My little traitor

My last night of breastfeeding Libby was very difficult. But I kind of pictured it the way it was. It was perfect, really perfect. 

She got a bath, and we were together in the bedroom, just the two of us. I began telling her how much I had fallen in love with her and with nursing her. I said I was sorry for those times when I really got tired of breastfeeding her, but that it was very difficult at the beginning to nurse her every two hours around the clock.

I don't know how many times I told her that I loved her... I began singing to her A dormir, and then I sang Jesus loves me, I've got the joy...

The last two I sang were two Scripture songs that we really enjoyed when she was a baby: Follow me, and Whatever you do. With the first one, she used to smile every time I span her around. The second one, I told her, was very important to Mommy because she listened to it one day that I was very tired of nursing her all day long, but then realized, that I was doing this for the glory of God.

I kept watching her and I knew it was time for her to go night, night, but I didn't want to turn off the lights, because I didn't want to stop seeing her. I knew in my heart that the moment I turned off those lights it was gonna be the end of my first season as her Mommy. I cried... I cried very much while holding her, and I'm still crying as I write this. 

I asked God for strength to turn off those lights, I told Him I was not able to do it, that I couldn't, but He said I could. He said, "You can do everything through Christ, He gives you the strength, sweetheart." 

He called me sweetheart...

I knew that was Him because that verse means so much to me, it helped me bare the pains of labor. That song by Matthew West got me through it, and Emerson. 

And so I was able to turn them off, and I remained there, in the darkness, breastfeeding her, like we used to   hen it was time to go to sleep. Moments later, I began walking with her in my arms, just singing to her, and telling her I loved her very much, until she fell asleep in my arms.

I put her down in her crib, and left the room. And that was it. I don't want to forget that night, it was a perfect night. She fell asleep in my arms, she was happy, I was happy. I miss her so much, I really do. 

It's been three days without nursing her at night... and I miss her, but she doesn't miss me. 

A blog I read said this: "Once you begin to supplement with a bottle, you'll be surprised how quickly the little traitor switches loyalty."

So true, you know? She smiles when she sees the formula. Anyway, that has made things much, much easier for me, and I even consider it a blessing, really, I do. I mean, the fact that it was so easy for her to take the formula and be done with me. Silly me for still being crying in the corners every now and then :))

So my breasts hurt like heck... and I was afraid the first night of not nursing was gonna be a nightmare, because she was going to want ME, but no, thank you, she was happy once she saw the white liquid. 

She drank it all very quick!! And we read books, and it was all fine. She was a little fussy, but I guess it was because I dimmed the lights.

The last two days, we've given her a bath, put on her pajamas and come to the table for her to drink her milk... no, her formula, she doesn't drink milk... at least give me that.

After that,  we go to the bedroom and read books, and it's a happy story every night :)

For example, tonight, she drank her 8 oz at 7 pm, then went to skype with her grandpa for a while, and went to bed like at 8 pm, no problems. She's her own self, very active, VERY active. 

I heard on BSF on Wednesday morning (after my last night of breastfeeding) that God's grace is enough to get you through your worst heartache. It is true. It may be stupid, but my heart aches for not nursing her, but it's okay, it will pass. 

I'm not crying all day long, just right now because I wrote about it, and the memories came to mind.

I'm very happy, I love my daughter, and she loves me. She looks for me all the time, and comes to me when we are playing on the floor, and hugs me and "kisses" me, more like she bites me :))  

Her kisses are all wet, and she drools in my face, but I love her with all my heart. 

Thank you, God, for my family :)) 

Beware of her. She has learned to devour her food :)

Tonight is the night

Tonight is the last night I will breastfeed Elizabeth. Breastfeeding is coming to an end for medical reasons. 

I guess that's why I haven't written anything in a while. Many things have happened with Libby, but I was kind of sad dealing with the fact that I won't get to hold her in my arms anymore, I mean, to nurse her.

I didn't wan to stop, but I have to. I prayed about it, and it's the right thing to do for many important reasons.

