Don't know why, but felt like getting up from the bed, and began writing this post about my birthday. Just had that feeling of really thinking what I have done with my life these 32 years...
For the most part, I've been a good person. What I mean is I haven't killed anyone (who can defend himself anyway). I've killed tons of insects and lizards since coming to India, tough. But I've been good. Being good, tough, hasn't translated into happiness at any point. My life sucked for a very long time. I just didn't know it sucked. And being good is not a guarantee that life will smile back at you, either. Shit happens all the time. So good doesn't come back at you all the time. The truth is I've been bad, too.
I'm 32 today. I am alive, and I am happy to be. I think I am right where I am supposed to be, even if sometimes I don't like it. I'm hating it here, and complaining a lot about the place lately - according to Emerson. He said I'm getting to the six-month mark of homesickness. I do miss home. But I am here. And I cannot say I love the place, but I love the people. And I really like the food :)
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| My sister, and my Panzón |
As I was laying down in bed, I just thought about myself as a child. Don't know why. Lately I'm thinking about myself as a child. Probably because I see Enzo and Libby and see their lives, and how they react to the things I say, and the things I do. I see them jumping on Daddy's back, and I see how much they love Emerson, and how much they respect him. You know, they have a healthy fear of Daddy. And I love watching how they love him.
So if I could go back in time, and be placed as a friend of my family in contact with myself as a child... which is totally weird, because I imagine myself as the adult Karla knowing it is me, but the young Karla doesn't know it's me - like in a movie.
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| Taking care of my dollie ;) |
If I were there I would tell myself many things over a period of time specially from ages 9-17... I would tell young Karla:
YOU ARE LOVED. Maybe not like you yearn to be loved right now. You don't even know what love is right now. You are so little. But you need love. You are desperate for it. And you will make many mistakes as you grow up looking for love. You will have sex with a bunch of guys trying to find someone who loves you for who you are. But you are loved, my sweet little Karla. God loves you. And that Truth will change your life forever ~ 1 John 3:1, 1 John 4:16
YOU ARE ACCEPTED. You don't have to pretend you are something you are not. You don't have to do things people are doing, and you don't have to beg for people to like you. The One who made the Heavens and the Earth will look upon you, and will offer you real hope. Yourself is enough. I know, little one, that you will always struggle with feelings of not being good enough, but the One True God, the Creator of every single cloud you see will do whatever He can to make Himself found by you. And you will need Him so much... You will find Him when you least expect it. You can be who you are because He loves you. Stop trying to be perfect. God loves you just like you are ~ Ephesians 1:6
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| Smiling |
YOU ARE FORGIVEN. You may feel guilty over stealing your neighbor's toy as a 9 year-old. But at 18 you will end up the life of a baby inside you. You will carry that guilt for seven years in total silence. And nobody will ever see the scars that decision left within your soul. But God sees them. And He will heal them, Sweetheart. He will make something new, something completely new out of that awful situation. Because of His amazing grace He will give you hope and a future. He will forgive you because He is the Only One who can forgive you. And by golly, you will pour your life into your babies because you know that you have been given the opportunity to be a mother - twice- just because God is that merciful ~ Colossians 1:14, Jeremiah 29:11
YOU ARE FREE. You don't know this, but you are a slave. A slave to your bad choices. You will be a slave to alcohol. And tobacco. And sex. And anger. Anger will consume you, and you will hurt yourself and many people around you. You will hit people you date, and they will hit you back. You will use your tongue to destroy people. You will envy. You will lust. And you will want to break free, but you won't know how. You will carry a burden over your shoulders that will get heavier and heavier as time passes. But guess what, sweet girl? When you are ready to give up all hope and your marriage (because you will get married even when you had always doubted it); at that moment, you will hear that someone can break you free. And you will take it. You would be a stupid idiot if you don't. But keep calm, because you will take it. BTW, he is they guy on the cross you will make fun of in college. Yep, that Jesus will prove His power to transform your life... ~ Romans 8:1
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| @13 years old |
