Joy in the midst of trials...

I still remember my first "serious" Bible study, we were studying the book of Luke. I guess it was "serious" not because other Bible studies I'd done until that point weren't interesting or anything, but because the things we read were actually really important for me at that time.

I guess this verse will haunt me eternally until the day I die... "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it", and here's when I shake Elizabeth around, "Fooollow, follow me, follow me..." ~ Matt 16:24 

It's probably that God was and still is trying to tell me something...

At that particular time, I was losing my life over not knowing what in the world was going to happen with our lives, forget about Elizabeth... she wasn't even in the picture. We had no money, or well, we had just enough money to kind of go by. Actually, there was a time of total uncertainty about our future because we didn't kow if we were going to continue to live in this country. Emerson was closer and closer to graduation, but his advisor had decided not to offer him a position to continue with his PhD. 

In addition, Mexico had stopped paying us our monthly check, like, for three months in a row. I can't even imagine now to try to live and feed myself with a budget of less than US$300/month. But back then, we would make it with US$200/month, and we didn't even go on dates, or stuff like that. Even though we didn't receive a paycheck during that time, we were never in debt, people always supported us with prayer - even shared 1/8 cow with us- and we never ran out of food, or a warm place to stay, or clothes in winter.

Playing the piano

Exhausted

I find incredibly interesting the fact that the Israelites were so freaking ungrateful... they turned their backs on God every sinlge day, and this may have nothing to do with this post, but probably it has to do everything with this post... I have so many things to write about. 

To start with, I have discovered a new face of God that I had never imagined, I saw him angry and heart broken at the same time. I've been reading my Bible for a long time now, trying to go through it in chronological order. You know, I knew about Abraham, Issac, Jacob... sure, then what? Probably Joseph, slavery in Egypt, Moses, then The Law. 

Then Jericho, and more disobeying, until I don't know... Saul and David, and then Solomon, but pretty much that was it. Then you have all these books of prophets that I honestly couldn't even understand because I didn't know when the heck they were talking about... So I began reading more purposely, trying to understand all these prophets and what Jesus meant when He said that the propeths in the past had never been heard, and were hated by everybody, even murdered.

So in my small amount of free time during the day, I've been finding out that these prophets were people who were called by God to go and tell the rest of the Israelites how bad they were behaving. They spoke the very words of God, and of course, everybody - almost everybody- hated them because these guys would go on and tell you your very truths in your face. Most of the time, those truths were the kind of truths you didn't want to hear. In Jeremiah, I saw a devastated God, sad, but angry at the same time, like a husband who has been betrayed by His whorish wife. 

I won't write the verses, because there are a lot, but He tells them all He has done for them, how much He has loved them, like asking, "Why? What did I do wrong? I planted you like a choice vine, how come you became a wild vine?" 

So beautiful, Mi Pinga

After all the well-deserved things that God testifies against them, He offers them to come back, but they are so happy in their sin, that they behave as if saying, "What are you talking about? We are not sinning, we are just fine... we don't really need you." 

I guess I finally understand now that even though I think I am not that way, in reality I am just like them. And still God chooses to love me every single second of the day. My heart is broken, there is nothing I can do to fix it on my own. That's the condition of this world in general terms. All of us are born with broken hearts. Nothing will be permanently fixed until the day Jesus comes back, which could be tomorrow... but that's not very likely to happen. 

I promise I do have a point if you keep reading... Oh, by the way, I applied to this program to get paid by writing blogs about my family and stuff, but they haven't answered back. It's not like I couldn't use the money they offered, but if they randomly choose some of my posts to look at them, only to read one like this one... it's no wonder why they won't call... I am happy I applied. I overcame my fear of not being good enough. 