Anyway...It was difficult at the beginning because she didn't like the first formulas she tried, she threw up as soon as she tasted Enfamil, but she ended up liking Similac. She even smiles now when she sees I'm preparing the thing, and she gets excited because she uses a straw.

Baby learning to use the straw. She is a natural sucker :)

It was difficult at the beginning to give her the formula, time consuming because she never took a bottle, and she refused to drink it from her sippy. But now, she eats with us at the table,  and if I want her to drink it herself for a little bit, she uses her cup with straw :)

Baby with her cup in the morning

Jumping like a log

She is very active, she's standing up everywhere now, the sofa, the wooden bench, the piano bench, the TV stand, even Mommy. She likes the Jenny Jump Up, and she is not very fond of the exersaucer anymore. I mean, she sits there if she has to, but I try not to put her in, she likes to move around all the time. 

I'll have extra time with her tonight. I asked Emerson if I could put her to sleep, because he always does that, but I want to tell her many things. I don't want to cry anymore, but I guess I will.

I remember praying on February 10th, that she would drink her milk, that she would like it, and God answered my prayer that same day. 

After being weaning her for almost 2 weeks, she's been drinking it no problem, and her weight and everything is fine. We had her well check last Friday. 

I just want to rewrite what I wrote on my diary yesterday:

"I have two more nights of breastfeeding Elizabeth. It's the end of my first season as a Mommy, I guess. God has helped me focus on things that I have been blessed with, instead of focusing on what I won't have anymore. Like the fact that I was able to breastfeed my baby for nine months.

I never talked to her during the times I nursed her, and it could be very easy to allow temptations enter my mind. Thoughts like, 'I should've talk to her' or just feeling guilty over the fact that there were times where I honestly was tired of nursing her around the clock at the beginning. But I won't allow myself to do that.

I never talk to her because it was her time, our time, but I always watched her...

I always played with her.

I prayed for her.

I sang songs to her.

I squeezed her hard against my breasts until she couldn't breathe and she began laughing.

I saw her grow in my arms.

And I'm thankful, so very thankful, God. Yes, I am sad, very sad still, but I am very joyful. There is joy in knowing I did my best for my baby, for her physical nourisment at the beginning of her life, and now it's time to nourish her in other ways. {More to come}"

My 9 lb baby girl at 1 week

My 18 lb baby girl at 9 months

In other news, we pierced her ears!!! My sister offered to buy her earrings for her birthday, since everubody tells her her nephew is really cute :) 

It worked out well, I was also tired of people telling me I have a precious boy! 

As Emerson was holding her she cried when she felt the gun, and I felt awful... I felt terrible I would put my child thru such pain. Then I had to go pay fo the earrings, and when I came back, she had stoped crying apparently, but as soon as she saw me, she began crying again. She just needed Mommy's love!!

Ready to roll, but now with earrings

The world couldn't be a better place

Pretty, pretty Libby

Since she is very mobile now, I have to put her inside her new baby jail.

It's just an area between the bathroom, the laundry room and the bedroom. We've had that gate for a long time, we bought it originally for Dori many years ago.

My babies in jail

She also has begun to make many funny faces, mostly to Emerson. Like this one she began doing a long time ago, like she is about to sneeze, you can hear how she breathes in through her nose, like an angry bull or something.

She began months ago when she didn't like something we were doing, but now Emerson started to repeat the face to her, and she just goes on and one making faces.

Angry bird

She is also eating table foods which means I have to cook more,  instead of just throwing whatever in the blender and freeze it, but I like cooking for my family and have diner together, with no TV, just us talking. 

She always, always makes a mess and ends up grabbing her hair with all the food she has on her hands. Like this time that we were having pancakes, and you can imagine where the syrup was :)

If someone is reaping the benefits of Libby eating table foods is Dori, who cleans the carpet like a good vacuum cleaner as soon as the food touches the floor.

Oh, and she is also teaching Daddy how to play the piano. If he misses a key, she gets up on the bench and shows him how to do it. 

Helping Daddy not to make mistakes

That's how you eat them pancakes!

