S.O.S.

"Uh! Oh! What's that!!?? A sound?? Oh... it's me" ~ Enzo. 


Some days I feel like giving up.

I have always been a downer... even after becoming a Christian. One of my main struggles is that I am very negative in my way of thinking. If things don't go like I expect them to go, I throw pity parties for myself, and everything looks gray. I'm not where I was at seven years ago, but still those feelings come and go. I recognize them easier now, and Emerson helps me stop my train before it derails. But the feelings are hard to ignore when it comes to my husband and my children. Duh!

I know that God is working in my life, and I'm resisting it so much. It is obvious I need to change. It is obvious that in this season of my life, God is showing me things that I need to work on. I think one of my problems is that I cry when I am sad. I feel like crying when something is not under my control.  I am afraid of making mistakes with my children. I am afraid that I'm doing things wrong... and I cry. I cry because they don't listen. I cry because if I am kind they don't listen. And if I lose my patience, and yell at them, they don't listen. So what the heck am I supposed to do? I wish there were a formula for things going they way I want them to go - always.

BOATING

Today at the doctor, we had to wait like for an hour... and my children were HORRIBLE. They cannot sit still. Other children can do it. Why can't my children do it? They never stop. They do not stop. They are always jumping, running, pushing each other, chasing each other. And I'm happy. I'm happy they love each other so much, but I'm exhausted. I'm tired that they power up against me. Libby has much influence on Enzo. She is so strong-willed... I don't really know if Enzo is, but he follows her - always. She is his leader, and he is such a great follower that they are like the PB&J of disobedience and disrespect... and just general naughtiness lately.

And I'm tired.

And I wonder why. It's not even "Why me, God?". It's more like I wonder what's the purpose for this. The other day I was reading that the purpose of the Christian life is not only to go to heaven, and that's it. And by no means Jesus is a a get-out-of-hell card. Following Jesus, yes, requires commitment. But at the same time, it is not like you have to get your act together before accepting in faith that He indeed died for your sins. He willingly paid for all the wrong things you have done, do and will continue to do.

- "Why? That's not fair... Nobody has to pay for my sins".

- "OKAY, FINE!! It's not fair. But I don't want God's justice, to be very frank".

Daddy and Mommy

Of course, I just have to preach it because Easter is coming. So suck it up...

THE HELL WITH RELIGION...

On a regular basis, there are things I think about during the night, and then I can't sleep...All these thoughts come from the burden I feel on my shoulders. But I don't think God has big expectations of me. At least not the expectations I think He has. God wants me to be free from any burden that He himself hasn't given me personally, if I make sense.  It is for freedom that Jesus has set me free. I am not supposed to live under a yoke of slavery anymore...

I cried the other night because I feel I have a burden on my shoulders. A burden I put on myself: to be perfect. To be THE Christian wife, to be THE Christian mom. All the while I usually forget that Jesus already said that I won't be these things on my own. I will never be THE perfect mom, or THE perfect wife or THE perfect Christian. I will never be those things because I am a sinner. I make mistakes. I sin - by accident or willingly. I mess up every day. When I lose it and yell at my children - impatience. When I hate Emerson in my heart - murder. When I whine about the freaking weather in Chennai - unthankfulness. When I argue with my mother - not very peaceful. When I worry - unfaithful. When I snap at people at the playground mainly - not self-controlled. I just can't do it on my own. I cannot be the person the Word of God asks me to be. I just don't have it in me.

Daddy and Irfan

Am I supposed to quit my faith then? Am I supposed to do as everybody does? Am I supposed to settle for less than what God wants me to be just because I cannot be as holy as He calls me to be? What does it mean to be holy as HE is holy? Can it be done? And if yes, then how?

"I am the TRUE vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you" ~ Isa al-Masih.

[Of course I want my Muslims to read this. Who am I kidding? I've told them all these things to their faces over tea, over Chinese, over biryani, over Tryst, in my house, in their house, at VGP, at Hot Chips, at Vasantha Bhavan, over tea again, over samosas, over curry and chapatti... Don't fret Muslim Brothers and Sisters in their faith - if there are any reading my words. They have been faithful to the Ummah, and have told me quite clearly that no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. I am kafir, I know... And it is very likely that I will die in shirk. But they don't lose faith in me, and I don't lose faith in them. And that's the essence of our friendship. The nine of us love Allah. I submit myself to Him, but I can't be a Muslim. 

The Nunez and The Irfans

What can I tell you, Samina auntie? I'm failing miserably at your First Pillar of Faith. I don't believe in my heart the second part of the Shahadda. But I love my hottie, with all my heart... She's such a blessing to me, and she's so fun to be around. She cannot control herself at times and has told me openly I am going to hell - literally. She is bad at poker face. But she can be sweet with me if she really wants to, and is a very determined woman (to Irfan's misery). And no, we are not living together, although 90% of the times you call I'm always in the background. My mom is jealous now.]

Faiza - my hottie ;)

I want to be fruitful. The fruit God gives you is love, joy, peace, faithfulness, self control, patience, kindness, compassion, goodness, gentleness... And Jesus said to ask for those things. He said to ask for whatever of those things I want, and it will be done!! What? You took the whatever you wish out of context? Yeah... it doesn't mean a car, or a house, or any material stuff you want. I think most of us had thought that at some point. 

It seems at first glance that the Bible is a book of rules I have to follow. Dealing with Irfan uncle over tea for the past five months, I'm most convinced that Biblical Christianity IS NOT a religion. I knew that before, but now it is exploding out of my head. Because for the most part, I haven't gone to church for -gosh- almost a year,  I think. But I don't feel guilty. Going to church, or reading my Bible, or not eating food dedicated to idols are not buckets on my checklist. 

I have a relationship with the living God. 

My boys

The Bible, as much as God has allowed me to understand it, is not a book of rules. Yes, it does have some rules, and they show you how life works best and why. But the Bible isn't mainly about us and what we should be doing. The Bible is most of all a Story. A Story about what God has already done in our behalf.

The Bible is like a mirror. It cuts soul and spirit, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart of any man. It reflects who you are versus who you could be. Anybody who reads the Bible as a whole, and tries following it as a book of rules to gain God's approval will fail miserably. No matter how many times you pray, give your money away, go to church, fast, and try to be your very best - you will never be perfect. You will be worn out trying to follow the rules, and then, of course, Christianity will be only that - your religion.

