Pericles...OUT!

Today is not a good Friday. I guess it is, I'm just overreacting to the fact that I miss my baby already. Emerson kicked my baby out of our bedroom, without even asking for permission... not that he has to ask, I just didn't think he was serious today when he said we were gonna have a movie night to celebrate someone was moving out.

Emerson came from work with a huge case, and I had no idea there was a projector inside. We took Dori to the vet for some vaccinations she needed, and then picked up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. Oh, by the way, Nicole (my OD) said my eyes look great.  I had a follow up with her after two months of being taking the prescription drops. She was sincerely happy I ended up going to the ENT to get to the bottom of my never ending itchiness. She recommended I continue taking them until the end of times, because allergy medicines make the dry eyes worse, so... I just don't want to push it. The good thing is that I know now that a vial is enough for four applications, not just one. Bear with me here.

At Dr. Nicole Bauman's office

The pharmacist at the drug store will tell you to dispose of a medicine who has expired. But I do remember some things from school... it's still okay to take it after one or two months, you won't die, and the medicine still works. Once you open a vial of the eye drops, you need to take care of the tip not getting contaminated, that's why you shouldn't touch it in the first place. But this pharmacist told me I should only use it once and dispose of the rest of the medicine. But Nicole told me it's okay to use until the vial runs out of medicine, even the manufacturer says that, according to her. We are talking about drops that are $80 with insurance! And only God knows what will be the price once I fill up the fourth prescription. 

So what the pharmacist wants me to do is use two vials a day, to run out of my sixty vials in one month. But one vial last actually for two whole days. We are talking about 120 whole days of medicine.  I can live paying, let me rephrase that... Emerson can live paying 80 dollars every four months (instead of every  month) for a medicine I will use until Jesus comes and picks me up, which I believe will be in a long, long time. Like Mr. Jeff says, and I really want to believe that, God is not ready for me yet :)

Cypress Creek Park (NEW!!)

Squirrel

Worm

Enzo swinging

Sharing the horse

Riding Horsie

So anyway... once we came back, the children were having dinner, and Emerson started cleaning up the room, and moving the crib out; and then, just like that, he was pushing it in Libby's room (now the children's room). I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "I told you someone was moving out". He then proceeded to set the projector up, and he got ready a show for us to watch, the Super Readers.

"Daddy, mmhm!"

My husband is not a jerk. He said last night that I always make him look like a jerk in my posts. If anything, I think he does the things he needs to do for our own good, and even though I don't like it sometimes, I still go with it, because he is right most of the time. Enzo moved out last night... I didn't hear a thing in the middle of the night, and I slept very well. I think he woke up at 5:30 am, but Libby slept through his crying. We picked him up at 6:30 am, and Libby was still sleeping. I nurse him, and he went with Emerson grocery shopping.

Enzo's name was the first thing coming out of Libby's mouth when she woke up. I cried a little bit last night. I felt like Emerson was taking my baby away from me, I really did. But then I saw them sleeping, and I knew they belong together now. They are gonna have great nights together, I'm sure. The napping during the day is tricky, because Libby gives Enzo books, and toys, and Enzo doesn't stop crying... but they'll get used to it.

Super Readers

Night nights

Growing babies

I'm trying NOT to take pictures at all this week because we are going to San Antonio this weekend with some friends from church; I know coming back I will have a long, long post to write. So as far as I can tell, I have taken some pictures, but not tons of them. 

Enzo is walking more and more now, using the couch. Sometimes he uses the lion, but he doesn't really walk forward. He is very tired at the end of the day because he is not sleeping well since Libby is singing and reading during nap time in the same room. I think that's helping because both got up today (Monday) at 7:30 am, or at least that's when Libby got out of her room and came to mine (I told you it took me days to write a post). It's nice not to hear a thing in the middle of the night. Even when Emerson gets up to get a shower, I do hear the noise, but it's not the same as your child screaming his lungs out. I don't know... it was just a love-hate relationship, ha ha ha! I nursed him to make him quiet. But now when I see him in the morning, I am rested and happy, and I drink my coffee, and he nurses -he actually nurses instead of falling asleep- and everybody is happy.

Siblings

JUMP!

Libby can really jump now... I'll try to post later a video of her new pool, that's the thing now, we played for about an hour this morning. I don't remember if I wrote about it in the last post, but we are also doing the lesson of the day. I print some working sheets about letters, and shapes, and horizontal or vertical lines, and she does that in the morning while I show Enzo some flashcards. Nothing fancy, I guess, I just want to entertain her, and she likes it. She even says, "Lesson d-day". I've never forced her to write or anything. Enzo eats the cards for now, but so did Libby at his age.  That's better than watching Old McDonald all the time, she asks for it all day long every day... But I'm a party pooper, and we just watch it once a day.

