S.O.S.

"Uh! Oh! What's that!!?? A sound?? Oh... it's me" ~ Enzo. 


Some days I feel like giving up.

I have always been a downer... even after becoming a Christian. One of my main struggles is that I am very negative in my way of thinking. If things don't go like I expect them to go, I throw pity parties for myself, and everything looks gray. I'm not where I was at seven years ago, but still those feelings come and go. I recognize them easier now, and Emerson helps me stop my train before it derails. But the feelings are hard to ignore when it comes to my husband and my children. Duh!

I know that God is working in my life, and I'm resisting it so much. It is obvious I need to change. It is obvious that in this season of my life, God is showing me things that I need to work on. I think one of my problems is that I cry when I am sad. I feel like crying when something is not under my control.  I am afraid of making mistakes with my children. I am afraid that I'm doing things wrong... and I cry. I cry because they don't listen. I cry because if I am kind they don't listen. And if I lose my patience, and yell at them, they don't listen. So what the heck am I supposed to do? I wish there were a formula for things going they way I want them to go - always.

BOATING

Today at the doctor, we had to wait like for an hour... and my children were HORRIBLE. They cannot sit still. Other children can do it. Why can't my children do it? They never stop. They do not stop. They are always jumping, running, pushing each other, chasing each other. And I'm happy. I'm happy they love each other so much, but I'm exhausted. I'm tired that they power up against me. Libby has much influence on Enzo. She is so strong-willed... I don't really know if Enzo is, but he follows her - always. She is his leader, and he is such a great follower that they are like the PB&J of disobedience and disrespect... and just general naughtiness lately.

And I'm tired.

And I wonder why. It's not even "Why me, God?". It's more like I wonder what's the purpose for this. The other day I was reading that the purpose of the Christian life is not only to go to heaven, and that's it. And by no means Jesus is a a get-out-of-hell card. Following Jesus, yes, requires commitment. But at the same time, it is not like you have to get your act together before accepting in faith that He indeed died for your sins. He willingly paid for all the wrong things you have done, do and will continue to do.

- "Why? That's not fair... Nobody has to pay for my sins".

- "OKAY, FINE!! It's not fair. But I don't want God's justice, to be very frank".

Daddy and Mommy

Of course, I just have to preach it because Easter is coming. So suck it up...

THE HELL WITH RELIGION...

On a regular basis, there are things I think about during the night, and then I can't sleep...All these thoughts come from the burden I feel on my shoulders. But I don't think God has big expectations of me. At least not the expectations I think He has. God wants me to be free from any burden that He himself hasn't given me personally, if I make sense.  It is for freedom that Jesus has set me free. I am not supposed to live under a yoke of slavery anymore...

I cried the other night because I feel I have a burden on my shoulders. A burden I put on myself: to be perfect. To be THE Christian wife, to be THE Christian mom. All the while I usually forget that Jesus already said that I won't be these things on my own. I will never be THE perfect mom, or THE perfect wife or THE perfect Christian. I will never be those things because I am a sinner. I make mistakes. I sin - by accident or willingly. I mess up every day. When I lose it and yell at my children - impatience. When I hate Emerson in my heart - murder. When I whine about the freaking weather in Chennai - unthankfulness. When I argue with my mother - not very peaceful. When I worry - unfaithful. When I snap at people at the playground mainly - not self-controlled. I just can't do it on my own. I cannot be the person the Word of God asks me to be. I just don't have it in me.

Daddy and Irfan

Am I supposed to quit my faith then? Am I supposed to do as everybody does? Am I supposed to settle for less than what God wants me to be just because I cannot be as holy as He calls me to be? What does it mean to be holy as HE is holy? Can it be done? And if yes, then how?

"I am the TRUE vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you" ~ Isa al-Masih.

[Of course I want my Muslims to read this. Who am I kidding? I've told them all these things to their faces over tea, over Chinese, over biryani, over Tryst, in my house, in their house, at VGP, at Hot Chips, at Vasantha Bhavan, over tea again, over samosas, over curry and chapatti... Don't fret Muslim Brothers and Sisters in their faith - if there are any reading my words. They have been faithful to the Ummah, and have told me quite clearly that no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. I am kafir, I know... And it is very likely that I will die in shirk. But they don't lose faith in me, and I don't lose faith in them. And that's the essence of our friendship. The nine of us love Allah. I submit myself to Him, but I can't be a Muslim. 

