Libby's Fun Run 2016

Libby was raising some money for her school. It was fun to see her run, and being excited about running as many laps as she could. She did 40. Also, my mom bought Libby bought Libby a beautiful princess dress :)

LIBBY RUNNING

Libby with Mrs. Hopper

Enzo's Birthday 2016

Enzo turned four!!

We had a party at McDonalds. Best idea I've ever had. LOL!! It was so easy to just go, eat, let the children play and sing Happy Birthday to Enzo. Then, you just leave. Of course, then Emerson had to pay - that was not fun for him. But he did say that he will gladly pay again becasue it was worth it.

Enzo is a people person. He likes being surrounded by his friends. He craves approval - which I believe is one of his weaknesses - just like me. I'm so happy that now I have the tools to help him overcome that fear of man and to show him that really the One who made him is the only One worthy of all Enzo's praise :) That being said, he is such a sweet boy, and people do like talking to him. He is very easy to hang out with, so I wouldn't doubt for a moment that he will have lots of friends. 

It was Enzo's first actual birthday party, and he was SOOO excited. You can see his sweet face. The party was after his actual birthday. But on the actual day, I took him to eat a cupcake. A lady saw us praying and she came to us, and said it was really sweet and gave him money. 

Also, all the ladies from the coffee shop were so excited that they sang Happy Birthday to him :)

Enzo,

You already know this, but you are my gift from God. I have thanked Him for you always, but specially this last year. It has been so difficult being your Mommy. You and I have so many things in common, my sweet boy. You are so passionate about your feelings, so cold or so hot. So angry you explode, or so sad that you cry. This last year, we have faced so many struggles you and I... It has been so challenging to learn to deal with our emotions instead of letting them control us, but I think we have made great progress in that area, and our relationship has improved. I truly believe YOU are God's tool in molding me into the image of His Son. I thanked my God becasue being your Mommy has tested me to the max, and has produced in me a deep perseverance and a deep patience that I did not have before. I thank you for that :)

I love you, Son.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ENZO!

Camping Trips 2016

Colorado 2016

This trip was really neat. We drove all the way there, and stayed in different parks on the way - also in the car becasue it was too late to set up the tent (we had to leave the next morning).

Also it was a trip that brought a lot of joy to my heart becasue we got to see friends from Ohio after four years. The children had a lot of fun.

We visited the Stanley Hotel, went to Rocky Mountain National Park, and stayed in a cabin in Estes Park. That cabin and that hot shower felt amazing after four days without a shower. Colorado parks do not have showers like Texas parks. Emerson hiked Mount Elbert with Mia, and for the first time in my life, I actually saw the beauty of camping when I saw some eggs being cooked on the cast iron skillet. It was weird. I just thought it looked beautiful.

We also rode a train, and rescued a puppy. 

Caprock Canyon State Park & Palo Duro State Park 2016

This Thanksgiving as it is tradition we wanted to camp (and we did). We just fell short of Thanksgiving becasue it was going to be very cold. It reminded us of three years ago (we went to the same place) and it was as cold. The children were sick to begin with, and Enzo was crying unstoppably as a on year-old. Anyway, we saw bisons, we took a very short hike with the three dogs and the two children (LOL!), and I bought my mugs!!

I began collecting mugs of every campsite I've visited. So far I have four. I've never been involved in any collecting activity. I seriously thought it was a waste time and money BUT... as of last year I have come along way in my counseling and I actually realized that I like coffee. I know, it might sound silly, but it is what it is. 

I took on camping as a family activity that all of us would enjoy, and that would make memories for everyone - but not really loving it, you know? Most of my life I have gone with the flow not really knowing what I like or dislike, I just mirror people. But when we went to Colorado, the campsite was so beautiful, and we coked these eggs on the cast iron skillet. I was able to see the the egg-white bubble over the bacon fat, and it just dawn on me that I was so blessed. I don't know. At THAT moment, I thought, "I do like camping. I just began enjoying camping". It was almost like a breakthrough. LOL!

So I wanted to remember every place I've gone camping, and since I drink coffee every morning, it made sense. I do look at my mug and memories of that place come back :)

I definitely didn't enjoy camping with three dogs in the cold, but that's another story. Libby and Enzo enjoyed playing card games, and she definitely  cries when she loses or when we do not let her cheat.

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving 2016

 Bottom line... time flies!