Lesson of the day

Letter C

Letter D

New Pool

Getting ready for a time-out

I didn't want to write about this, but I guess I should for future reminders. Most of the time I think I am a good mother, well... a great mother, actually. What can I say? I have good self-esteem. But then something happens that makes me feel like I really suck at this, and that no matter what I do, my children will recriminate me for something I did or say to them, even if it was only that one time... You know, sometimes I fear they will want to raise their children in a way that will be completely opposite to the way I am trying to raise them, as if I wasn't a good enough mom to them. I guess I fear this because I avoid doing what my parents did to me. I was hurt sometimes, but maybe my parents didn't know any better. Maybe I'm messing up big time and I don't see it, but Enzo and Libby will notice it. 

Anyways... so here we were on Sunday getting ready to go to church, and Emerson and I got into an argument, and I was putting Libby in the car seat, and then all hell broke loose. She began crying, Enzo began crying, I was upset... I asked her three times to get in the car seat and she didn't do it, so I held her and made her sit down; then she wanted to get out of the car seat, and I was pushing her down trying to buckle her up, until I gave up.  I yelled at her telling her to get out of the car, that we weren't going anywhere, that if she didn't want to go outside the house then we wouldn't go. I yelled at her telling her to get out of the car, and of course, now she wanted to sit down. I yelled at her, "No, no, no, we are not going anywhere" - I don't know how many times.

Ready for bed

Begging for his milk

About to throw himself to the floor

Tantrum on Dori's bed

"Where's my milk?"

"I just want my milk!"

Tantrum

She came back to the apartment crying, and I got into their room, and began crying, too. I was sad, but mostly very angry. I just wanted to go to church, but it seemed like I was the only one ready to go (not that the children know anything about that yet). I realized I had just yelled at my daughter for not wanting to do what I wanted her to do, and I was angry at her for no apparent reason. I was actually mad at her dad, but Libby was the one I took it out on. I felt guilty. After I cried for a long time, I asked her to forgive me. I said I was very sorry, and she hugged me. I still don't know if she understands when I say I'm sorry, because when I say I'm sorry, she also says she is sorry, as if she were the one who wronged me.

Even after saying I was sorry, I felt sad, and guilty. Emerson told me I had to let go of those feelings because I'm the one who says that God forgives me when I sin, if I truly repent. Guilt doesn't come from God, but from Satan, that's very biblical. Then I felt afraid of who I became, and sad for doing those things. I looked at them, and cried at the thought of them hating me in the future for doing these things to them... I made all these stories up in my head about stupid things, and I played me yelling at her over and over again in my head, and cried more and more. Then Libby started to play with a blanket. 

When she was struggling with that blanket on the floor (she was trying to extend it) she began holding her breath, and kind of breathing heavily. She began getting more and more frustrated. I tried to hug her and told her it was okay if she needed help. But she kept on saying, "No, Mommy, no, Mommy". I saw more and more frustration in her face, and after several minutes she was crying on the floor. I tried to hug her again, but at the beginning she refused to let me touch her. After trying extending the blanket she cried again. This time I forced her into my arms, and rocked her as a baby. That's our new thing lately, too. I tell her she is my baby girl, and I wrap her in a blanket, and sing the songs I used to sing when she was a baby. 

Tall Enzo

He likes Sissy's pillow

Down

Stuffed

Eating mashed potatoes

New faces lately

Angry

Mobile

So I was rocking her as a baby, and I asked her if she was sad and frustrated with the blanket. She began crying in my arms. I told her I was very, very sorry for what had happened. I said I had lost my self control, and I had let my emotions rule over me. In my anger I had sinned... I told her she needed to control herself with the blanket, too, and that I knew I had to lead her by example. I said -again- I was sorry for behaving the way I did. I said we could work together in our self control. She hugged me again, and we continued struggling with that blanket for about ten minutes. I wanted to show her how to do it, but she wanted to do it on her own.