I am good enough at writing, I just honestly think most of the time I don't fit the theme they were looking for: funny posts, full of celebrity mom's talk and baby gossip, upbeat, and lighthearted... definitely not lighthearted. If some of my posts were a meal, most moms reading them would end up like that Christmas at my house... My family decided to have Barbacoa (lamb) for dinner. We all ate around 7 pm, and by 9 pm pretty much everybody was asleep... the meal was awesome, but very, very heavy, difficult to digest.

I am funny, though... you should see my daughter's face when I scream at her and say, "Ahi te voy". 

The other day she fell from the couch while trying to escape from me. It all happened so fast, I was a feet away from her, but I couldn't stop the fall. She landed on her head, twisted her neck in a weird way, and ended up lying on her back, really truTV-like. She stood up and kept on running, so I guess she was fine. 

Climbing the couch

Ok, so, after this heavy talk on how we could really hurt God without even realizing it, I understand now that He really wants the best for me, just like I want the best for Elizabeth. I really, really want the best for her, but she has a will of her own, and as much as I don't want to break her spirit, I do want to teach her to obey me, and trust me more than anything - except God, of course...

I think that' what God wants to teach us, to trust him, no matter how impossible the scenario or scary the situation looks. But it is so hard to let go, and say, "I trust you, Daddy".   This has to do anything with the point of this post. Our lives have been so different from how they were when we were still in Mexico, different from how they were when we got to this country. And all those changes I've seen in me and in Emerson could have only been possible with God's help. Not only having a job, but all the spiritual blessings we've had.

At this Bible study there was a lady who was going through a divorce, and she didn't want to get a divorce, but her husband was the one going on that direction. I don't know if he was a Christian or not, but anyway... She said that it was very difficult for her to find joy in that situation, it was impossible. The leader said that the joy comes when you know that God is in control, but again, if He was in control, why was He letting this happen?

God is so good, but He is not our magician. This life by itself sucks, but God's will for us is not to be happy. His will for us is to look like Jesus. And that sucks many times, but that's how it is. He loves us so much to let it be other way, specially if you are in a relationship with Him through Jesus. When you really know Him, it's hard not to accept, well, at least to understand that His will is better than yours. It's difficult to not understand that every trial that comes your way has a reason, that He wants to make you stronger, that He wants to grow you, to mature you, to refine you like a precious metal. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you can be mature and complete, not lacking anything" ~ James 1:2-4

I got a call yesterday from the nurse  and she told me I had failed my glucose screening test. I have to go through the three hour glucose tolerance one. It sucked. I am a very good fatalistic. When I get what I consider bad news, I always assume the worst. This totally sucks because I am taking captive by my fears, and I imagine the worst case scenarios, it's like a movie playing in my head. I was very sad yesterday. I may not even have gestational diabetes, but the What If is what consumes me.

Showing Daddy she can wear his shoes

Today in our morning walk, we prayed about this, I know God is not present in those thoughts. I cried while I was praying with Merritt, but I felt so much peace after I got home. I am very hopeful. I played with Elizabeth, I want to be healthy, and live many, many years. It's not that you have to have joy or be happy over the fact that something bad is happening to you, but there is joy in knowing that God will bring something good out of it, because in everything God works for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28).

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances..." ~ 1 Thess 5:16-18

It doesn't mean I will thank God for being sick, but for taking care of me. Because I know that He will help me go through this the way He helped me go through many difficult things in the past, like the ones I was talking about at the beginning of this post. There is always hope, there is always that choice of trusting God or being fearful, and while it sucks I always freak out at the beginning - I still don't reach that point where trusting God is the very first thing I do- at the end HE wins.

Whether I may have gestational diabetes or not, and if it continues or not after the baby is born,  I don't know. That's not the point anymore. I'm not worried about it. My goal is to take care of myself from now on. I want to eat healthier, I want to take care of my body, I don't want to abuse it the way I have been doing it. I want to have life, life to the full, I want to be with my family, I want to run, I want to exercise, I want to sing, I want to jump with my children without having to gasp for air...