When you treat God as a genie - following or trying to follow all the rules - it will come a point in your life when you realize things in real life don't work out that way. Because God does not work out that way. You cannot put God in a box.  Then you blame God, or worse, you blame yourself. Maybe you are not praying enough. Maybe you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing. If only you try harder, if only you had more faith... And your faith becomes dry and boring, a duty to perform. If it doesn't work, you actually try harder. And sometimes it works. But what do you do when it doesn't work? You are at risk of giving it up altogether and just faking it...

Good job making PB&J's!

Play by the rules to get the results you want. Do this, do that. If you do this, then God would do that. A very well-man-established system to get to God. Do's and Don'ts. That is my definition of religion. And I don't like that game. Sometimes, without realizing I start playing it, but it has never helped me or those around me. That's why I chose to follow the guy who came with AUTHORITY from God to abolish religion - all religions. Jesus never intended for Christianity to be called Christianity. He never intended for the cross to be a symbol for His church. He never called His followers Christians. That word was actually used in those days to refer to them in a negative way. Jesus' followers called themselves followers of THE WAY because they followed HIM.

Qareena and my boy

So you could be a Muslim, or a Hindu or whatever you want to call yourself and follow HIM. Become His disciple. Study His teachings and live your life by them. If you live your life based on His principles your life will change. Even if at the end of your life you never acknowledge Him as your Savior, I assure you, at least you will have lived a better life. Of course that's not what Jesus has in mind for you, but that's your problem - not His. All I want to say - if anything- is that Jesus never called anybody to become Christian or to live the perfect religious life. He came to heal the spiritually sick. He came to give life to your life - abundantly. He came to teach us how to love - perfectly. And by that, by loving the way He loved, His disciples are to be spotted.

Now, let's eat it...

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. I am the narrow way" ~ Jesus [emphasis mine] 

Okay, fine. I feel I need to tell something to my children right now...

YOU, GUYS, ARE TERRIBLE. 

LIBBY, YOU HIT ME ON THE CAR ON PURPOSE. YOU PULLED MY HAIR, ON PURPOSE. YOU DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY. YOU LOOK AT ME IN THE EYE AND DEFY MY AUTHORITY. YOU DO AS I TELL YOU YOU SHOULDN'T, JUST TO PROVE THAT YOU CAN. YOU ARE VERY STUBBORN...

ENZO, YOU ARE SUCH AN EXCELLENT FOLLOWER OF YOUR SISTER'S WAYS. YOU ARE SO STUBBORN, TOO. YOU CRY AND THROW FITS. YOU SAY NO TO EVERY SINGLE THING I ASK OF YOU. YOU HIT HER, PUSH HER, AND PULL HER HAIR WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.

I DON'T HATE YOU, GUYS. I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH LATELY. YOU ARE ALWAYS GETTING IN TROUBLE EVERYWHERE WE GO. BUT I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU. YOU MAKE HEAVEN FEEL SO REAL. OUR FAMILY IS GOD'S GIFT TO ME. YOU, BOTH, ARE LITTLE INSTRUMENTS THAT GOD IS USING IN SHAPING MY CHARACTER. OH, BOY... WHAT WAS I THINKING? THAT BECOMING LIKE JESUS WAS ACHIEVABLE BY ONLY GOING TO CHURCH? OR READING MY BIBLE? NO, I HAVE TO DO WHAT IT SAYS. THESE ARE THE TRIALS OF THIS LIFE...

VGP SLIDE

YOU TRY MY PATIENCE EVERY DAY. YOU TRY MY KINDNESS, MY GENTLENESS. YOU ARE KNOCKING MY SELF-CONTROL OUT. BUT I BELIEVE GOD IS USING YOU TO MOLD ME INTO THE WOMAN HE WANTS ME TO BE. HE WANTS ME TO BE LIKE JESUS. HE DOES. AND THAT'S THE TRUE ESSENCE OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE: TO BE A DISCIPLE. TO LEARN FROM HIM, TO LEARN TO DO WHAT HE WOULD DO. TO LEARN TO SAY WHAT HE WOULD SAY. TO FOLLOW HIM CLOSELY. AND I'M FOLLOWING MY SAVIOR TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY WITH HIS HELP. 

AND YOU ARE BEARING WITNESS OF HIS POWER, TOO. DO NOT LET ANYONE LOOK DOWN ON YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE YOUNG, GUYS. BUT SET AN EXAMPLE.

LIBBY, YOU HAVE A SERVANT'S HEART. YOU ARE ALWAYS SERVING ME OR DADDY, DOING THINGS FOR US THAT WE DON'T EVEN ASK FROM YOU. YOU BRING US WATER. YOU GIVE WATER WATER TO ENZO, OR DAANU, TOO. YOU ARE VERY MISCHIEVOUS - VERY. BUT YOU HAVE A SPARK FOR LIFE THAT IS DIFFICULT TO FIND. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, AND YOU DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET. 

DAANU'S BIRTHDAY

ENZO, MY ONLY BOY. MY BOY. I AM PROUD TO BE CALLED MOMMY BY YOU. YOU CALL ME KARLA AUNTIE ON A REGULAR BASIS NOW, AND I'M TIRED OF TELLING YOU I AM NOT YOUR AUNTIE. I AM YOUR MOTHER! BUT YOU ARE SO SWEET, ENZO. YOU HAVE - I WOULD SAY- A LIKABLE PERSONALITY. PEOPLE LIKE YOU. YOU ARE RUDE TO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU REALLY KNOW THEM, BUT THEY LIKE YOU.

YOU HAVE PASSION IN YOU. YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF AT THE PLAYGROUND, AND I WAS SO PROUD... I THINK I WOULD BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS WHO WOULD YELL, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!", IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT. YOU HAVE DETERMINATION AND CURIOSITY.

FORGIVE US, YOU, GUYS, IF WE GET TIRED OF YOU ASKING WHY ABOUT EVERYTHING. PLEASE, NEVER STOP ASKING. WE'LL RECHARGE BATTERIES AND WILL KEEP ON ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS.

Ayerah, Faiza and Qareena

IN ALL THIS MESS THAT INVOLVES RAISING YOU - BECAUSE THERE ARE MESSES- THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, BECAUSE WE DON'T DO IT ALONE. GOD IS WITH US. AND THAT'S WHY I CRIED AT THE HOSPITAL TODAY IN FRONT OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHEN YOU GUYS WERE HITTING EACH OTHER ON THE DIRTY FLOORS. I CRIED BECAUSE GOD LOVES ME SO. HE LOVES ME PERFECTLY. HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. HE LOVES ME NO STRINGS ATTACHED. HE LOVED ME FIRST, BEFOER I EVEN LOVED HIM BACK. AND THAT'S WHY I CAN CHOOSE TO LOVE YOU FREELY.