After ten minutes of trying, she was able to extend it. And it was like something weird clicked, she was happy again, and she hugged me this time, but it was like closure, you know? It looked like she took all her emotions out on that blanket. All that she probably felt for me talking to her that way, and watching me cry finally came to an end. She was herself again, happy and loving. I felt the same way. We both needed that. I let go of my guilt after that, she helped me, she really did. It is amazing how God can use your children to teach you things. My daughter forgave me :) 

Emerson has noticed that she holds her feelings, too. The other day she kept on telling him, "Bye, Daddy, bye, Daddy", but she really wanted to cry because she didn't want to go to sleep. Every child is different, I guess. I never thought she would be that way, hiding her emotions and feelings. I am the same way. So, tomorrow is the Proverbs 31 Bible study, and there are some questions about moms and stuff. I am the only mother in that group, and I think they are gonna ask me about how I teach my children about Jesus, what's my legacy for them, and how I use my wisdom with my children, even when I am angry. Go figure...

I will never say this happen because God made it happen. It was my fault, and my poor choices that led me to explode that way with my daughter. God, however, used it in a mighty way. My answers last week (I do my homework in advance when I have free time) said, "I rock as a mom", pretty much, which is very far from humble. After Sunday I changed them to, "I suck balls", which is not true at all, and they just reflected the emotions of the day. I was exhausted, and my eyes hurt for all the crying... 

Blueberry tart

Eating it

My quality control gal

The tart

Tomorrow is the next to last meeting of the study, and I'm still trying to figure out this character of  the woman in Proverbs 31. I know she was not in drugs, but she seems to perfect not to be. She was an excellent wife, businesswoman, manufacturer, importer, manager, mother, counselor, realtor, farmer, gardener. Her husband had absolute trust in her, she got up before dawn, managed everything in the household, she spoke with wisdom, she wasn't lazy at all, and her children actually honored her and respected her... Was this lady for realz??

I was still feeling pretty bummed yesterday. No guilt, but just that feeling that I knew I had messed up. Then I remembered Andy Stanley. He preached once on the perfect family. The perfect family doesn't exist. There is no family on the face of the earth that actually lives and does EVERYTHING that the Bible says. There is no one that lives it to the 100%. So if you don't like God or the Bible because you think you have to obey all the rules the Bible has, this is good news: You don't have to!

Did you know that all those rules God gave the Israelites were given because they were a new nation? They used to be slaves in Egypt, and God set them free, you know, Moses and the Red Sea... with Charlton Heston, and The Ten Commandments. God wanted to show them how to live free. God knew, however, there was no freaking way they were going to obey all the rules. That was the main thing. They didn't know killing was bad, until the law said killing was a sin. But they still killed. The fact that there were rules to obey didn't mean that they obeyed them all, it only showed them how sinful they were, and their need for a Savior -Jesus.

Andy Stanley said there is no way we can do it all perfectly, but we need a golden standard. Patience is the golden standard, and if I struggle with it and have set backs, it doesn't mean I don't even have to try... I need to try, to keep trying to achieve it, keep looking for the ideal, not because I will do it perfectly in this life, but because the ideal is worth it. Patience is what God wants. It is what's best for us. And if God says it is the best, then we should desire it, too, to please Him.

On the way back from my 7 mile run

This Sunday I realized my need for a Savior. I need Jesus, and I told Him so when I was crying. I really wanted to go to church that morning. I am forgiven. My children are forgiven. You are forgiven, you just need to take your forgiveness. I am not the perfect mother, but sometimes I think I am. Days like Sunday give me a reality check, and help me stay grounded to the fact that I do need someone to save me, to help me, to teach me, to lead me, to guide me, because I do not know better, even if I think I do.

And I don't care if some times the laundry doesn't get folded, or if Emerson has to ask me to iron his work shirts because I forgot and he needs them, or if Dori barely eats twice a day, or if my allergies suck, or if my veins act up, or if  I don't close the cabinet doors, or if "I didn't get to work on my PhD because I have babies, college friends". I don't really care if I am not a merchant, or a business woman, or if I don't get up before dawn -excuse me, I am just not a morning person- or if I am not a manager, or a counselor, or a gardener or a farmer... The proverbs 31 woman is the ideal.

I don't know if she existed, but I don't think she did to be honest. Scripture never talks about anyone being THAT perfect other than Christ. Even Paul got into some argument with Barnabas over Mark. Paul was so stubborn to give in. If the Proverbs 31 woman was real, Scripture doesn't talk about her sins and mistakes, but she had them, she had to had them, because she was a human being who needed God to save her. She did everything to please God, her fear of the Lord made her the woman she was (Pv. 31:30).

I am not perfect, and as much as I want to strive for the ideal, I know I will never achieve it in this life. "I need Jesus to save me" , I told Libby and Enzo on Sunday. I think that's my best legacy for them.

I've found my replacement