The Nunez and The Irfans

What can I tell you, Samina auntie? I'm failing miserably at your First Pillar of Faith. I don't believe in my heart the second part of the Shahadda. But I love my hottie, with all my heart... She's such a blessing to me, and she's so fun to be around. She cannot control herself at times and has told me openly I am going to hell - literally. She is bad at poker face. But she can be sweet with me if she really wants to, and is a very determined woman (to Irfan's misery). And no, we are not living together, although 90% of the times you call I'm always in the background. My mom is jealous now.]

Faiza - my hottie ;)

I want to be fruitful. The fruit God gives you is love, joy, peace, faithfulness, self control, patience, kindness, compassion, goodness, gentleness... And Jesus said to ask for those things. He said to ask for whatever of those things I want, and it will be done!! What? You took the whatever you wish out of context? Yeah... it doesn't mean a car, or a house, or any material stuff you want. I think most of us had thought that at some point. 

It seems at first glance that the Bible is a book of rules I have to follow. Dealing with Irfan uncle over tea for the past five months, I'm most convinced that Biblical Christianity IS NOT a religion. I knew that before, but now it is exploding out of my head. Because for the most part, I haven't gone to church for -gosh- almost a year,  I think. But I don't feel guilty. Going to church, or reading my Bible, or not eating food dedicated to idols are not buckets on my checklist. 

I have a relationship with the living God. 

My boys

The Bible, as much as God has allowed me to understand it, is not a book of rules. Yes, it does have some rules, and they show you how life works best and why. But the Bible isn't mainly about us and what we should be doing. The Bible is most of all a Story. A Story about what God has already done in our behalf.

The Bible is like a mirror. It cuts soul and spirit, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart of any man. It reflects who you are versus who you could be. Anybody who reads the Bible as a whole, and tries following it as a book of rules to gain God's approval will fail miserably. No matter how many times you pray, give your money away, go to church, fast, and try to be your very best - you will never be perfect. You will be worn out trying to follow the rules, and then, of course, Christianity will be only that - your religion.

When you treat God as a genie - following or trying to follow all the rules - it will come a point in your life when you realize things in real life don't work out that way. Because God does not work out that way. You cannot put God in a box.  Then you blame God, or worse, you blame yourself. Maybe you are not praying enough. Maybe you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing. If only you try harder, if only you had more faith... And your faith becomes dry and boring, a duty to perform. If it doesn't work, you actually try harder. And sometimes it works. But what do you do when it doesn't work? You are at risk of giving it up altogether and just faking it...

Good job making PB&J's!

Play by the rules to get the results you want. Do this, do that. If you do this, then God would do that. A very well-man-established system to get to God. Do's and Don'ts. That is my definition of religion. And I don't like that game. Sometimes, without realizing I start playing it, but it has never helped me or those around me. That's why I chose to follow the guy who came with AUTHORITY from God to abolish religion - all religions. Jesus never intended for Christianity to be called Christianity. He never intended for the cross to be a symbol for His church. He never called His followers Christians. That word was actually used in those days to refer to them in a negative way. Jesus' followers called themselves followers of THE WAY because they followed HIM.

Qareena and my boy

So you could be a Muslim, or a Hindu or whatever you want to call yourself and follow HIM. Become His disciple. Study His teachings and live your life by them. If you live your life based on His principles your life will change. Even if at the end of your life you never acknowledge Him as your Savior, I assure you, at least you will have lived a better life. Of course that's not what Jesus has in mind for you, but that's your problem - not His. All I want to say - if anything- is that Jesus never called anybody to become Christian or to live the perfect religious life. He came to heal the spiritually sick. He came to give life to your life - abundantly. He came to teach us how to love - perfectly. And by that, by loving the way He loved, His disciples are to be spotted.

Now, let's eat it...

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. I am the narrow way" ~ Jesus [emphasis mine] 

Okay, fine. I feel I need to tell something to my children right now...