Above all I LOVE this face. How couldn't I? She is the biggest blessing God has given us. We are crazy about her, but please, don't tell her.

Feb 26, 2012.

Discovering new things

Libby just amazes me every day... I love her so much. I admire her perseverance with the DVDs. So I guess this is one of the battles I'm deciding not to fight anymore. She just wants to explore, and I'm constantly telling her not to do that, but she keeps on doing that. The same with getting into the kitchen. I'm just being extra careful if I'm cooking :)

Messy DVDs

Today we were having lunch and she decided to show me her new thing for the camera. She leans her head towards one side, very cute, like posing, I don't know. She is a doll :)

Precious little baby

During lunch today she began putting her hands up. 

All this time I've been telling her, "Manitas arriba",  and then I put my hands up. But she had never done it before. Some times she tried to, but nothing like today. 

So I said,  "Manitas arriba" and she began doing it once and again, like more than ten times in a row. 

She was all smiles and after putting her little hands up, she also clapped sometimes, and I would say, "Bravo, por la Nena"

After lunch we took a shower - I took a shower- because before lunch we went for our three-mile walk. 

After the shower we went to the office to print some things, and coming back I gave her a piece of paper for her to play with. Everything was going great, then I did some stuff inside the bedroom, but the stroller was put in a way that I couldn't see Elizabeth.

Suddenly, I didn't hear anything at all, and that means trouble. She's on to something when she doesn't make any noises, specially if I left her buckled in the stroller.

Well, lo and behold... Elizabeth ate the piece of paper!!!

She was after the gecko

I had to take some pieces out of her mouth, and she cried for a little bit. I think I scared her for how I put my fingers inside her mouth. I called the nurse just to make sure she would poop it out, and they said that's what was going to happen, so we'll see :))

How not to be thankful that those pretty eyes didn't choke with the paper?? I just thanked God for taking care of her like Daddy and I have been praying. Then I teased myself, "You are a terrible, terrible mother..." and laughed once I made her drink tons of water :))

My big brown eyes

Libby is getting everywhere

So as I said I didn't register for next class. I'll take it easy and will learn online as I was doing. I've practiced making cakes. This was my last one for the class, but I didn't go, I had more important things to do with this cake (a story to tell later)

Sweetest cake ever :))

A lot of things have happened!!

Libby is officially crawling. Well, she was already, but now she is fast. She has helped me cook different things for Daddy with the mixer he gave me for my birthday. 

Making ravioli pasta

She can pull herself up if you help her. She's getting stronger every day.

Standing by herself

Lately I've been tired of stopping her going everywhere, she moves around very fast, and I just have to say No, and No, and No. She likes getting into the kitchen a lot, I guess she likes that the floor is kind of slippery. I could say the other day she defied me!! She went to the kitchen floor and since I didn't follow her to pick her up and tell her no, she just looked at me, smiled like saying, "Look where I'm at", and continued into the kitchen.

She learned how to stand up on her crib and she was trying to climb over, so we have to lower the mattress. Lately, she hasn't bumped her head, but she did a couple of times, because she stands up but she doesn't know how to get down. Daddy is teaching her. 

Libby still stands up on her crib :))

We went to Karbach Brewing Company yesterday since Emerson's cousin came with his girlfriend to visit.


I've been dealing with personal stuff lately, mainly about my insecurities as a woman, and I think slowly but surely I'll make progress. I want to be whole for my husband and my daughter. today the sermon was about choosing to be a vulture or a hummingbird. You see what you are looking for, and I'm tired of seeing dead carcasses. I want to see life. 

Libby bored at the explanation since she already knows it all

I love my life, it's AWESOME!!! I have a healthy baby girl, a wonderful husband, a God who's absolutely crazy about me, and wants to be with my forever, and help me live my life. I'm not alone. I can deal with this, and with all the lies I hear in my head. 

God and my awesome family are giving me the strength I need :))))

My awesome family :)))

When Dadda prays...

Jan 21st, 2012

Lots of things have happened since last week. I've made several cakes. I think they are cute, and the purpose of the class has been reached. I can make my baby's cakes for her birthdays. I'll keep practicing when I have the chance...