2013

2016

After we came back, we spent Thanksgiving 2016 with our friends from church :)

Dotsons and Nunez

My first triathlon

My first triathlon has been one of the toughest and most fun experiences in my life. It taught me how not to quit, and how to stop measuring myself against others, and how to... just BE and ENJOY.

I think I talked in my last post about my counseling, and stuff like that. I'm making progress according to my counselor. I feel I am making progress. One of the issues that God has been working in my heart is that of comparing myself to others. I just couldn't figure out why it is that I did it. I'm learning to say NO, and breaking some idols. You know, like pleasing people. I'm learning about my behaviors, and where they come from. My parenting, my shame, and how all this has affected my relationship with my husband and my children. I'm not stuffing my feelings anymore, so that has been great for the most part. 

The triathlon story actually began a long time ago, when I felt overwhelmed with life, and family, and myself. I always quit when I feel threatened. I always feel that I cannot do things like others do. I always compare myself to others. I push back and give up. Comparing myself to others has been a very awful game, because I end up being extremely proud putting others down to puff myself up OR I end up having a pity party because I'm the scum of the earth. Both behaviors are wrong. And it's like I know it... It's not healthy. So I've been stuck figuring out where it all comes from.

I'll pretend one of those is me, but I don't think so

So anyways... I was comparing myself to a friend, and how wonderful she was at swimming. I felt bad - that I was bad. I've never swum before, but still I felt terrible. I ended up joining a Master's Swim Class at the YMCA, and little by little, watching YouTube videos I taught myself to swim - wrongly of course. LOL!  With little tweaks here and there from my coaches on deck, and the support of my friends at the pool, I began swimming faster - whatever fast is for me - and swimming became easier. I was getting better and fitter. And I began to love swimming. It started as a I HAVE TO PROVE MYSELF I CAN DO THIS THING, but it became a I LOVE THIS THING.  This in itself is super weird because I have never done anything for the sake of JOY. 

I used to run because I HAD to exercise, but not because I loved running. I have run half marathons and I always try to beat some times, but only for the sake of being my best, as if being better than gave me relief. That has been my life for quite a while. And I won't bore you to death, but I am sure where all this is coming from, and I'm going back to my childhood - almost always. DUH! 

So I decided NOT to do a triathlon with this friend because I was afraid, and I had to stuff that feeling. I felt pushed into it, and I fought back - that's all I've ever done. Once I loved swimming, of course I wanted to swim in open water! It had to be so relaxing, right? Uh... NOPE! So one day, asking God whether or not to sign up for the triathlon, it was very confusing... I just knew I wanted to swim, but the same thing happened... Would I be able to swim in open water? What if I can't do this? What if I can't do that? Blah, blah... 

This is my face before I found out my babies where going to see my swim start

And I told God, "You know what? It would be pretty helpful if only you could tell me YES, DO IT or NO, DO NOT DO IT. I guess it is my choice. But today I am going to swim for you and you only. Because I feel really great that I can swim. And I thank you for that. I'll do my best today at my class, and then I'll choose what to do" 

And that day I swam my first mile.!!!

And I knew that God loved watching me doing things because I enjoyed them, not because I had to show Him or anybody anything. And then, long story short, I fixed my bike, because I cannot seem to enjoy riding that bike. And I spent almost all my savings preparing for this race. LOL! Then I hurt my wrist, and stopped my training for about a month. Then we went to Colorado on vacation, and I only rode the bike two more times after that. I really just wanted to swim and not die. 

The open water swim practice was awful!!! I couldn't even swim 50 yd. I had to lie on my back, and I was so exhausted. I had to swim back to shore. Once there, all these feelings of inadequacy came back. I thought I was good at swimming, right? I could swim 2000 yd. at the pool, so what was happening? Panic was happening. And then I talked myself into swimming again. I was about to quit, but I heard my own voice condemning myself. And my motivation was basically money. LOL!

"You have made it this far. You have spent all this money. You have put all these hours into that swimming class. For what, to quit? You are afraid, this is not physical, this is in your freaking mind. This is so you... to quit. No, I cannot quit this time. I already paid for this race. God, I'm gonna do this. I don't want to drown."

Oh, you're here!!

And then I swam the course... At some point I just had to keep breathing, and repeating myself, "Just breathe, just breathe". THAT help me mentally for the race yesterday. I did lie on my back for some five seconds, and then I remembered there was another wave coming after me, so I kept on swimming. I passed some people, and I freaked out because I was not able to see the second buoy. I asked a kayak. People grabbed my ankles, like literally held on to my feet. I had no idea if that was them trying to tell me to move away. I think that is etiquette at the pool, but I was like, "You wanna pass me, pass me. I'm not moving away." I actually swam faster trying to break away from them holding on to my legs. 