When you forget about all the things God has help you with, it is very easy to try to take matters into your own hands. I guess it was very good that I remembered about all those things in our past.

And I am very thankful for a husband who supports me, and loves me no matter what :))

The face of joy :))

   

Bring it on, toddlerhood!!

There have been times in my life when I have felt almost dry spiritually speaking. Those times were difficult, I guess, but only at the beginning, when they started happening. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.

With time, and with the help of godly people in my life, I realized those times are normal. The fact that they bother me is actually good. The fact that I feel angry or "frustrated" with my lack of activity in the spiritual arena - outside my home- is a good thing, like my friend Jeff explained to me the last time (and only)  he visited us in Houston. It would be bad if I didn't care...

As I told him, I don't really know if it was because BSF is in recess for the summer or  something else, but I felt I wasn't growing spiritually. I also know that my spiritual growth is MY responsibility, not my pastor's, not Emerson's. But somehow, I've been feeling like I am not being spiritually fed. Anyways, long story short, we talked about those moments in your life when you've probably heard many sermons on forgiveness, tithing, bla, bla... It is good to know you are mature-ing, therefore, is not about you anymore. 

What I mean is that there is probably a point in your life when you will start to make disciples, instead of just being interested in getting all you can from  a teacher. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know more, but I think... you know, like Jesus said, "What's the point? You can know everything about me, and still you don't do it..."

He didn't say exactly that, I was just paraphrasing what his brother James wrote..."Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do."

Trying on a hat

So, yes, all this I had to say as my background to explain how important it is for me, and challenging, the fact that Elizabeth is no longer that sweet-all-the-time- baby she was when she was 6 months old. Do not get me wrong, she is very sweet, and I adore her, totally. But the temper tantrums are escalating to a magnitude that I had never foreseen. Although the book and her doctor said these days would come, everyday is a battle of the wills, where, I am glad to say, when appropriate, my will always wins. But it is exhausting.

I don't think I am spiritually starving... if anything I'm in awe of everything God is capable of doing. I am in awe of His creation. Lately it has been tough just to sit and relax, you know, and chat with God. I can't do that. But sometimes I have to force myself to do it, otherwise I would lose it, literally. When I have "free" time, I have to cook, or clean, or fold laundry... What I really want to do is just make myself a cup of coffee, sit down, and read my Bible for as long as I can, like I used to do before Elizabeth was born, or even when she used to sleep for three hours in a row.

So anyway... yesterday I listened to Andy Stanley online. I like Andy. He is a person who I know is not perfect, I know because no one is, but He made me smile. There are few pastors who have motivated me to change. I know this is my problem, you know, like it is my responsibility like I said before. It is not a matter of who is preaching, but the message being preached, I get that. But I mean, in all honesty, sometimes the teacher makes a difference. Andy just did that in my day yesterday. He and the message being preached gave me hope for the days to come. 

The sermon was about prayer. How do you pray? Do you pray at all? Is there a correct way to pray? I didn't want to listen to the sermon to be honest, but I did, and I'm glad I did it. 

Basically, he explained that the Jews of Jesus' time used to pray giving a spectacle or using many words. But Jesus said that is not how it is supposed to be done. Nowadays pretty much no one prays in front of others to be seen, mostly because they would think you are a freak anyway, so that is not a problem in our society anymore. But the many words are the problem. There is no way you are going to try to convince God of giving you something if it is not in His will for you. I am understanding that better lately, and I am very happy for the way I am getting to understand it, through my daughter...

Trying on another hat

Just today, today... my daughter threw several temper tantrums because I said No to some of her requests. She was playing with her shoes, but then she decided to start chewing on them, and after several warnings, I took them away. She threw herself to the floor and signed please many times, but I still didn't give them back.

She also signed please when she saw me drinking my coffee, and I didn't gave her coffee. I took the time to tell her that coffee is not for babies, that one day, she will drink coffee if she wants, but that day wasn't today. And she threw herself to the floor, and cried. She signed please, but I didn't give her any of my coffee.