Jan 14th, 2012

Anyways, talking about more important stuff,  Libby had a rough week. I mean, as rough as a 7-month-old baby's life can get. I think her gums were giving her trouble and she wasn't eating as she normally does. She pretty much left everything on her plate (little bowls) at every meal, and she would cry and cry the entire time I was trying to feed her.

Then, after five days of madness, she stopped. Like if nothing had happened she was all smiles again, and she was eating as she usually does. I thought that was weird, and I told Emerson about it on the phone. He said he had been praying for her.

That touched my heart in a way I cannot describe. I'm here thinking this is normal for a baby, that she has to go through it, and that's probably truth. But the Bible teaches us that God is a personal God, and I never stopped to think that God could ease the pain in my baby's gums. 

I'm happy Dadda prayed. In a way I think God honors his prayers more than He honors mine. Not that God doesn't honor mine, but Dadda is the head of this house, he's my head, and I want to follow him. His godly responsibility is to care for us and to protect us, and when he said he prayed, it made me feel secure. He was protecting us like every man should do, doing what he could do in a situation like this: praying.

I feel bad I don't have more pictures of Libby right now, but lately I've been recording with the handy cam almost everything she does, instead of taking photos.

She claps now, and she is crawling already. She crawls slowly, but she does. And I'm fried :))

Oh, Emerson bought me a mixer for my birthday and it's a breeze to use it to make bread, and frosting for the cakes. And we went to eat dinner at a Mongolian stir-fry place, and then all of us had ice cream. Libby liked it, of course.

Last night we had pancakes. Wow... it had been at least six months since I had made pancakes. That means I don't like to feed my family crap. They are really yummy, but it's too much sugar, and butter. I don't know, I felt guilty of feeding that to Elizabeth, but she has to try everything, and she loved maple syrup.

Next month Emerson will be planning the meals he wants me to cook for him. He wants to save money on groceries. I know I spend more than I should almost every month. Especially this month I spent it on cakes and that stuff. And so I made up my mind. I'm not taking the next course for the cakes. I'll wait until I can save the money I will need for the class and the materials.

Besides, I learned more from the internet and you tube videos than from my teacher. Experience is the key, doing it over and over, practicing. I''ll do that every time I can, but I need to spend the money I have, not the money I don't have. 

I want my daughter to see that I'm a responsible mom, that everything I preach, I do. That there are no gray areas in obedience. Partial obedience is disobedience and a cake is nice, but we won't have cake if mom doesn't have money to buy everything the cake has to have. 

I want to model for her the right thing, otherwise, I am a hypocrite. In everything in life, even with cakes, as yummy as they are. Thanks Emerson, I love you.

Well, that's it for now. I'll take more pictures of Libby, I promise. She is getting so big. Oh!! I forgot, but see, that's also on camera...she can push the button to turn on her fishies in her crib. I need to upload those videos in here, but my husband threw away the disc to work with them on my computer. I'll ask him to upload them when he has time. 

God is shouting

I guess this will be a long post...and with different subjects. 

I don't really remember a time when God would speak to me constantly about something through someone else. Maybe He has, but I don't remember.

But lately it seems that everything seems to be saying, "I'm right here". God is here, with me. 

Jan, 2011. My bowls - her new toys.

They said the other day at church that this year God has great plans for me. Duh!! I know that, it's so easy to say that once you've been a Christian for a while. Like in that song where it says, "I guess I thought that I had figured you out, I learned all the stories, and I learned to talk about how you were mighty to save, but those were all empty words on a page..."

Anyway, what's His plan for me? Because I want to know. I've been stuck for so long in the I-used-to-do-this-but-know-I-have-a-baby-mentality, that it's hard to let go. It's like I felt my plan was one and I knew it, I can say I knew it, but then I'm on pause button while I'm a mom.

And Pastor Dave said I have to let go, I have to say bye to my past if I want to see my future. It makes sense, I want to be fulfilled as a mom, but I struggle with the fact that I don't have the time I used to. 