I CAN LOVE YOU WILLINGLY - NO MATTER WHAT.  SERIOUSLY, WHEN I SAW YOU ON THE FLOOR, YOU BOTH IGNORING ME,  I ASKED IN MY HEART, ''WHY? WHY DON'T THEY LISTEN? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?"

AND THE STILL VOICE IN MY HEART SAID, "ISN'T IT DIFFICULT TO KNOW BETTER AND STILL BEING IGNORED? ISN'T IT DIFFICULT BEING A FATHER WHO GIVES IT ALL UP FOR THEM, AND STILL THEY REJECT YOU?"

THAT WAS GOD. THAT WAS NOT ME.

LUNGI DANCE- FAMILY DAY

THEN I CRIED EVEN MORE... BECAUSE THE SAME THINGS THAT I DEMAND AND EXPECT FROM YOU, ARE THE SAME THINGS THAT SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN DO MYSELF WITH GOD. I THINK I KNOW BETTER. I THINK I'M FINE. I  DON'T LISTEN. I DON'T OBEY WHOLLY. I THINK I CAN DO FINE ON MY OWN. I AM GUILTY OF THAT.

AND THEN, THERE IS GRACE. BECAUSE LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON, A FATHER WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO COME BACK.

WE TALKED ABOUT IT TONIGHT. AS YOU WERE PASSING OUT, I POINTED THE NEED FOR A SAVIOR BECAUSE I SIN AGAINST YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU SIN AGAINST ME, GUYS. AND ALL OF US SIN AGAINST THE GOD WHO GAVE US LIFE. AND THAT'S WHY WE NEED HELP. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, THE STANDARD AGAINST WHICH WE WILL BE JUDGED IS GOD HIMSELF. ANYTHING LESSER THAN A PERFECT LIFE IS NOT ENOUGH. I AM JUST SCREWED. WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? I NEED A SAVIOR. 

Too much swimming

Posing for the camera

DAD AND I ARE TRYING TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING HERE. TO RAISE YOU IN A WAY SO THAT WHEN YOU GO ON WITH YOUR OWN LIVES, YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD. WE WILL NOT BE THERE ALL THE TIME, BEHIND YOU. WE WANT YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS, ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. WHOLE. WE WANT YOU TO LOVE GOD, AND THEN AS A RESULT TO LOVE PEOPLE - ALL PEOPLE. TO WITNESS THAT LOVE THAT GOD GAVE US IN CHRIST.

WE WILL SEE... I PRAY THAT ONE DAY I WILL SEE THE FRUIT OF OUR LABOR. THAT I REJOICE KNOWING THAT YOU ARE WALKING IN THE TRUTH. BUT IF YOU ARE NOT, OR IF YOU WANDER AWAY, OR IF YOU REJECT IT ALTOGETHER... KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIDE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RUN AWAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEAR. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO SUPPORT YOUR CHOICES, EVEN IF WE DON'T AGREE.

Sathya ma'am and Libby

Libby and Julian

Libby singing

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ABLE TO DO SO. NOT BECAUSE OF US, BUT BECAUSE OF HIM WHO GAVE US THE POWER TO LOVE SACRIFICIALLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY.

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, PEDORROS, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY- NO MATTER WHAT.

OUR FRIENDS :)

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us... He has risen, just as He said.

~Rom 5:8, Matt 28:6

HAPPY EASTER, PEOPLE!!! 

Ma vie de femme au foyer

French classes rock! So far so good...I'm studying some things that I already knew so maybe that's why. Still I think that a mental block has been lifted up. When I was studying French in college, I was always trying to get it perfect, word by word, but learning a new language doesn't work that way. It just doesn't work that way... I didn't know this - of course- because at that time I was still in Mexico, not in the US. After moving to Ohio, tough, I realized translating word by word was useless. I don't know how it worked out, but eventually my brain began - little by little- thinking in English.

So now when I speak English, I could talk on and on and on without even translating into Spanish any single word. Speaking English is just normal. Natural. And there are things that don't make sense, and do not translate, but that's the way it is. This has been so far my approach to French, and it's working wonders. 

Playing with Sister at her school :)

Je suis femme au foyer and it makes me cry sometimes! Ha ha ha! My children drive me crazy almost every day, but it is really something to see them mature and grow. Enzo is talking more and more, and Libby is turning into someone really wonderful and delightful to be with. This happens more often than not, because my children are not perfect. But she is very kind, and always looks after her brother. Enzo... not so much. LOL!

Preparing the zebra costume

I think Libby was awful at some point. I have to go back and read my own words, but if I remember correctly I used to talk about her tantrums and how she would throw things or herself to the floor. Enzo is doing the same. The new thing is that now both of them hit each other. Libby is defending herself and Enzo is getting stronger, so she cannot bully him anymore as she used to. So it's hard because on one hand I want him to stand up against her because she is a bully, but then she plays victim. And Enzo is a boy, and no matter what, I want to teach him, you never hit a woman. Even if she does things that would grant her a slap on the face, you control yourself... walk away, yell, hit the pillow, but you do not touch her.

Good friends

Apart from that, sometimes when he cries a night, she goes to his room and from the outside tells him she would protect him, and care for him. And she gives him Camille. Sometimes she sneaks him into her bedroom so that he stops crying altogether and let her sleep. They love each other. They fight like crazy, but they always make the peace, and forgive each other from the heart. And they really move on. Enzo is struggling so much lately with his anger, and self-control. This, too, shall pass. But it is difficult to be every day with a boy who constantly tries to hit me with his head, or throws stuff when he gets upset -which happens almost every 10 minutes- or just throws himself to the floor. I don't know what happened... he was so sweet. Ha ha ha!!

Her first love :)

In other news, Enzo is now worshiping idols according to Libby, which makes him a pagan. I don't know how they talk amongst each other so naturally about this, but naively I want to think that it is because of all the seeds I'm planting. Not only me, but Daddy and BSF. So you can hear Libby talking on a regular basis about Moses and the golden calf, and how the earth swallowed them up, which in the movie we watched happens after the calf, but it wasn't like that... Anyhow, you hear her singing some hymns they sing at BSF, and both of them are pretty obedient at BSF - we should go every day, LOL!!

We talk about stuff, real life stuff. Libby asks many questions lately about different religions, as much as she can grasp, I guess. It might be because she hears me talking sometimes with Emerson or because I explain stuff to her. Like for example, the elephant she calls "The elephant swinging on the swing" is not an elephant swinging on the swing, but it is Ganesh - a Hindu god (There is an ornament on the wall at school where Ganesh is swinging on a branch).