YOU, GUYS, ARE TERRIBLE. 

LIBBY, YOU HIT ME ON THE CAR ON PURPOSE. YOU PULLED MY HAIR, ON PURPOSE. YOU DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY. YOU LOOK AT ME IN THE EYE AND DEFY MY AUTHORITY. YOU DO AS I TELL YOU YOU SHOULDN'T, JUST TO PROVE THAT YOU CAN. YOU ARE VERY STUBBORN...

ENZO, YOU ARE SUCH AN EXCELLENT FOLLOWER OF YOUR SISTER'S WAYS. YOU ARE SO STUBBORN, TOO. YOU CRY AND THROW FITS. YOU SAY NO TO EVERY SINGLE THING I ASK OF YOU. YOU HIT HER, PUSH HER, AND PULL HER HAIR WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.

I DON'T HATE YOU, GUYS. I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH LATELY. YOU ARE ALWAYS GETTING IN TROUBLE EVERYWHERE WE GO. BUT I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU. YOU MAKE HEAVEN FEEL SO REAL. OUR FAMILY IS GOD'S GIFT TO ME. YOU, BOTH, ARE LITTLE INSTRUMENTS THAT GOD IS USING IN SHAPING MY CHARACTER. OH, BOY... WHAT WAS I THINKING? THAT BECOMING LIKE JESUS WAS ACHIEVABLE BY ONLY GOING TO CHURCH? OR READING MY BIBLE? NO, I HAVE TO DO WHAT IT SAYS. THESE ARE THE TRIALS OF THIS LIFE...

VGP SLIDE

YOU TRY MY PATIENCE EVERY DAY. YOU TRY MY KINDNESS, MY GENTLENESS. YOU ARE KNOCKING MY SELF-CONTROL OUT. BUT I BELIEVE GOD IS USING YOU TO MOLD ME INTO THE WOMAN HE WANTS ME TO BE. HE WANTS ME TO BE LIKE JESUS. HE DOES. AND THAT'S THE TRUE ESSENCE OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE: TO BE A DISCIPLE. TO LEARN FROM HIM, TO LEARN TO DO WHAT HE WOULD DO. TO LEARN TO SAY WHAT HE WOULD SAY. TO FOLLOW HIM CLOSELY. AND I'M FOLLOWING MY SAVIOR TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY WITH HIS HELP. 

AND YOU ARE BEARING WITNESS OF HIS POWER, TOO. DO NOT LET ANYONE LOOK DOWN ON YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE YOUNG, GUYS. BUT SET AN EXAMPLE.

LIBBY, YOU HAVE A SERVANT'S HEART. YOU ARE ALWAYS SERVING ME OR DADDY, DOING THINGS FOR US THAT WE DON'T EVEN ASK FROM YOU. YOU BRING US WATER. YOU GIVE WATER WATER TO ENZO, OR DAANU, TOO. YOU ARE VERY MISCHIEVOUS - VERY. BUT YOU HAVE A SPARK FOR LIFE THAT IS DIFFICULT TO FIND. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, AND YOU DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET. 

DAANU'S BIRTHDAY

ENZO, MY ONLY BOY. MY BOY. I AM PROUD TO BE CALLED MOMMY BY YOU. YOU CALL ME KARLA AUNTIE ON A REGULAR BASIS NOW, AND I'M TIRED OF TELLING YOU I AM NOT YOUR AUNTIE. I AM YOUR MOTHER! BUT YOU ARE SO SWEET, ENZO. YOU HAVE - I WOULD SAY- A LIKABLE PERSONALITY. PEOPLE LIKE YOU. YOU ARE RUDE TO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU REALLY KNOW THEM, BUT THEY LIKE YOU.

YOU HAVE PASSION IN YOU. YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF AT THE PLAYGROUND, AND I WAS SO PROUD... I THINK I WOULD BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS WHO WOULD YELL, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!", IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT. YOU HAVE DETERMINATION AND CURIOSITY.

FORGIVE US, YOU, GUYS, IF WE GET TIRED OF YOU ASKING WHY ABOUT EVERYTHING. PLEASE, NEVER STOP ASKING. WE'LL RECHARGE BATTERIES AND WILL KEEP ON ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS.