Less than an hour ago, I gave her a bath. She was trying to play with the water faucet in the bath tub, but I changed my position so that I was in front of the faucet, not her, she could have an accident if she stands up and bangs her head, or her face on that thing. She kept on trying to reach for it, and I didn't let her. Guess what? She cried... she didn't throw herself to the floor, probably because I was carrying her out of the tub, but changing her diaper was indeed an ordeal. I told her one day she will understand that Mommy has to say No to many of her requests because Mommy loves her. And that although Daddy and I are not God, God gave us the job of being her parents, and take care of her. Sometimes we say No because it is the thing we have to do, not because we don't love her, but because we do love her, and we know better.

Andy said that when we pray, sometimes we just jump to ask things from God, you know, without even realizing who we are really talking to. That is the reason the Lord's Prayer starts with: Our Father, who are in heaven, hallowed be your name...

God is the very Creator of this world. He is in heaven, He is pure, holy, perfect. We get to talk to Him. He is our Father once we have a relationship through Jesus, He is our authority, but we don't see that. We just try to bend God to do what we want Him to do for us like a genie, but God is so big that He won't settle for that. 

"Aren't you glad God said No to some of your prayers?", Andy asked. 

"Yes, I am, Nena. Yes, I am very, very glad. Let me tell you two true stories..." She won't ever remember those :))

Then Andy continued saying that the next part is where we should spend the most time: Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Before asking anything, anything from God, we have to reach the point in our prayer time to acknowledge that He knows way better than us. We should reach the point where our will is in sync with His will. That is what gives you peace after praying. That's why you shouldn't beg. No matter how much you beg and say please, please, please (like Elizabeth for coffee) if God knows is not in your best interest, He won't give it to you. He just won't. 

Face after tantrum. BTW, this was taken yesterday.
 This tantrum was because she couldn't open her Smurf purse 

Once you reach that point, consciously, of wanting His will for your life, then you realize you don't really have to spend hours or many long prayers to ask something from Him. Andy made a very good point. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus prayed like 20 seconds. Andy paraphrases Jesus like, "Okay, Father, let's do this. I know it is your will to raise Lazarus from the death. It is my will to raise him from the death. I'm pretty much just praying so that these guys can see I am actually praying". And BUM! Lazarus came back to life. 

But when Jesus prayed the night before His crucifixion, He prayed all night long... It was difficult for Him to align His will with His Father's will. He even asked God to take the cup from Him if He was willing, but Jesus also told God, "Yet, not my will, but Yours be done".

I was feeling guilty the other day because it seems sometimes that nothing matters to me. Nothing worries me very much lately. My mom is sick, yet I told Merritt that it's not that I don't care, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not there, I have no control over any of it. We also don't really know what's gonna happen with the green card. If we go back to Mexico, then we go back. I don't want to go back, Emerson doesn't want to go back, and I have told God that, many times. I have actually prayed, "Please, please, please, don't ask us to go back", but after begging, I end up saying, "Take us wherever you want us to go. If you want us to stay here, that would be most wonderful, but we want your will in our lives, wherever that is."  

I got into an argument with Emerson yesterday because I get mad every time Elizabeth cries for no reason. I don't explode against her, but you can see I'm angry in my face. I know I'm wrong. I put her to sleep today, and all she did was crying. She cried if I changed her diaper, she cried if the diaper was wet, and scratched her diaper. I don't really know if she is sick or what. I feel so impotent sometimes. I know she is not sick...

I hugged her today before nap time, she kicked me, but I began telling her how much Mommy really loved her, not matter what she did, not matter what she said, that I was always going to love her. I felt regret for being mad at her sometimes because I am the adult, and I asked her to forgive me. 

She doesn't know better, that's why I am here for. That's why God gave us this job, to teach her right from wrong, to train her in the way she should go, to tell her about God, and His goodness, and His mercy. She has to see me living it. 