I like that Elizabeth listens to me every time I tell her about God. But mostly, I like the fact that God speaks to me every time I'm teaching Elizabeth. We are reading Exodus and I like to show her pictures from her Bible, but I really read mine when it's kind of a long story, like the Exodus from Egypt.

I was explaining to her that there are different Bibles, all the same, but different translations and that children's Bibles are shorter and with pictures, because children like pictures. She likes mine anyway, she's always trying to grab it.

So I was reading to her about Moses and how he reacted when God told him he was the one that was supposed to go tell Pharaoh to let God's people go. I told her Moses was afraid, that he didn't feel he was fit for that job, and I said that when God calls you into something, He will equip you for that. 

God chose Moses. Moses was the one, he had a purpose from the moment he was put into the river by his sister, Miriam. He grew up in Pharaoh's palace, then he killed an Egyptian and he ran away. He probably thought and felt like I feel sometimes, that God had forgotten about him, that there was no purpose. And then God showed up.

The same thing happened when I was reading to her about Joseph (which happens to be right before they became slaves in Egypt). Joseph had a purpose, but that purpose didn't came to be until 13 years later when he saves his family from famine, and brings them to Egypt with him. His life was on pause also, but not really. 

The purpose is a whole thing, there are pauses and different paths, but all lead to the end God wants you to have. I mean, assuming everything you do is godly. And actually, there is no single purpose, there are different things God wants you to accomplish. 

Joseph was a slave, then he got out, and served Pothipar. Then he was thrown into jail, then made friends in jail, got out again.  Then he became almost Pharaoh, was in charge of Egypt and bla, bla... He accomplished many things on his 13-year-pause from his purpose, and all those things were orchestrated by God. God knew every single one of them. 

And see, there was not ONLY one purpose, but many. First, that He would serve Potiphar, that he would help the guy to get out of jail by interpreting his dream, that he would interpret Pharaoh's dream, etc. It's like that movie, It's a Wonderful Life. You are here for many things, not just one.

She plays with her toy bin

My pause now is Libby. Oh, Libyshhhhh, like my cousin Haidee calls her. I love you. I hope one day you could read this and laugh at how your Momma struggled with silly things while raising you... and know that I would do anything for you, I would give my life for you. 

So Exodus 6:6-8 really stood out for me, "I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the LORD"

I don't really know why it spoke to me, but I feel I'm under a yoke that it's not Jesus'. I'm a slave to my past, but God will bring me out. He will be my God, He doesn't forget about me, all the contrary. This time, this season in my life has purpose. Teaching Libby about God has purpose, and He will bring me to the land He promised. I don't know where that is, but it's okay, I don't have to know everything.

To finish this I will write what my Bible said. It reminded me of Nancy again:

She likes to get out all her toys

"Most of us want to know God's plan for our lives, but we're not always sure how to find it. One common misunderstabding is the idea of God's guidance will come to us out o the blue, and that it has nothing to do with what we're doing right now. But if we are always looking around for God's next assignemnet, we run the risk of ruining whatever we're working on right now. In the Bible, we can see that often God's call came while people were completely immersed in the challenge of the moment." 

True that. Moses was a run away, David was a shepherd, Gideon was a food gatherer for his family... I am Mommy, although I don't hear that yet, but I will. 

 Jeff told me yesterday that I have an opportunity that most people would want. I get to stay home with my daughter. And that if I thought about it, it will be very soon that she will be going to preschool, and then school, and I won't get to spend all day long with her. I can do something else with my time then, I can volunteer where I please, that time will come again. 

But right now, I only have this small window to make a difference, a real difference, and teach her about Jesus. He said, "Imagine that Elizabeth gets to share her faith in Jesus with such passion, that she becomes the next Joyce Meyer..." To what I responded, "Well, no, thank you..." 

He laughed and continued, "Well, the next Joyce Meyer with the gospel right. Wouldn't you look back and see that this time made that possible? It's just a matter of perspective."

He is so right. Besides, who wouldn't want to be this cutie's teacher?

