It has been so long since I've been here writing stuff that there's only one post in between Libby turning four and five years old. LOL!
And in between I didn't write anything for Enzo's 3rd birthday. We didn't do anything "special". But it was very special for all of us. We took him to eat pizza and have dessert. We were still living in the apartments before buying the house.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ENZO!
We also happened to go to Mexico after coming back from India. It was awesome to see family, and we celebrated our nephew's first birthday. We went to see some dinosaurs at the park where the party was at. And Libby and Enzo hung out with their cousin Miranda, who happens to go to a bilingual school. She understands English pretty well, but doesn't speak it. Libby understands Spanish very well but doesn't want to speak. So that's how they worked it out and were able to bond all afternoon :)
|Children with their cousin|
|With Nana Angeles|
|With Citlalli and Xochitl|
|Waiting for the cake|
Libby and Emerson are turning 5 and 33 years old on Tuesday. Libby wanted to make Special Agent Oso cupcakes since it's their show lately. In India I never EVER baked. The flour was not good quality. Or maybe it was but I didn't like it. I thought I was missing it a lot, but when I unpacked all my baking stuff, I got overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have. It made me feel... not guilty but also not thankful, if that makes sense. I was thankful for having that much baking stuff and decorating crap - which is amazing - but it made me realize that it was too much, and I didn't really NEED all those things. At some point I might have wanted to own every single piece of baking equipment, but I'm not into baking lately.
|Daddy being silly|
I've discovered in counseling that I make idols of things and/or people. I please people. I don't know how to say NO. I always have to have something or someone that I compare myself to. I tend to jump in between things trying to find purpose. At some point I think it was baking bread, then cakes, running... or Emerson, my children, or my friends. God has been so good to me through all this. I asked the counselor, "Where has God been all this time?"
She said He is at the very center of all this.
I didn't understand what she meant, but my marriage has been challenging. And sometimes in the last six months I had panicked about my future. I thought that maybe if my children would obey or Emerson wold change, I would be happier. But I'm the one changing. And I'm the one having to make decisions that are not necessarily right or wrong. Sometimes it's just messy. It's funny because I can read myself five years ago in this same blog, and I sounded like I had everything figured out as a mom or as a wife. But I honestly don't know squat...
|Gift from Nana Angeles|
|My sister Susana|
Sometimes I don't want to be a mom. Sometimes I want to cry and go to sleep and never wake up. I am NOT suicidal. Life is difficult sometimes. I'm learning that my feelings are okay to feel, and if I am angry, it's probably an indication that something's wrong. I'm learning to feel my feelings, but to evaluate my feelings against truth - God's truth. I was raised on an empty-love tank, so believing that someone can love me for me it's difficult to grasp. I have always known that kind of love is the love God gives me, but after all these years, it never made sense. I guess unconsciously I was always trying to get everybody else's approval - including God's. Like earning God's love. Futile.
I'm learning what freedom is and feels like, and it's scary. It involves responsibility. And I don't know how to do that. It's easier to be a slave to someone or something. You can at least bitch about it - even if you are not happy. But Christ died to set me free, so I'm learning. And I'm trying to be easy on myself and stop demanding perfection from myself and my children. All this freedom vs slavery in the Bible makes a lot more sense now. Like it's a new dimension. I'm enjoying God actually. I did love Him. I had good intentions. But it blows my mind that even with all this spiritual adultery (which is basically the only thing I can think of), He still pursues me. He still wants me. I don't know how to love like that. I do not know how to love unconditionally. That is a lot of revelation right there... only God can tell you things like that in such a gentle way.
|Dakota before having Mia|
|Picking Mia up|
Enzo was having a lot of attitudes that were not good. It's probably the age, but also my controlling attitude, and that I always gave into my anger. I would lose my self control and my patience, and lash out - almost always. God has helped me a lot, and He has revealed a lot of things to me lately. The counselor pretty much has just guided me, and she says, "Go ask God. Ask Him to convict you and reveal what you need to know". And He has. He really has been at the center of all this otherwise why would I come up with all these changes and things that deep down I knew needed to be addressed?
Everything good comes from Him.
My relationship with Emerson has improved and my relationship with my children, too. A lot I would say. This is fairly obvious but I probably - without even noticing - was raising my children the way I was raised. I was withdrawing my love at the times they were not acting accordingly to my standards. But I am changing, and Enzo and Libby are thriving. Specially Enzo. He is a very sweet boy. I'm hopeful for the future :)
We went to our first dentist appointment the other day. They got a gift card for ice cream - go figure!
We still don't know what we are gonna do on may 24th which is the actual birthday for them, but I'm sure Libby is gonna have fun tomorrow with her cupcakes at church. She wanted to go to the Monkey thing afterwards. We'll see... Tonight Emerson and I went on a "date" to Lowes. We just got out of the house, and we had a good time. My MIL is here. I was happy, very happy dancing on the aisles of HEB. I remember something I read about been in a grocery store without children. It does feel like a vacation. LOL!
OSO CUPCAKES - EVERYBODY HELPED
|NOT Emerson's thing|
|Enzo kneading fondant|
|She was excited :)|