Other people held on to my arms, or pushed me because I was swimming very close to them. As much as I tried to follow my coaches' advice of not sighting too much, I had to do it because I could constantly feel bubbles of people I was about to pass. And I had to move sideways as to not swim over them or pay the price of being kicked in the face. Maybe for my next one I'll try to swim at the front of my wave, or in the middle, but not all the way to the back. 

The ghost of comparing myself to others was ever present with me. Not on the swim, though. When I was swimming, I was like in another world. And then, I would snap out of it and think, "Oh, wow... This is the day I was waiting for. This is the actual race". 

Once I got out, I felt so happy. I literally thought, "This is over for me. I did it. I swam."

My HECK, YEAH face

That face  and those fists describe my heart - I was overjoyed 

for not dying AND meeting my own time expectations. 

I wanted to be fast, to be better than - of course - but I fought that feeling. I've been reflecting on this issue for the last month, and I have come up with some good reasons I do compare myself to others. Growing up I was always praised for good behavior, or good grades, or good whatever. Few times, if ever, I heard my parents telling me they loved me for me. I remember clearly being told they loved me because they had to love me, because I was their child. And what stuck with me was that they HAD to. 

I am coming a long ways from codependency. This journey is long. But I do believe now that I am worthy. That I am loved. That God adores me. And then the triathlon... Some weeks before, I felt bad for not having a watch, you know? I felt sad. As if being like others, fitting in, belonging was everything. And it is important, do not get me wrong. But I am trying to figure out what it is exactly that drives this emotion, this behavior of mine. This is how my mind works. I had to know what drives the behavior, otherwise how do you attack the root? Does that make sense? I  began saying NO, and standing up for myself when I discovered I was afraid of people. 

My YAY face

"Alright... so where do we go now?"

So with comparison... Yesterday, every single person had a GARMIN, or whatever gadget. And I had my Timex that would only give me total time. And I made the conscious decision of buying that one, because I knew I couldn't afford it, and that looking at my pace would only drive me crazier.

I just feel that when I compare myself to others - and this is something I have yet to talk to my counselor - is like telling God that what He is doing in me, and through me and for me is bullshit, you know? Like telling Him, "You know, your help is nice, but I still want NOT what you have for me, but what you have for others. Because I like what you do in them, not in me."

It feels like another way of idolizing. When I close my eyes, the way this feels... it is like I am holding something (let's say it's a baby). In my vision, holding this thing or this baby is the most precious thing I could ever do. It is my responsibility to take care of it. But then I see other things, other babies or other stuff, and what I do in my vision is that I put down the one baby I am holding. Once it is down, I am trying to chase after these other things, but then I feel very sad because I end up realizing that the one I put down was the one meant for me. And I feel really sad for chasing after something that was of no value because the one that really mattered was the one I was holding, and I wasted all my energy and all of my life trying to chase after others. 

I am trying to understand this thing that I see when I close my eyes... Nothing makes sense except that the thing that is in my arms is myself. I am losing me. I see life going through, and I chase after these things and I miss me. I miss my life. I miss my story. And I am sick of that. So now, I am trying to learn to stop that behavior. 

Coming back from the bike :)

So once on the bike, I did my best. I was going fast, enjoying, and every time the monster showed up, I remembered about my vision, and I literally said, "It doesn't mater, this is your story. It is wrong to steal other people's stories. This is the story God wrote for me. Enjoy your story."

Then I followed a lady who had a cool bike computer, and I stuck with her for quite a while. I asked her what mile we were on,  and our speed. She said we were on mile 7 @ 17-18 mph. And that was like another heck-yeah moment for me. When I was training, I could never go faster than 15 mph. It was so boring to get on the bike. I think it was the road, and that I had to consider cars and stuff... But on the race, the course was flat and there was police, so there was no fear of getting killed by a car. 

So that lady's computer gave me another boost in morale, you know? I thought I had to kill myself to be able to do 55 minutes on the bike, but I finished in 45 minutes. That computer thingy was spot on!

Almost there!

By the time I began running, I realized that I was WAY over my own mental barrier. And I wanted to crush my own goal, right? I had never done the three things together, so I set my own goal of 2 hours. So I began feeling that feeling of keep moving, go faster, beat yourself, compete... And then I looked at the lake. It was beautiful. Nobody was swimming, and the buoys were gone. 