My little student after eating.
Look how proud Mamma is at her mess.

So...changing the subject, Emerson brew some beer last week, and Libby helped him.

January 7th, 2012. Brewing day with Dadda.

Nancy Hunter sent me this via facebook. It reminded me that the seeds I'm planting with Elizabeth might one day produce very good fruit. She is my very own little disciple. I had always wanted that someone would listen to what I have to say about God. Well, I have her right in my living room every morning listening, she just doesn't know how to speak yet. But she listens...

Hmmm...what else?

My cake class is going alright. I've learned several things, like icing the cake the right way. I get to make a cake for a baby shower next Sunday as a favor. It will help me practice. Here are some photos of my work, before the first class and after the first class...

I wanted to take a class because of this

I will post some photos of a cake I'm baking now, just for practice before the baby shower. We have small group tonight so I'm guessing I'll take it there. 

Second cake 

Emerson has been taking the cakes I've baked to work, I'm glad because it's a ton of sweet stuff. We went to Michael's to buy pans and other things I needed for baking. 

First cake after first class

I really like baking cakes, decorating them more than anything. There's a weird feeling I get when I see it, and see that is pretty. Still I  need to learn, but I'm making progress considering I've learned almost everything on the internet.  

Blessed beyond belief

Nancy Hunter has been writing in her blog lately about Gabe and the children. I think God has been trying to tell me something through her lately.

Nancy wrote that some years ago she gave Gabe a photo album because she wanted him to see the beautiful gifts God had given him, the precious people who were looking up to him, and priceless moments with them. 

She wanted him to realize that he was not unfortunate and forgotten by God, but blessed beyond belief; that life was not hopeless, but wonderful.

I've been feeling weird these couple of weeks. I know I'm blessed, but I feel guilty about it. I feel that God would come and take it all away because I didn't do what I'm supposed to. I want to do more things with my life, and sometimes I don't think changing diapers and doing laundry is enough.

But when I read what Nancy wrote, I cried. I cried and I asked God to tell me what's wrong. I feel He said nothing's wrong. I don't have to be afraid because He loves me and wants to bless me. All this time I've been wondering what I am supposed to do with my life, but Nancy said it perfectly:

"I think it's funny that I am always trying to figure out 'What does God want me to do?' and figure out his direction for what is next. I was reminded that maybe I am right where He wants me. I picture it like I'm on a bus calling everybody to try to get directions to Chicago and I'm already there. I just need to chill and appreciate what He has done and is doing"

I think I am right where God wants me, and they talked about that at church the other day, I guess I am the only one struggling with that. I just can't believe God wants me being a Mommy, when I can be helping somewhere else. 

Yes, she is needy...she grabs me by the hair and pulls it awfully when I'm trying to put her in her crib to go night, nights...

Yes, she cries...she cries every time she wants me to change her diaper, or hug her, or feed her or pick her up. She cries whenever I leave her alone, or disappear to go pipis. No matter how many times I tell her Mommy also needs to go pipis, she cries...

But she laughs whenever I say,  "Venga, venga" 

Or whenever Daddy says, "Hey, hey, hey" in Fat Albert's voice...

 And she never pays attention whenever Dori is around...

I have the perfect gift in her. Creation is God's unique ability, and He blessed us wit her. She sees us, she trusts in us. She doesn't say it, but she loves us.

I have a perfect family. It doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy don't argue. We argue a lot. It doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy don't sin. We sin, heck, we do...we are imperfect people. 

It means we are loved by a God who understands everything. And He chooses to love us in spite of us. He chooses to love. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for Emerson. He has a plan for our marriage, and our children. He has a plan for how we will raise our family. 

And maybe I don't need to be constantly thinking if I'm exactly fulfilling it. Don't need to be anxious about having to know how it will unfold, or the next move I need to make, or stressing out thinking maybe God doesn't want me to do exactly that.

He is in charge of me, I am His responsibility. He has to take care of me. Maybe I just need to relax and trust He will guide me through it, He will take care of it... 

When Jesus died for us, He promised He will.  

Longwood Trails. Dec 2011.