Today it was so funny... I put her down at 3:20 pm, I was mentally tired after being listening to her crying over almost everything. She also cried because she brought me her pajamas and asked me to put them on, I did, and then she started crying because she didn't  want them on. And then, I took them off, and she cried because I did that!! And she also cried because I took away the lion she pushes because she was angry, and started throwing stuff out of anger. 

When she cries, I don't have the patience to explain every time why I do the things I do. I don't even want to explain. I don't think I have to, I'm not even able to, because she is so loud with her cry that she is not even listening... 

Tangled helping Momma

This is about to get freaking worse... So I was saying it was funny today, because after I put her down for a nap - that she didn't take- I came to the living room, and prayed. I did it the way Andy said. I guess my greetings to God are always like, "Thank you for the day", or "Thank you for this beautiful morning",  and there's nothing wrong with that, but this time, I really wanted to ask Him for help. I am not a genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no way, no way, I can do this child rearing on my own. Heck, no! I cannot take this everyday and deal with it on my own strength.

So without many flagrant words, but good ones, I told Him I knew He was the real deal, and that I loved Him so much... That I was thankful for Jesus dying for me, and for all He has provided. I told Him I knew we were no less dependent on Him now than we were when we just came to this country. I thanked Him for Elizabeth, and then I asked the most "idiotic" thing in the world. Well, idiotic for people who want it easy in life. That's not me.

I asked God something I knew He will never, ever, say No to. I asked Him to conform me, through Elizabeth and this season in her life, and through Baby's life, to conform me more and more into the image of His Son. That's somewhere in Romans... I told Him, I wasn't asking for the tantrums to go away, because I knew He wouldn't take them away. I asked Him for His wisdom, and His love in raising my children. I told Him I knew it was going to get worse, but that all I wanted to be was the mom He wants me to be. But that I need His help in order to do that. 

I sang him a song from Seeds, the one that says that He who began a work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I told Him I knew He wasn't finished with me yet. I began crying just telling Him how afraid I was of doing something wrong with Elizabeth, that I was so afraid of making mistakes, but that I knew I will because I am not Him. Then I asked Him to help my mom, to give us the green card, and other things that I could remember from my prayer log. 

At the end, I asked Him to help me sleep. I said, "I don't want to beg, but please, help me sleep, just 20 minutes, an hour, whatever... help me rest before Emerson gets home." Best prayer session in many weeks, because I slept like 20 minutes, but I guess it was so deep that I drooled all over the pillow.

So next time someone tells me it is easy to be a stay-at-home- mom, and that I have it "easy" because I don't use my brain at a "real" job, I will punch them in the face. 

My 13 month-old and my 28 week-old biggest blessings.  

Good heart with new shoes

Ever since Elizabeth was born, I felt a joy I cannot describe. Even if I could describe it, only people who are parents could get it. It is nothing absoultely personal against people without children, they may have joy in their lives, but this is different - quite different.

Although I have cried many times during Elizabeth's 13 months of life, I have smiled more. I have laughed with her and at her... she does very silly things. I have gotten angry with her because sometimes I couldn't understand what her big crying was about. I have learned to be patient and tolerant, and I will continue working on it. I just love her. 

I guess at the beginning, her life was totally dependent on me, and it still is. But now I can't barely hold her for more than one minute without her wanting to just go, and continue exploring, or playing. She has learned how to climb the couch also. She cried while she was learning, but now she rejoices whenever she's up, and actually, she rests on top of the pillows like saying, "That was hard work, Mommy."   

So all this I said because Elizabeth is growing up, too fast, if you ask me. I am so proud of the little woman she is becoming. I know she is still a baby, a toddler, or whatever... but she has a very noble heart. A part of me would like to think that she is that way because of the parents she has, but probably it isn't true. 