My zebra

And the lady at the school tells her, "It is Lord Ganesh!!" because she gets upset when Libby says it's an elephant. When we leave the building Libby begins talking about Lord Ganesh, and we talk about how it might be their Lord, but not ours, so we do not call him Lord. Then I explain more stuff like what Hindus believe, and so now she knows that Sugirda auntie is Hindu, and Faiza auntie is Muslim. And I don't really know how she processes these things in her brain, but it must be funny to think the way she thinks.

We've been spending lots of time with Faiza auntie, so Libby told me the other day she is now a Muslim as I was putting her to sleep...

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah...
- What about Jesus?
- I love Jesus.
- Of course... That's a good Muslim answer. So you are not a sinner...
- Yes, and Jesus died for me, and for Enzo. Then he rose again.
- Does Jesus have a dad?
- Yes. God is His Daddy.
- And you say you are a Muslim...
- Yes.
- O-K-A-Y...


Muslim-Libby FAIL!!

Doctor Libby

Then I proceeded to tell her how much I loved her no matter what she would choose to believe in as she grew up, but then she gave me a face like, "I know, and I'm tired of hearing it", so I stopped. She is not very corny or cuddly, just like her dad.

Emerson came back from China. I think God answered every single prayer of mine. He gave me lots of tolerance, and patience. There were situations that I handled much better. I think perspective and prayer can change a lot of things. Walk by the Spirit, it says, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh... And the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control... That happened a lot. Maybe Emerson should go to China more often, ha ha ha!!

So handsome!

There have been many stories that I'm forgetting I'm sure, but I've been so busy doing life, which is great... I don't feel like documenting every single thing that is happening in our lives lately. It is so personal, tough, that I wouldn't even write about. I just write about it in my personal diary. I have like three or four, and they are kind of a mess... I have information here and there about things here and there. We are having fun. Like, Libby had this eye infection. Then Emerson forgot to put the antibiotic for one time and the infection came back. Then I got the infection. Then he left to China, and I had one of those awful allergy attacks that I was having a horrible, horrible runny nose for days and couldn't breathe. Then I was chewing gum at my class, and suddenly I was chewing my own filing, and I have to go to the dentist tomorrow... But really, we are having fun.

AWFUL...

Just awful...

We went to a wedding, we see cows every day, Libby was a zebra at school, and she also had Sports Day. In between those things I miss home. This doesn't feel like home, and I don't think it will ever feel like it. If it does then it will be time to go back. Ten months and counting, Emerson said.  I like the food, tough. And it is home because we are all here. And the people are making it feel like home, but at the same time I get frustrated with many things. But that's the way it is. We discovered a nice place to eat pizzas, and the children had fun playing in the open area.

Wedding

Libby likes school, but I don't think she loves it anymore. Enzo is going thru a rough patch, and as much as I want to send him to school next school year, I don't think I will. The principal asked me the other day why I hadn't signed him up this year and told me she wants me to sign him up for next school year. "Sure, you want more money...", I thought.

Sports Day

But he is not going... Nope, not yet :))

Letter to young Karla on her birthday

Don't know why, but felt like getting up from the bed, and began writing this post about my birthday. Just had that feeling of really thinking what I have done with my life these 32 years...

For the most part, I've been a good person. What I mean is I haven't killed anyone (who can defend himself anyway). I've killed tons of insects and lizards since coming to India, tough. But I've been good. Being good, tough, hasn't translated into happiness at any point. My life sucked for a very long time. I just didn't know it sucked. And being good is not a guarantee that life will smile back at you, either. Shit happens all the time. So good doesn't come back at you all the time. The truth is I've been bad, too. 

I'm 32 today. I am alive, and I am happy to be. I think I am right where I am supposed to be, even if sometimes I don't like it. I'm hating it here, and complaining a lot about the place lately - according to Emerson. He said I'm getting to the six-month mark of homesickness. I do miss home. But I am here. And I cannot say I love the place, but I love the people. And I really like the food :)

My sister, and my Panzón

As I was laying down in bed, I just thought about myself as a child. Don't know why. Lately I'm thinking about myself as a child. Probably because I see Enzo and Libby and see their lives, and how they react to the things I say, and the things I do. I see them jumping on Daddy's back, and I see how much they love Emerson, and how much they respect him. You know, they have a healthy fear of Daddy. And I love watching how they love him. 

So if I could go back in time, and be placed as a friend of my family in contact with myself as a child... which is totally weird, because I imagine myself as the adult Karla knowing it is me, but the young Karla doesn't know it's me - like in a movie. 

Taking care of my dollie ;)

If I were there I would tell myself many things over a period of time specially from ages 9-17... I would tell young Karla:

YOU ARE LOVED. Maybe not like you yearn to be loved right now. You don't even know what love is right now. You are so little. But you need love. You are desperate for it. And you will make many mistakes as you grow up looking for love. You will have sex with a bunch of guys trying to find someone who loves you for who you are. But you are loved, my sweet little Karla. God loves you. And that Truth will change your life forever ~ 1 John 3:1, 1 John 4:16

YOU ARE ACCEPTED. You don't have to pretend you are something you are not. You don't have to do things people are doing, and you don't have to beg for people to like you. The One who made the Heavens and the Earth will look upon you, and will offer you real hope. Yourself is enough. I know, little one, that you will always struggle with feelings of not being good enough, but the One True God, the Creator of every single cloud you see will do whatever He can to make Himself found by you. And you will need Him so much... You will find Him when you least expect it. You can be who you are because He loves you. Stop trying to be perfect. God loves you just like you are ~ Ephesians 1:6

Smiling

YOU ARE FORGIVEN. You may feel guilty over stealing your neighbor's toy as a 9 year-old. But at 18 you will end up the life of a baby inside you. You will carry that guilt for seven years in total silence. And nobody will ever see the scars that decision left within your soul. But God sees them. And He will heal them, Sweetheart. He will make something new, something completely new out of that awful situation. Because of His amazing grace He will give you hope and a future. He will forgive you because He is the Only One who can forgive you. And by golly, you will pour your life into your babies because you know that you have been given the opportunity to be a mother - twice- just because God is that merciful ~ Colossians 1:14, Jeremiah 29:11

YOU ARE FREE. You don't know this, but you are a slave. A slave to your bad choices. You will be a slave to alcohol. And tobacco. And sex. And anger. Anger will consume you, and you will hurt yourself and many people around you. You will hit people you date, and they will hit you back. You will use your tongue to destroy people. You will envy. You will lust. And you will want to break free, but you won't know how. You will carry a burden over your shoulders that will get heavier and heavier as time passes. But guess what, sweet girl? When you are ready to give up all hope and your marriage (because you will get married even when you had always doubted it); at that moment, you will hear that someone can break you free. And you will take it. You would be a stupid idiot if you don't. But keep calm, because you will take it. BTW, he is they guy on the cross you will make fun of in college. Yep, that Jesus will prove His power to transform your life... ~ Romans 8:1  