I swam that. And my own perfectionism was like, "Well, it's not that far, you know? It's not a big deal". But it was a big deal. It was for me. And then, like in a crazy movie when you have two personalities I looked at the lake again. No, it is far! I swam that! I swam that! I freaking swam that!

It went much like this, LOL!

LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!

And then I was so happy, that basically it was just a party for me after mile one. I took my sweet time drinking water, putting ice on my head every mile, walking every now and then - just  really enjoying my time on the run. I was like, "Man, even if I walk, I can still make it under two hours..." 

And it was amazing... I never knew what people meant when they said something was fun. Specially when exercise was involved. I had never had fun. But this time I had so much fun. So much fun. I think I might do a tri again.  Just for fun. I think it was a good counseling session, too.  LOL!

I finished in 1:41:49.3

Could I have killed myself and do better? Probably. Maybe another time :)

Giving God the finger

Not a lot has happened since the last post. Well, that's a misunderstanding, I guess. I just don't feel the urge of writing every single detail that goes on in my life or in my children's lives. I don't know. I know that I will forget things, and that is okay sometimes, too.

I do collect memories, but I don't want to be obsessed with remembering. It's easy for me to obsess with things - whatever that will get my mind of thinking about my own problems - or so I'm learning in my counseling. 

I'm thinking lately more and more about eternity... I'm trying to wait on God to tell me or show me what it is that I am supposed to be doing for the rest of my life in lieu of raising my children. Ever since I came to this country I had wanted to work, but I was never able. Now I'm able but I have children, and I've been giving it a thought whether or not to work - eventually. We spent sometime the other day with Emerson's boss (ex-boss I should say), and his wife. They are a very sweet couple in their sixties, I think. I talked to her about many things that go through my mind, and while she never say I shouldn't work, I left their house that night thinking that my job at home is more difficult than I realize it is, and more important than I think it is. 

Emerson got a bench for his birthday

I also left the house feeling encouraged because my children were very good that night... then the next day I was faced with my boy spitting on my face at the library. Literally. It was very challenging to suck it all up, and don't smack his face. He was right in my ear and he blew a raspberry to show his disapproval when I asked him to do something. And I felt ashamed, and humiliated. I felt so discouraged after that. Specially because it seems I didn't do anything about it. Not even coming home, or in the car. I was furious. But he was so upset that if I had given him a spanking it only would've gotten worse - way worse. 

I'm learning to "Give it to the Lord".  Like the other day I got into an argument with Emerson and he said things that six months ago would have been awful for me to hear. God has shown me, however, that my worth is not on what Emerson says about me. So I let him go free of my mental prison, and I was able to forgive him. I told God it hurt. But that I was willing to let him go free. Then five minutes later, BAM! Emerson apologizes for having said what he said in a very specific way as if I had told him what actually hurt. I think in my circle that's when the Holy Spirit convicts you. I gave it to God, and God - not me - dealt with Emerson.

Ana's dress for her birthday

Regarding Enzo and Libby, though... I always take it in my own hands. Driving back home I was crying, and I was telling God so many things... Feelings that I felt. I was disrespected. I was angry. He deserved to be punished. And I felt like a terrible mom. He had been so rude to me. I was able to actually see how my feelings fluctuated from one day to another. But God is the only one who has never changed. And I realized once again that feelings are feeling and sometimes - most of the times - in situations like this I cannot trust them, and I have to evaluate them against God's truth. 

I think God has been showing me lately that many of the times I have given consequences to my children, it has been to get even. You know, to make them pay. I have punished many times instead of disciplined. As a follower of Jesus, that is not love. Not the love that God has for me anyway. God comforted my heart on the drive home by showing me that He also was humiliated and disrespected on the cross... and He didn't retaliate. I remembered one of my favorite chapters in the New Testament, Phillippians 2:5-8,

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 

I used to think my way was the only way, and the right way. But I do not have all the answers about being a mom. I apparently let Enzo go free. But I could no longer give him a consequence out of my own anger and my hurting pride. God comforted me by reminding me about the verse above, and how humiliated He also felt. 

Then I also remembered some parts of a Psalm that I have memorized lately, Psalm 103:7-10

The Lord is merciful and gracious,

    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

9 

He will not always chide,

    nor will he keep his anger forever.

10 

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

    nor repay us according to our iniquities.