I don't really know how that works, to be honest. I heard a sermon once that said something about our personality being the combined result of the specific footprint of God - which is unique for each person- and the environment we were raised in. Something like say, you were a very driven child, a strong willed boy, who could have been a very good leader in the kingdom of God had you been raised by godly parents. They, of anyone, knew how to help you discover your own potential, and teach you to use it in a godly way. But your father was an alcoholic who neglected you, so you end up being a result of your circumstances, say an explosive husband. Something like that. Of course, there are exceptions.

July 6, 2012. Trying on new shoes.

I've seen different qualities in Elizabeth. She is very bright, and she knows what she wants. She cries whenever she doesn't get it right the first time. And I'm honestly beginning to believe my child understands everything I tell her. She is beginning to not throw tantrums at lunch time only because she is hungry, after I have no idea how many times I have explained to her the difference between needs and wants. 

I have told her countless times that demanding food is not right, that I understand she is hungry, but that she has to trust Mommy will feed her. I have explained to her that EVERY time I said she is going to eat, I will    always feed her. That she has to be self controlled, because after all, she is not starving to death.

"Okay, tell me one time, only one, when I haven't fed you when I say I 'm going to give you lunch..." No response. Obviously.

"There is no kindness at all in demanding food from Mommy. There is no self-control at all when you cry like you just did. There is no patience, no joy. What about love and respect, and honor for Mommy, Nena? So to help you practice your patience I will set the timer for five minutes. Here's your food, but you will wait five more minutes before eating." 

"No, ma'am! We do not hit Dori. We treat Dori gently because we love her. Here, we touch her like this. Good job, Mamma."

"No, ma'am! We do not throw toys to the floor because we are angry. That is completely unacceptable."

"No, ma'am! We do not throw the sippy cup to the floor when we are finished with our milk. That is not kind nor respectful to Mommy or Daddy. You give the sippy cup in our hands. Give it to me in my hand, please." (This we do four or five times until she gives it to me in my hand)

"Milk, please?" We did this I have no idea how many times. She got it, then she stopped, now she is doing it again, she is finally signing please, again. But we never quit asking her to say please when asking for something.

Walking outside the shoe store

"No, ma'am. That's a No No. One, two- Elizabeth, choose right, come here- three... You get a time out for disobeying Mommy... Can you tell me why I gave you a time out? (She doesn't even talk). That's right, you touched Mommy's computer when Mommy said not to do it. You disobeyed Mommy. When you disobey Mommy you sin against me, and against God. Come here... This (showing her my computer) is a No No. Every time you touch it your consequence will be to get a time out. Now, what do you say? You say, 'Mommy, would you forgive me for disobeying you?' Of course I forgive you because I love you. Now go play."

Is this a joke? Not it is not. This is how we are raising our child. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing it right... but I'll get back to that later.

Anyway... Libby was walking with a pair of crocs that an aunt in Mexico gave her. She outgrew them like in 2 weeks. They were pretty much her size, and her little feet are growing :))

She is really into walking now. I took her out one day, and she walked 0.1 miles around the block in our apartment complex. So I thought it was time to buy her real shoes. She has two pairs that my mom bought her in Mexico, but they are really pretty, just for dresses and stuff. I don't want her to "exercise" on those.

Posing with Mommy 

We took her to the New Balance store in the Outlet Mall. She helped me to look for my shoes first, and then she tried on two different pairs, the size 4, and the size 5. The size 4 were just perfect, but they would've lasted her for less than a month probably. They didn't have 4.5, so she tried on the size 5.

She LOVED them. She absolutely loved them. She smiled when she began walking with them. She looked happy, like she knew these shoes were absolutely the only thing she needed in life from now on :)

She actually threw a fit because we needed to change her diaper in the store and we had to make her stop walking. She just wanted to walk on her new bad boys. She left the store with them, and walked all the way to the car (almost, we helped her cross the street). When we got home, she cried again when I took her shoes off, and we had to take her out again to walk for a little bit more. Then she was just happy playing with them inside.