@13 years old

YOU ARE COMPLETE. You will struggle with many insecurities. Many. And for the most part, they will always be with you. They are giants you will constantly face. But they are not stronger than you. You have the power to be whole, not because of you, Karla, but because of the One who lives within you. You don't need to live as the world lives. At some point you won't know who you are, but you will find out You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The God who made the world and everything in it knitted you together in your mother's womb, little girl. He knows you like an open book, even from a distance He knows what you are thinking. He knows when you go, and when you come back. You are never out of His sight. He knows the number of your hairs, and that's like amazing because you'll shed hair like a dog. He knows everything you are about to say even before you say it. So what the heck? You have been given an invitation to please God. An invitation given out of grace. No. You do not deserve it. No. You cannot earn it, either. He is just merciful like that. Because He loves you, He will make you whole. And He will put back together all the pieces of your broken heart. And you know what? It will feel like it was never broken. You will remember the pain, of course. But it will be a vague memory ~ Colossians 2:10, Psalm 139, 2 Peter 1:3, Ephesians 2:8

@7 years old

YOU ARE GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER. Oh, little one, this will get you into heated conversations. Do not worry, tough. Little girl, for most of your life - 25 years to be precise- you had no idea that you could actually have a Perfect Father. You always yearned for so many things with your earthly dad. Do not make a big deal. It hurts now. And it will continue to hurt for a while. But one day, you will discover that your earthly dad was never meant to be perfect, because nobody is. Only God is perfect. So only God can be the perfect Father. Some people will question you about whether or not you can be God's daughter... You will believe that God is your Heavenly Father. And no, you won't need proof -scientifically or historically- to take a leap of faith and trust that there is a God who loves you and wants the best for you. You will not need proof because at the moment you needed help the most, God was the only one who gave it to you. You won't have the time to ask God questions like a person who is dying and needs a blood transfusion doesn't have time to ask who the blood donor is. You just need to make it. And you will. You will make it. Yes. Your Daddy in Heaven will answer your questions. Not all, but enough of them. Oh, girl... He will blow your mind. The proof will be there. The documents to back up your faith will be there, even historically. You know what, tough? Nobody, NOBODY can take your story away from you. You will be changed, you will be transformed. You will be a new creation. And your Daddy will get all the credit ~ Romans 8:16, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 1 Corinthians 10:31    

Little Karla N.

YOU ARE AN AMBASSADOR. You are shy now. But you will overcome your shyness. You will detest your English classes, but English will open doors for you into people's lives. At some point in college people will hate you for being obnoxious, and they will be right. You will be obnoxious. You are proud. You are rude. In your comments, in your attitude. Little by little, tough, God will shape you. He will take you places. He will give you the desires of your heart, and will give you a wonderful man who will also love God :) It will be like a funny story God was writing, because you both will be so obnoxious together in college. But God will transform both of your hearts. God will take you away of your country onto another, and yet another. And you will meet people, and you will love them so much. You won't even know how much you will love them. And you cannot and will not change their hearts, but you have to tell them, little Karla. You have to tell them how God wants to give them a new heart, and a new spirit. Tell them the things God has done for you. That's it. Just share your life. Shine your light so that they will praise your Father in Heaven. Why would you do it? Out of love. Just like somebody will do it for you, you will do it for others. You will love them because you are loved. They are loved by the One who loves you. You do it because God is love ~ Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 5:20, Ezekiel 36:26, Matthew 5:16, 1 John 4:19, 1 John 4:8

Emerson

Karla

Wedding

My hot date

Nothing that I have ever done haunts me anymore. I don't wish to go back and change any of my past mistakes. Even my present disappointments do not discourage me. I don't love my sufferings, but I love the One who knows my name and holds my future in His hands.

So at 32, I'm so very thankful for God in my life, and for what He has accomplished in me. He is not finished with me yet. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is the best gift a woman can have. I know he loves me - unconditionally. I know he will never give up on me. I know all he does is because he loves me, and our children. I am also thankful for my silly babies. They are fun to be around - a handful on a regular basis- but I am very fortunate to be their mother.

Risky business

Pool of balls

Libby remembered my birthday! Mostly because she knew the 18th was the day we told her we'd make the pie, but she remembered. Emerson told me today at breakfast that last night I looked very pretty, and that I could be a model - by Indian standards. WTH!! What is that supposed to mean? Anyway, he has made sambar twice in a row, and it tastes great, so... I think I really looked pretty :)

32 years old

Today we are making the apple pie for the three little kittens, so we'll see how it goes...

Christmas: यीशु Yīśu عیسی Eesa இயேசு Iyēcu

I used to have a friend who hated Facebook. Maybe not Facebook. It was more like she hated all the people on Facebook who pretended to have perfect little lives. As she read their statuses, she could not believe they were so freaking happy. Smiling here at restaurants. CLICK. Posting photos of your yummy food every single meal. CLICK. Showing off things they had just bought, and quoting "Feeling blessed". 

WHAT THE HELL is wrong with people?, she would ask me. Then again, you also had the ones who complain about every single thing that happened in their lives. And we would talk about all this as we spent time together trying to make sense of our own lives. Humanly speaking it made her feel crappy about her life to see other people being that happy. I knew it wasn't right, of course, but knowing people's sufferings sometimes made me feel better about my own life, too.

The truth is that nobody is perfect. Nobody can be Facebook happy ALL the time. 

Putting up Christmas tree

So I was just wondering on our way back from the hospital if I have made people feel miserable about their lives when I talk about how freaking happy I might be, or if I have actually made them feel better when they look at my struggles. Not that it is under my control. I cannot make them happy or unhappy. It's their choice, but you get the idea.

Then I realized that my struggles might be silly-non sense to people with different perspectives. But even my father-in-law told Emerson the other day that something was going on with me. He was constantly asking Emerson if I was doing okay. He noticed that every time I wrote a post on the blog there was something I was not saying.

My father-in-law! Of all people! And I mean that as a compliment, because he is, well... a man. I didn't think he could read under the lines. If you stick with me and read this, I assure you, there is a point to be made. If not, then just look at my perfect little life through the photos. It is THE LONGEST post I have ever written. So take breaks or do what you need to do.

Here it is, people. Prepare to be entertained with my deal of struggles, because the blog is about to get real. I cannot take it anymore. 