YOU ARE COMPLETE. You will struggle with many insecurities. Many. And for the most part, they will always be with you. They are giants you will constantly face. But they are not stronger than you. You have the power to be whole, not because of you, Karla, but because of the One who lives within you. You don't need to live as the world lives. At some point you won't know who you are, but you will find out You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The God who made the world and everything in it knitted you together in your mother's womb, little girl. He knows you like an open book, even from a distance He knows what you are thinking. He knows when you go, and when you come back. You are never out of His sight. He knows the number of your hairs, and that's like amazing because you'll shed hair like a dog. He knows everything you are about to say even before you say it. So what the heck? You have been given an invitation to please God. An invitation given out of grace. No. You do not deserve it. No. You cannot earn it, either. He is just merciful like that. Because He loves you, He will make you whole. And He will put back together all the pieces of your broken heart. And you know what? It will feel like it was never broken. You will remember the pain, of course. But it will be a vague memory ~ Colossians 2:10, Psalm 139, 2 Peter 1:3, Ephesians 2:8
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| @7 years old |
YOU ARE GOD'S OWN DAUGHTER. Oh, little one, this will get you into heated conversations. Do not worry, tough. Little girl, for most of your life - 25 years to be precise- you had no idea that you could actually have a Perfect Father. You always yearned for so many things with your earthly dad. Do not make a big deal. It hurts now. And it will continue to hurt for a while. But one day, you will discover that your earthly dad was never meant to be perfect, because nobody is. Only God is perfect. So only God can be the perfect Father. Some people will question you about whether or not you can be God's daughter... You will believe that God is your Heavenly Father. And no, you won't need proof -scientifically or historically- to take a leap of faith and trust that there is a God who loves you and wants the best for you. You will not need proof because at the moment you needed help the most, God was the only one who gave it to you. You won't have the time to ask God questions like a person who is dying and needs a blood transfusion doesn't have time to ask who the blood donor is. You just need to make it. And you will. You will make it. Yes. Your Daddy in Heaven will answer your questions. Not all, but enough of them. Oh, girl... He will blow your mind. The proof will be there. The documents to back up your faith will be there, even historically. You know what, tough? Nobody, NOBODY can take your story away from you. You will be changed, you will be transformed. You will be a new creation. And your Daddy will get all the credit ~ Romans 8:16, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 1 Corinthians 10:31
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| Little Karla N. |
YOU ARE AN AMBASSADOR. You are shy now. But you will overcome your shyness. You will detest your English classes, but English will open doors for you into people's lives. At some point in college people will hate you for being obnoxious, and they will be right. You will be obnoxious. You are proud. You are rude. In your comments, in your attitude. Little by little, tough, God will shape you. He will take you places. He will give you the desires of your heart, and will give you a wonderful man who will also love God :) It will be like a funny story God was writing, because you both will be so obnoxious together in college. But God will transform both of your hearts. God will take you away of your country onto another, and yet another. And you will meet people, and you will love them so much. You won't even know how much you will love them. And you cannot and will not change their hearts, but you have to tell them, little Karla. You have to tell them how God wants to give them a new heart, and a new spirit. Tell them the things God has done for you. That's it. Just share your life. Shine your light so that they will praise your Father in Heaven. Why would you do it? Out of love. Just like somebody will do it for you, you will do it for others. You will love them because you are loved. They are loved by the One who loves you. You do it because God is love ~ Psalm 37:4, 2 Corinthians 5:20, Ezekiel 36:26, Matthew 5:16, 1 John 4:19, 1 John 4:8
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| Emerson |
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| Karla |
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| Wedding |
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| My hot date |
Nothing that I have ever done haunts me anymore. I don't wish to go back and change any of my past mistakes. Even my present disappointments do not discourage me. I don't love my sufferings, but I love the One who knows my name and holds my future in His hands.
So at 32, I'm so very thankful for God in my life, and for what He has accomplished in me. He is not finished with me yet. I am so very thankful for my husband. He is the best gift a woman can have. I know he loves me - unconditionally. I know he will never give up on me. I know all he does is because he loves me, and our children. I am also thankful for my silly babies. They are fun to be around - a handful on a regular basis- but I am very fortunate to be their mother.
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| Risky business |
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| Pool of balls |
Libby remembered my birthday! Mostly because she knew the 18th was the day we told her we'd make the pie, but she remembered. Emerson told me today at breakfast that last night I looked very pretty, and that I could be a model - by Indian standards. WTH!! What is that supposed to mean? Anyway, he has made sambar twice in a row, and it tastes great, so... I think I really looked pretty :)
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| 32 years old |
Today we are making the apple pie for the three little kittens, so we'll see how it goes...