On Saturday we went to the pool, and of course she walked all the way there and back, which totaled 0.25 miles. Not bad for her age. She is our little athlete in training. And she loves the shoes...

In love with the shoes

Coming back from swimming

Yeah... I wonder if we are doing it the right way. Not because there is a right, perfect way. I believe that as long as you are following God and Jesus, it is the right way. Whether you decide to give time outs, or not; or explaining things the way we do it, or not, it's ultimately a choice every couple makes. At the same time, it hurts my flesh to see that my daughter has such a noble heart that other children take advantage of her, you know, at the library, and whenever she plays with other children.  

But what am I to say? I know the right things to say, and I know the right things to do. I know how Jesus would handle that, but it is so hard... it is so humanly impossible to do, it's not natural. And this is my own issue as her mom, it is difficult for me, not for her. She has responded kindly to those situations. 

It is in fact an answer to prayer #4, ha ha ha!!

Really... in our prayer list for our children for this 2012, I wrote: That God would help them to love people and each other sincerely. That they would honor and be devoted to one another in brotherly love, like Romans 12:9-10 says. She is doing just that.

Practice makes perfect. I am sure she will be the best big sister ever.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!!

Change is good, or so they say. My dad reminded me today that I'm about to celebrate my fifth anniversary of living in America. If you ask me, I don't ever, for any reason, whatsoever, want to leave this beautiful country. But that is not up to me.

But this post is about changes, I guess. There have been some major ones in our lives lately. For instance, Elizabeth is 13 months old, and she has her own bedroom now. It will be only hers for three months, though. Well, probably longer, because the baby will sleep in the bedroom with Emerson and I so that Elizabeth can sleep through the night without waking up every time the baby cries.

We moved last week to a two-bedroom apartment. Merritt and Brad helped us move stuff. Jeff also came that weekend, it was crazy.

Accesorios de Princeeesa

Encueritos

Watching Harry

I feel home now. I was not able to use my computer for a week, and I actually missed it. I don't want to sell it anymore, Emerson. This is easy for me to use. I can deal with Elizabeth and the baby getting time-outs every time they touch it. And I don't know what happened, but I can't change this white background...

Anyway... I am sure many things have happened in three weeks since I wrote last time, but I forgot. My computer was packed, and my little notebook where I write stuff to remember what I'll write about was also packed. I didn't want to use Emerson's computer to write my blog. It doesn't feel the same, I don't know, I'm weird.

I guess one of the things that struck me the most about this move is how "handicapped" you get when you are pregnant. Do not get me wrong, I want to take care of this baby, and I did take care of him/her, that's why I didn't lift a finger... I mean, I did help carry out things, but not very heavy things. Merritt did most of the work the first day, and I took care of Libby and Kori. We are very blessed to have friends like them. 

I am also very blessed to have a child like Elizabeth. I am proud of being her mom, and I am proud of the little human being I am molding. I am not the perfect mom, but I am a great mom. 

The weekend we moved, I saw the fruit of having let my child cry more than I would've wanted when she was younger. She was happy just playing in her pack n play by herself, reading her books, making noises for me. At times I felt awful because I would be putting stuff in boxes ans she was just doing "nothing", just watching me. I didn't actually sit down with her and play as usual. We didn't read our Bibles every morning, like, for a week. I missed us.

We were just dancing in boxes, but little by little this place began looking better. Nothing worked when we moved, which made me mad, because I had zero tolerance for that kind of thing... the apartment wasn't clean; the dishwasher, the alarm system and the drier didn't work, the kitchen floor wasn't ready, some doors didn't close. All that happened when Jeff came to visit, and we were paying rent, it was supposed to be ready. Oh, well, it doesn't really matter now. There are few details that still need to be worked out, but they will be.