Learning about lights

THE FACTS

I’m having such a difficult time adapting to this culture in so many ways, and in so many levels... I am trying to understand why it is that they do the things they do. I think I had already mentioned it before, but there is an abysm between our understanding. It is a cultural thing. I know it. Not with everybody, I guess. But mostly, yes, with the majority.

What it is common sense to me, it is unknown here or unheard of. For example, a friend of mine (who is very familiar with the Indian culture) very graciously explained to me that the words please and thank you do not exist in Tamil. People kind of expect things from you. So that translates in a lot of frustration for me, but also for Libby and Enzo. Libby is struggling with these things at school. She wants people to treat her as I am teaching her to treat them, but life is not fair. So at the playground, I am the one teaching her to give turns to other children, but she still feels it is unfair. And it is.

Almost ready

I don't think this is even an India-issue, you know. Courtesy -for me- should be universal. This may happen everywhere in the world. But boys push Libby at the playground without care, and when I asked them gently to be gentlemen, that word does not even ring a bell. Maybe it is just me. I am still giving everybody the benefit of the doubt.

A lady -a grandma- took Libby off the swing without asking Libby or me. I was right across. The grandchild was standing next to the grandma, and she pointed to the swing. I didn’t make anything of it. Next thing I see, the lady stops the swing, puts Libby down, and puts her grandchild on. I looked at the grandma, and said nothing. Nothing came out of my mouth. Nothing. I am really slow to speak in these situations. I don’t think I think fast enough to know what to say. I honestly believe it is a blessing because whatever words would come out wouldn’t be pretty. 

Children from other families yell at me, expecting me to push them on the swing. I asked a boy to politely say please to me, but he refused. He literally ordered me to push him. I am sorry, but I just couldn't push him. I just could not. Other mom (not his mom), giving me the look, came and pushed him.  

Nativity Scene

Anyway, when my children disobey, or go against the rules we have set for them, I think some moms make fun of me at school. When I make my children apologize or say please, or thank you, or just the general way I deal with them, I just can tell I am being made fun of. Some moms always talk in Tamil about me. I know it for a fact because they even mention my name. Tamilians can roll their tongues so beautifully that the R in Karla sounds Mexican. Like FERROCARRIL kind of R. And the faces, and the giggles, and the whispers... it's not playful, harmless talk. I think they judge me. 

I am a woman. I have done it. I just know. 

Everything takes five times the time it is supposed to take. Processes are inefficient. I had to meet with seven people to be able to get a vaccine. Seven different people! Dragging a process over a month to get a vaccine. Then Libby gets a fever in the middle of the night, stomach pain, vomit. Rush her to the hospital. ER doctor prescribes medicine for the pain, and then tells me the pharmacy is short on that one right now. Oh, great...

My computer broke, and so my children -poor them- were only able to use the tablet and my cellphone. Internet connection sucks... So here I am whining about how I should handle myself and my children at the playground, and my first world problems...

Shopping

THE REAL STRUGGLE IN MY SOUL

Children died two days ago over a Taliban attack on a school in Pakistan. Islam calls itself the true religion, but then you see these things happening. I would never become a Muslim based on this. 

Then you see Christians in India telling other people they are going to hell if they don't follow Jesus, and calling people demons. Missionaries offering people money if they convert to Christianity. Christians telling other people they can do whatever the hell they want because Jesus saves them. I cannot blame people for not wanting to be Christian. I wouldn't want to be one. 

Hinduism has its share of things, also. Once you are not disturbed in mind when there is happiness, and you have no attachments, and are free from anger and fear, then you are free (Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2 Verse 56). You know, free to go to Krishna. No more reincarnations. I wouldn't want to follow Hinduism as a way of living based on this, either. Could you imagine? I cannot even get this life straight... the cycle of death and rebirth can just go on and on and on forever. You might never achieve perfection. I know I wouldn't. No matter how hard I try, my karma from past lives will always be hunting me. 

Already having fun

Get this, tough. I am not going to defend Christianity AT ALL. Maybe you are even gonna love this post. Who knows? Whoever reads it... Specially my children when they grow up. I am writing with them in mind. 

Right now I am mad at every single thing a fellow Christian can tell me. I am mad at the world, at myself, the system, this place - you name it. I am hating going to church, which is why we haven't gone. And I blame Emerson (most of the time) because he has gone thru this longer than I have. But deep inside, I feel the same way. I do not want to go to church. And if I hear one more person say "Praise the Lord for this awesome weather", I am going to punch them in the face! 

This is very recent in my book. All these mixed feelings about Jesus, Krishna, and Muhammad are very, very recent for me. It's kinda weird because exactly one year ago I was talking about the same things on Christmas 2013. Read the bold letters addressed to my children. Same struggles, different perspective. All this used to be non-sense for me, you know. I was isolated in my own safe Christian bubble. Everywhere I looked, I had always been surrounded by wonderful Christian people. People who were hardcore followers of Christ. But here, in Chennai, I don't see many. 

Everybody's night nights

I am not saying there are not many. All I am saying is that in the little Christian bubble I've found here, I have been given a funny look when I tell them about my struggles, my questions, and my personal fights. Mainly, they gave me a "Tsk, tsk" attitude when I pondered the fact that I am hanging out with two friends that I hold dearly in my heart. Their faiths are different than mine. It was not about the friends, obviously. Anybody can have friends. The look came when  I told them that for the first time in seven years, I could no longer answer to the following question: Is Jesus really the Only Son of the One and Only True God? 

My fellow Christians looked at me like I had told them I just killed a man. 

Making Halal Gum Drops

Libby and Enzo,

A year ago you didn't have much to choose from. Libby, you don't like idlis. You want oatmeal with honey every morning. Every morning. 

Libby, we are struggling with you so much... You yell, you scream. You have so much anger and frustration inside you. I don't know what the hell we are doing wrong. Your teacher says you are a perfect little girl, tough. Sathya ma'am cannot believe you throw yourself to the floor every single time you are not getting your way lately. She refuses to believe that sweet Karla throws temper tantrums on the floor at Nilgris on a regular basis. You are so sweet, kind, and respectful at school. You are actually a role model for everybody at your class. They ask the other children to be more like you, saying please, and thank you. Always. 

NICE

The only thing you have to work on is interacting with people. You are not comfortable in big groups, and you refused to cooperate in the Diwali festivities. You did not want your photo taken for the big cameras. Good job for standing up for yourself and saying NO when you don't feel comfortable! I won't ask you to change. You have your dad's personality. That's you. And I love you. Yes, you have to hang out with people, but I won't change you. You will learn to interact. Your dad is still alive. You will survive :)

You are rocking at school, tough. I know you would. Your academics will always be the least of my concerns, believe me. There is more to life than getting a freaking A+ all the time.