Ayerah, Faiza and Qareena

IN ALL THIS MESS THAT INVOLVES RAISING YOU - BECAUSE THERE ARE MESSES- THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, BECAUSE WE DON'T DO IT ALONE. GOD IS WITH US. AND THAT'S WHY I CRIED AT THE HOSPITAL TODAY IN FRONT OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHEN YOU GUYS WERE HITTING EACH OTHER ON THE DIRTY FLOORS. I CRIED BECAUSE GOD LOVES ME SO. HE LOVES ME PERFECTLY. HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. HE LOVES ME NO STRINGS ATTACHED. HE LOVED ME FIRST, BEFOER I EVEN LOVED HIM BACK. AND THAT'S WHY I CAN CHOOSE TO LOVE YOU FREELY.

I CAN LOVE YOU WILLINGLY - NO MATTER WHAT.  SERIOUSLY, WHEN I SAW YOU ON THE FLOOR, YOU BOTH IGNORING ME,  I ASKED IN MY HEART, ''WHY? WHY DON'T THEY LISTEN? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?"

AND THE STILL VOICE IN MY HEART SAID, "ISN'T IT DIFFICULT TO KNOW BETTER AND STILL BEING IGNORED? ISN'T IT DIFFICULT BEING A FATHER WHO GIVES IT ALL UP FOR THEM, AND STILL THEY REJECT YOU?"

THAT WAS GOD. THAT WAS NOT ME.

LUNGI DANCE- FAMILY DAY

THEN I CRIED EVEN MORE... BECAUSE THE SAME THINGS THAT I DEMAND AND EXPECT FROM YOU, ARE THE SAME THINGS THAT SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN DO MYSELF WITH GOD. I THINK I KNOW BETTER. I THINK I'M FINE. I  DON'T LISTEN. I DON'T OBEY WHOLLY. I THINK I CAN DO FINE ON MY OWN. I AM GUILTY OF THAT.

AND THEN, THERE IS GRACE. BECAUSE LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON, A FATHER WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO COME BACK.

WE TALKED ABOUT IT TONIGHT. AS YOU WERE PASSING OUT, I POINTED THE NEED FOR A SAVIOR BECAUSE I SIN AGAINST YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU SIN AGAINST ME, GUYS. AND ALL OF US SIN AGAINST THE GOD WHO GAVE US LIFE. AND THAT'S WHY WE NEED HELP. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, THE STANDARD AGAINST WHICH WE WILL BE JUDGED IS GOD HIMSELF. ANYTHING LESSER THAN A PERFECT LIFE IS NOT ENOUGH. I AM JUST SCREWED. WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? I NEED A SAVIOR. 

Too much swimming

Posing for the camera

DAD AND I ARE TRYING TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING HERE. TO RAISE YOU IN A WAY SO THAT WHEN YOU GO ON WITH YOUR OWN LIVES, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD. WE WILL NOT BE THERE ALL THE TIME, BEHIND YOU. WE WANT YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS, ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. WHOLE. WE WANT YOU TO LOVE GOD, AND THEN AS A RESULT TO LOVE PEOPLE - ALL PEOPLE. TO WITNESS THAT LOVE THAT GOD GAVE US IN CHRIST.

WE WILL SEE... I PRAY THAT ONE DAY I WILL SEE THE FRUIT OF OUR LABOR. THAT I REJOICE KNOWING THAT YOU ARE WALKING IN THE TRUTH. BUT IF YOU ARE NOT, OR IF YOU WANDER AWAY, OR IF YOU REJECT IT ALTOGETHER... KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIDE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RUN AWAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEAR. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOUR CHOICES, EVEN IF WE DON'T AGREE.

Sathya ma'am and Libby

Libby and Julian

Libby singing

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ABLE TO DO SO. NOT BECAUSE OF US, BUT BECAUSE OF HIM WHO GAVE US THE POWER TO LOVE SACRIFICIALLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY.

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, PEDORROS, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY- NO MATTER WHAT.

OUR FRIENDS :)

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us... He has risen, just as He said.

~Rom 5:8, Matt 28:6

HAPPY EASTER, PEOPLE!!!