Nancy Hunter has been writing in her blog lately about Gabe and the children. I think God has been trying to tell me something through her lately.
Nancy wrote that some years ago she gave Gabe a photo album because she wanted him to see the beautiful gifts God had given him, the precious people who were looking up to him, and priceless moments with them.
She wanted him to realize that he was not unfortunate and forgotten by God, but blessed beyond belief; that life was not hopeless, but wonderful.
I've been feeling weird these couple of weeks. I know I'm blessed, but I feel guilty about it. I feel that God would come and take it all away because I didn't do what I'm supposed to. I want to do more things with my life, and sometimes I don't think changing diapers and doing laundry is enough.
But when I read what Nancy wrote, I cried. I cried and I asked God to tell me what's wrong. I feel He said nothing's wrong. I don't have to be afraid because He loves me and wants to bless me. All this time I've been wondering what I am supposed to do with my life, but Nancy said it perfectly:
"I think it's funny that I am always trying to figure out 'What does God want me to do?' and figure out his direction for what is next. I was reminded that maybe I am right where He wants me. I picture it like I'm on a bus calling everybody to try to get directions to Chicago and I'm already there. I just need to chill and appreciate what He has done and is doing"
I think I am right where God wants me, and they talked about that at church the other day, I guess I am the only one struggling with that. I just can't believe God wants me being a Mommy, when I can be helping somewhere else.
Yes, she is needy...she grabs me by the hair and pulls it awfully when I'm trying to put her in her crib to go night, nights...
Yes, she cries...she cries every time she wants me to change her diaper, or hug her, or feed her or pick her up. She cries whenever I leave her alone, or disappear to go pipis. No matter how many times I tell her Mommy also needs to go pipis, she cries...
But she laughs whenever I say, "Venga, venga"
Or whenever Daddy says, "Hey, hey, hey" in Fat Albert's voice...
And she never pays attention whenever Dori is around...
I have the perfect gift in her. Creation is God's unique ability, and He blessed us wit her. She sees us, she trusts in us. She doesn't say it, but she loves us.
I have a perfect family. It doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy don't argue. We argue a lot. It doesn't mean Mommy and Daddy don't sin. We sin, heck, we do...we are imperfect people.
It means we are loved by a God who understands everything. And He chooses to love us in spite of us. He chooses to love. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for Emerson. He has a plan for our marriage, and our children. He has a plan for how we will raise our family.
And maybe I don't need to be constantly thinking if I'm exactly fulfilling it. Don't need to be anxious about having to know how it will unfold, or the next move I need to make, or stressing out thinking maybe God doesn't want me to do exactly that.
He is in charge of me, I am His responsibility. He has to take care of me. Maybe I just need to relax and trust He will guide me through it, He will take care of it...
When Jesus died for us, He promised He will.
|Longwood Trails. Dec 2011.|