Making ginger cookies

Your dad and I are talking and talking all the time lately about your behavior. Are we being too strict with you? Are we exasperating you? Are we asking for perfection? Are we to give in with your requests? It's not like you don't have a point... But your blood boils inside you. You scream to the top of your lungs, you hit me sometimes, and you just get yourself so worked up that you throw up. All over you not getting your way. And we are the parents. We make the rules. If we say no, it means no. 

We question whether or not we are doing this parenting thing the way God wants us to do it. You are so sweet... You are. And you can be mean, and rude, too. You called me fat the other day, and you really hurt my feelings. It's not like you called me fat, and giggled. No. You looked at my face, and like a mean girl in your expression, you said, "Mommy, you are fat! You are so fat!" 

Carolinal 

You also told your Daddy you didn't like spending time with him. You have told me you don't like it when we give you timeouts. We don't like it, either. Just so you know. You know when you do right and when you do wrong. You know the difference now. And it breaks my heart to see you choosing wrong over and over lately. And you even enjoy it...

But we love you. As your parents, we refuse to let this get in between us. As you were exhausted from all the crying, and almost falling asleep, I told you that this is where faith becomes practical. That all the things I've said about Jesus and God are personal. That no matter what you do, and no matter what you say, and no matter how you behave, we will always be here for you. Because we love you the way we do because that is how God loves us. That's how He loves you. 

Akschu and Ramajee Amma

Enzo, my boy, you still hit Sissy sometimes when you are upset, and your bottom keeps on paying the consequences of your choices. A man of God should never hit a woman. You also struggle with temper tantrums and your crying is so high pitched, I don't even bother anymore. For all I know, neighbors might think I abuse you, because you cry for almost every single thing. Specially taking a shower. And you scream when you get upset. And you tell me NO for almost everything I request from you. 

But you are such a sweet boy also. You are not interested at all in shapes, or letters or reading. Somehow your Sissy is managing to teach you. I don't try anymore because you always say no. You love watching videos about cars, and planes and trains going super fast. You watch the video of the train falling down on Back to the Future. And you like cheese. And you want idlis every morning, and chocolate milk. You are a gentleman. You are polite, so polite for a two year old. You care for Sissy when she is upset. You come into our bedroom in the middle of the night on a regular basis, and we love having you with us.

Enzo and Nikil

You love your Daddy because he is so silly. You like coloring with crayons, and using the paints, and you always get so dirty. 

We love you, Enzo, and we are so proud of the boy you are becoming. God is working in your life in ways you cannot even imagine.

Guys, last year I told you you didn't have to follow Jesus just because I do. You really don't. That's not even real, you know. You are not a Christian because you were born in a Christian family. Following Jesus is a choice. And I myself got pretty confused in this journey just recently. 

Know that Mommy has gone through it, and I will explain what happened here. I hope it will help you to deal with these issues in your lives if you ever find yourselves in the midst of something like this. If you never question what you believe, then you are blindly following. I don't want that for you. 

Opening gifts!!

Last year I told you I wanted to be loved, to be cherished, to be forgiven for the things I know I do wrong. I still don't feel like reincarnating. But Auntie Sugirda believes in that. She has organized her life based on what she believes to be the truth. And she has her struggles. Struggles that she has shared with me. And I love my friend, you, guys. 

Last year, Hinduism was just one more non-sense religion: Just be, be free. Many gods, but all submitting to Krishna. There are so many things in their Holy Book that still just don't make sense to me. 

But this year, Hinduism has a face. Many faces, actually. Sugirda's face. And Niko's, Akshu's, Kannadasan's, and Meena's to name a few. 

And that's a game changer, you, guys.

Sugirda, Niko and Akshu

Last year, Islam was another religion that I didn't buy into. Not with all the violence, and the verses in Quran about Jews being apes, and the Christians pretty much being misled. I just cannot understand how Allah would let His Word being corrupted. Either Allah is not that powerful to protect His Word, or Quran has an error, or Jesus was telling the truth. But there is no argument to be made there since the Bible has been corrupted according to Islam. 

Then again, I close my eyes and see Faiza's face. And Irfan's, Daanu's, Qareena's and Ayerah's. And I cannot begin to tell you how funny they are, and how down to earth they seem to be. And how kind Irfan is with you, Enzo. And how many times Faiza tells me to stop giving you oatmeal every single day or else... These people are not perfect, I bet. But they are not terrorists. 

Faiza

All I have always wanted to be offered is hope with my struggles. And following Jesus for seven years has given me that hope. Not the people, not the pastor. God has given me hope through Jesus. 

But as I get to know these sweet people, I began to wonder, What the heck do they even believe? How do I relate to them? What do I talk to them about? Do we have something in common at least? Or we don't have anything at all?  What if what I believe is not true? Is Jesus who He said He is? 

Making apple muffins for breakfast

These books on Hinduism that I began reading addressed Jesus as a guru, but they said He never claimed to be God. But He did. I know He did, because I have read it in the Bible. So then, what the heck? For them it doesn't even matter because they will get to god at some point or another. Then I read about Islam. They believe in Jesus as a messenger from Allah. They acknowledge Him as a true prophet of God along with Moses. But the Bible states Jesus regarded himself grater than Moses, and that Jesus even claimed to exist before Moses, and even Abraham... So then, what the heck, again?  No matter what the Bible says, I'm still screwed, because according to them, the Bible has been corrupted. 

I  have a lot going on in my plate beginning with taking care of you, you know... But then I also started having questions about what I believed. I had doubts. But I still wanted hope. And I still want love. Acceptance. Forgiveness. To be loved. For real.

Daanu and Libby

Then, get this, you, guys. The people who are supposed to side with me on this, on my struggles, on my questions, on my failures, on my shortcomings... The people who share my faith, and my beliefs... they look at me funny. They look at me like I have no idea what I am talking about. They cannot relate. They cannot relate maybe because they have never questioned Jesus' divinity, or maybe because they have always been Christians. Their parents are Christians, and their grandparents, and their great-grandparents. 

My friends, I felt like saying, I am a first generation follower of Jesus. My husband, too. So excuse our stupidity. So what? God has no grandchildren. It doesn't matter if your mom or dad follow Jesus, Jesus wants you to make the decision for yourself. 

Libby's gift :)

Still, I tell them about my struggles, and how I am dealing with them, and you know what they did? They gave me answers by The Book. 