Libby's room

Moving buddy

Skyping with style

I love my life. I absolutely love my family. I am so thankful for the things we have, not only material things, but most importantly, spiritual things. I am able to raise my daughter in a whole different way that I would have raised her had I not know about Jesus and what He did for me.

We have good friends, Emerson has a job, we can pay rent. Libby is healthy, baby is healthy. Libby is eating like a little elephant lately, really, she ate half my portion of food today. She is such a bright girl, so active, she never stops. 

Hamburger at Karbach

At Karbach with Mr. Jeff 

Jun 30, 2012. Walking at 26 weeks.

This weekend we will go to buy some tennis shoes for her. On July 4 (yesterday), we took her out to walk and she walked 0.1 miles, not bad for her age. She was very tired after that, not only physically, I assume. She was exploring the world. She had a nap at 9 am, when she usually can go until 10:30 am. I don't want her to wear the crocs to walk and exercise. I'm planning on start training her so that she can go running with us one day.

Walking with the man of her life.

There are no spiritual insights lately, I mean, I actually ended up crying like three days ago telling God that I wanted my old life back. Silly. I just wanted to have our routine back, going for a walk, taking a shower, reading our Bibles, playing, napping, having lunch, the usual every day things we do. It's beginning to take form. I love being with her in her bedroom. 

She opens the drawers all the time, takes out her clothes and brings them to me. I say, "Oh, thank you!!", and so she does it again and again, until the drawers are empty. Then she puts La Nena in, and her smurf purse, and takes them out, again and again. 

And she listens to me when I read her from my Bible and just give her all my insights on what that means. She plays, and she comes and hugs me. She goes straight to the couch and starts laughing when I say, "Ahí te voy, ahí te voy", and then, very courageously, she comes at me, and we hug each other, and we lay on the floor and kiss each other. And we could do that for hours if I didn't get out of breath because of baby.

Yesterday was Kori's birthday. I made her cake. We had fun at the party, and Libby was very tired at the end because she decided to skip her afternoon nap.

Cake for Kori

Daddy and Libby

July 4, 2012. 

Happy family

"Let's go, I'm tired..."

I don't want this to end. I don't want to die. I want to be alive to raise my children, and see them become the wonderful people I know they will become if they listen to ALL their Mommy tells them about Jesus :))

I am thankful for my life, for all that my husband does to provide, for the lessons I have learned. I wish I could tell God, I guess He knows this is what I am feeling... but I wish I could go have a coffee with Him, and tell Him that I am very honored to know He loves me with all His heart, because I know I don't deserve it...

I wish I could ask Him to let me live forever... and He would probably say that I will. But I want to live here, with my family, with my children, with my grandchildren, I want to hug them, to kiss them goodnight, to embrace every moment I will have with them. And He will probably say that I will, at least I will see Emerson forever. 

That's the beauty of the cross, to know I will have a much much better life than the one I have right now, but still... I guess it is very human to feel what I am feeling right now. I don't want to die. If I die, I know where I'm going... I will see Jesus' face.

But right now, right now I don't want to stop looking at my daughter's face, I don't want to stop hugging her every day, I don't want to stop telling her how much I love her, and how much more God loves her. I don't want to stop bathing her, and tickle her, and reading her stories, and giving her time outs when she disobeys me.     

And I am a mess, and Emerson said I look like a frog - my eyes do. And see, that's the beauty of it... it's beautiful to know that in heaven there will be no tears, and no pain like the one I'm feeling right now. Everything will be the way it was supposed to be from the very beginning, even better.

This life is not all there is, but I love my life so much. I guess if I were having a coffee with God right now He would sing to me that song Libby and I love... He would sing, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Follow me."

And against all odds, against what my flesh tells me to do, you know, worrying about not really knowing when exactly I will die... against all that I could preoccupy my mind with, I will choose to obey Him, follow Him, and give Him the praise and the glory He deserves for they joy He has let me have since Elizabeth was born. 

Oh, and wait, He will double the joy in October :)))

God is good. All the time.