   

I was still angry, though. I kept on crying telling God I knew about that, but that Enzo needed to pay. He had wronged me. He, figuratively, had given me the finger. In public. He had shamed me. And I mean, after a while, I think I came to the conclusion that throughout my whole life I had also given God the finger - many times. So it's not like Enzo was doing something awful or that it was my place to be self-righteous. Yes, he sinned against me, but basically it came to a matter of pride for me, and love is not proud. 

"WTH... so you're saying I should let him go free?", I asked God in my mind. 

I don't know if He answered or not, but I ended up thinking about the episode with Emerson - where I gave it to the Lord. God dealt with him. And I had NEVER EVER done that with my children. I am the one teaching them right from wrong. I am the one who guides them. I am the one responsible for their spiritual being. But I don't think I had ever given my children to the Lord in that sense. If they disobeyed me, they had paid the consequences. And of course, there is a balance. Children need consequences for their actions. 

But I think God is teaching me to love unconditionally - something that I lack badly. Being in counseling I've learned I give to get. I was raised that way. I have manipulated my way to get love - the love that I was never given by my parents.  So even though a follower of Jesus is supposed to love unconditionally, I haven't been a very good follower in that regard. 

Exhausted

And seriously, with Enzo... Loving unconditionally hurts. It is difficult to let go of that pride. I was rightfully angry at him, but that is what forgiveness means. I had him as a prisoner in my mind because he needed to pay. Yes, he owed me. But I had to let him go. That is what forgiveness is, to say, "You don't owe me".

So anyway, I held the consequence until I was able to tell Enzo that I forgave him for what he had done to me. He couldn't care less, of course. He kept on misbehaving all day. I would think he was tired, but then he is tired all freaking day all days lately, hahahah!!

I don't know... it took me several hours being grumpy and moody with him and Libby, but little by little, I think God soften my heart. I had never asked God to soften my heart in regards to my children. But I told Him I just didn't know how to give it to Him - my son. My husband was a grown up man. The Lord could deal with him, but my son... I had to deal with my son because he is my son. But I was honest about the fact that I didn't want to let go of Enzo, and I asked God to help me. And Enzo was being cute... Oh, I remember!!  Enzo read the word sad.

That day we were reading books, and Enzo began memorizing one. He saw a picture of a monster that looked sad, so he said the monster was sad. Whether he read the word or not, or figured the word out because of the monster's face it's not important. I was so happy. Libby cheered. Enzo couldn't believe his eyes. He had read a word!! Libby and I hugged him, and just like that I realized that I am the one who is supposed to show him how to forgive. 

I need to follow Jesus so my children follow me. We all follow Jesus, but they will be first imitators of me (which is not biblically random... Paul asked people to imitate him). I finally let Enzo go free. I had given him to the Lord, and I stopped being grumpy with Enzo. I don't know if the Lord dealt or will deal with Enzo. Based on my experience, God hasn't dealt with me the way I deserve to be dealt with. All I know is I was free from feeling that I had to make my son pay for what he had done to me.

Yes, Enzo kept misbehaving. So I did give him a consequence. He went to bed without playing with Libby. That broke his heart, but I was in control of my emotions, and it was not in anger or pride that I disciplined him ;)

Ok, so.. what else? Oh yeah, the dogs have fleas. We had to vacuumed the whole house, and hopefully they will be gone soon. A week later, we still found one upstairs. We vacuumed again. Libby and Enzo got free haircuts. And Libby keeps on cheering Enzo about reading. I think she's so darn cute praising him for "reading" when he doesn't even look at the book. She's clueless about the fact that he has the book almost memorized. Then again, I don't want to break anybody's bubble. After all, Libby learned to read exactly the same way. They'd better keep on reading that monster book even though it's missing the cover. I have to pay a fine because Mia ate it.

Enzo reads

Happy Birthdays!

It has been so long since I've been here writing stuff that there's only one post in between Libby turning four and five years old. LOL! 

And in between I didn't write anything for Enzo's 3rd birthday. We didn't do anything "special". But it was very special for all of us. We took him to eat pizza and have dessert. We were still living in the apartments before buying the house. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ENZO!