Do you think I came to India wishing for this? Do you think I don't beat myself over and over every freaking day about the fact that I am doubting the very roots of my faith? That I am not trying hard to make sense of this all? And even if I make sense of it, it doesn't even make sense at all? I don't want answers... I want you to listen. I want you to tell me that somehow, God would meet my needs if He is who He says He is... But no. You cannot tell me that. You gave me a perfect Bible verse. You have theology, and you gave me the perfect talk on how to listen to God, and how to listen for His will in my life. Don't you think I know that? I mean, for the past seven years I've been reading the same book you are reading... Can't you relate to me? Can't you understand what I am going through? Can't you show me how imperfect you are, just like I am showing you how imperfect I am? Because there is no freaking way that you are Facebook perfect! 

Man, no wonder why people don't like them - us. Seriously, it's a no brainer. 

Good lollipop!!

And you know what, guys? I have done the same things to other people before. I am as guilty as them. I haven't loved people like Jesus said I should love them. Mommy has hurt people's feelings, too. Mommy has hurt you deeply, I am sure. I try to be my best, Nani, Papu... But I'm imperfect.

So as much as it hurt, my boy and my girl, I literally thought, "[F***] this. I'm flying solo." 

So one day, I pray... and this is in the middle of the day with you fighting almost all the time. I asked God to show me whatever it was I had to see. I told Him I did believe there was only One True God. I asked Him to guide me, to make my faith strong again. What is it that I needed to do, or believe, or accomplish? I believed that if He was that powerful, then He would come to my rescue. He would meet my needs, whatever they were, because to be honest, I didn't even know what the struggle was. 

Celina

I knew about God. I knew about Jesus. But was Jesus my Savior? I doubted His deity. I did. And I felt awful. I cried nonstop for like, three days. Libby, you even asked what was wrong with me. And all I could say was that I was very sad. You obviously asked why. And I said I was sad because of Jesus. What else could I have told you? It's not like I was gonna explain to you all these things in 2 minutes. You smiled. And you hugged me so hard, that I knew this was gonna take a while to figure out. But I never felt afraid. Whatever it was that I was after, God would be there. 

So literally, I dived into these two books. The Quran, and the Gita. There were so many contrasting things between each other and also with the Bible. I didn't even want to read the Bible. I just thought I had read enough of it. I was not going to be biased. I was still sad for my own struggles and my own questions, but somehow I ended up putting those aside, and was able to see things differently. Somehow in the middle of all this non-sense, I remember I heard once and church that faith is like a muscle. Trials and situations like the ones I was facing are the things God sometimes uses to stretch our faith muscle, and make it grow. 

Pondicherry, 2014

Yeah... Why now? Why like this? I don't know... But faith has to be tested. Everybody will believe in something if you give them total assurance. But God is not pleased if you don't trust Him completely. Anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Plus, practically speaking, He can do whatever the heck He wants, right? He is God. 

I won't write about all I found in Quran, Gita and the Bible. This struggle of mine was way beyond religion. Yes, I had to answer the original question "Was Jesus my Savior? "

But through it all, there was something else in my mind and in my heart that I  just couldn't put together. Then I heard Andy Stanley...

I will, to the best of my ability, try to shorten his teachings so that you can see what was my aha-moment through all this Krishna, Jesus, Allah non-sense. 

Selfie on Christmas Eve, 2014

"There are two categories of people who’ve influenced your life profoundly. Two categories of people who have made you the father you are today or the wife that you are today. Two categories of people who have set you up for success or failure in your personal relationships. 

And what's interesting about these two categories of people is they did not influence you because of what they believed. They might have not even being Christian, or even religious at all. The two categories of people that have to do more with who you are, are those who have hurt you, and those who have loved you. Those who have hurt you deeply, and those who have loved you profoundly.

THE WAY YOU HAVE BEEN TREATED

 HAS MORE TO DO WITH WHO YOU ARE 

THAN WHAT YOU BELIEVE

Sudha

This is what it is so important that we who say are followers of Jesus get this right. Because if we would just simply did what Jesus did, instead of arguing about what He said, the world would be a better place".

I think this changed completely the focus of my entire struggle, you, guys. Because Jesus never said, "Believe correctly. By this, people will know that you are my followers, if you believe correctly".

Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you. By this, everybody will know that you are my followers. If you love one another".

Giving gifts to Ramia and Pachamma

"And here’s the problem with loving the way that Jesus loved… When you open the Bible and you see at the way Jesus loved,  it is like, this call to follow him is a little bit terrifying.

When you look at the way Jesus loved, there is a tension there. And it’s a tension that to some extent all of us want to resolve… But when you open the New Testament, you see that the way Jesus loved was inconsistent. At times you had to say, ‘Okay, that’s just unfair’.  At times Jesus seems to be forgiving, and at times He seems to hold everybody accountable. At times He is harsh, and at times he is kind. At times He points out sin, and at times it’s like he completely ignores it. 

Getting pumped for Christmas photo

Best of the best, worst of the worst can be in Paradise. That tension, you try to resolve it… you lose something. Jesus makes everybody uncomfortable. He looks at a woman caught in adultery, and does not condemn her. He tells her, ‘I don’t condemn you. Just go, and leave your life of sin’  

— EVERYBODY: Jesus, Which one is it? I don’t condemn you or you are a sinner? 

— JESUS: Yes. I don’t condemn you. Now go, and leave your life of sin. 

Did Jesus have to bring the sin part? Yes. Then how can Jesus tell her she is not condemned? Because that’s how Jesus loved… Jesus was the embodiment of Grace and Truth. 

If you want to know what Jesus meant by what Jesus said, you watch what Jesus did. 

YOU WATCH HOW JESUS LOVED

Friends

You know how He loved me, you, guys? How He loved you? 

How He loved everybody in this world?

Jesus called sin sin, and then He paid for it. And having paid for it, He declared, ‘I don’t condemn you.’ And then He says to all of us, ‘Now that I have paid for it, leave your life of sin. And if you don’t leave it, I LOVE YOU. And if you can’t, I LOVE YOU. And if the woundedness of your own sin has left you to the place that you are not even sure you will ever be able to walk away from the complexity of your sin, I LOVE YOU. And if someone has sinned against you, and has sent you into a spiral of self-destructive behavior, that you are not even sure you’ll ever recover from it, I LOVE YOU. And the truth is you are a sinner, but the grace is I don’t condemn you. And no one will ever love you more. And I could not love you anymore myself.’

 Neelankarai's Sasquatch

I want this love. I want this Savior. And I consider it it pure joy, guys, that I am able to love others with the same love that was given to me for FREE. 

Merry Christmas :)

The Journey so far :)

Christmas 2014, Tryst Café