Pizza

Waiving

We also happened to go to Mexico after coming back from India. It was awesome to see family, and we celebrated our nephew's first birthday. We went to see some dinosaurs at the park where the party was at. And Libby and Enzo hung out with their cousin Miranda, who happens to go to a bilingual school. She understands English pretty well, but doesn't speak it. Libby understands Spanish very well but doesn't want to speak. So that's how they worked it out and were able to bond all afternoon :) 

Children with their cousin

With Nana Angeles

With Citlalli and Xochitl

Waiting for the cake 

Libby and Emerson are turning 5 and 33 years old on Tuesday. Libby wanted to make Special Agent Oso cupcakes since it's their show lately. In India I never EVER baked. The flour was not good quality. Or maybe it was but I didn't like it. I thought I was missing it a lot, but when I unpacked all my baking stuff, I got overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have. It made me feel... not guilty but also not thankful, if that makes sense. I was thankful for having that much baking stuff and decorating crap - which is amazing - but it made me realize that it was too much, and I didn't really NEED all those things. At some point I might have wanted to own every single piece of baking equipment, but I'm not into baking lately. 

Daddy being silly

I've discovered in counseling that I make idols of things and/or people. I please people. I don't know how to say NO. I always have to have something or someone that I compare myself to. I tend to jump in between things trying to find purpose. At some point I think it was baking bread, then cakes, running... or Emerson, my children, or my friends. God has been so good to me through all this. I asked the counselor, "Where has God been all this time?" 

She said He is at the very center of all this.

I didn't understand what she meant, but my marriage has been challenging. And sometimes in the last six months I had panicked about my future. I thought that maybe if my children would obey or Emerson wold change, I would be happier. But I'm the one changing. And I'm the one having to make decisions that are not necessarily right or wrong. Sometimes it's just messy. It's funny because I can read myself five years ago in this same blog, and I sounded like I had everything figured out as a mom or as a wife. But I honestly don't know squat...

Gift from Nana Angeles

My sister Susana

Sometimes I don't want to be a mom. Sometimes I want to cry and go to sleep and never wake up. I am NOT suicidal. Life is difficult sometimes. I'm learning that my feelings are okay to feel, and if I am angry, it's probably an indication that something's wrong. I'm learning to feel my feelings, but to evaluate my feelings against truth - God's truth. I was raised on an empty-love tank, so believing that someone can love me for me it's difficult to grasp. I have always known that kind of love is the love God gives me, but after all these years, it never made sense. I guess unconsciously I was always trying to get everybody else's approval - including God's. Like earning God's love. Futile. 

I'm learning what freedom is and feels like, and it's scary. It involves responsibility. And I don't know how to do that. It's easier to be a slave to someone or something. You can at least bitch about it - even if you are not happy. But Christ died to set me free, so I'm learning. And I'm trying to be easy on myself and stop demanding perfection from myself and my children. All this freedom vs slavery in the Bible makes a lot more sense now. Like it's a new dimension. I'm enjoying God actually. I did love Him. I had good intentions. But it blows my mind that even with all this spiritual adultery (which is basically the only thing I can think of), He still pursues me. He still wants me. I don't know how to love like that. I do not know how to love unconditionally. That is a lot of revelation right there... only God can tell you things like that in such a gentle way.  

Dakota before having Mia

Picking Mia up

Enzo was having a lot of attitudes that were not good. It's probably the age, but also my controlling attitude, and that I always gave into my anger. I would lose my self control and my patience, and lash out - almost always. God has helped me a lot, and He has revealed a lot of things to me lately. The counselor pretty much has just guided me, and she says, "Go ask God. Ask Him to convict you and reveal what you need to know". And He has. He really has been at the center of all this otherwise why would I come up with all these changes and things that deep down I knew needed to be addressed? 

Everything good comes from Him. 

My relationship with Emerson has improved and my relationship with my children, too. A lot I would say. This is fairly obvious but I probably - without even noticing - was raising my children the way I was raised. I was withdrawing my love at the times they were not acting accordingly to my standards. But I am changing, and Enzo and Libby are thriving.  Specially Enzo. He is a very sweet boy. I'm hopeful for the future :)

We went to our first dentist appointment the other day. They got a gift card for ice cream - go figure!

We still don't know what we are gonna do on may 24th which is the actual birthday for them, but I'm sure Libby is gonna have fun tomorrow with her cupcakes at church. She wanted to go to the Monkey thing afterwards. We'll see... Tonight Emerson and I went on a "date" to Lowes. We just got out of the house, and we had a good time. My MIL is here. I was happy, very happy dancing on the aisles of HEB. I remember something I read about been in a  grocery store without children. It does feel like a vacation. LOL!

OSO CUPCAKES - EVERYBODY HELPED

She's five!

NOT Emerson's thing

Enzo kneading fondant 

She was excited :)