Letting go...

Ahhh... Where to begin?? Too much stuff going on since I turned 30. I need to write myself a list of things I need to talk about on this post:

1. My encounter with my biggest fear.
2. My kick-ass husband.
3. My awesome children.
4. My view on this all.

At Five Guys :)

1. My encounter with my biggest fear.

I'm thinking I need to start changing the way I look at things. I was reminded the other day through a sermon from Jeff Henderson that my days are numbered. Thank you, Moses, for writing Psalm 90. I'm trying to find that sermon online, and guess what? It is right there, but Jeff is not the one preaching it. Joel Thomas is. It is not the same sermon I heard, obviously, because people cannot steal sermons,  can they? Oh, yes, if only I told you - they can. Anyway... I'm drifting here to my past.

The fact that the sermon I heard live is not the same that was uploaded to the church's website just makes me think even more that I was meant to listen to that sermon last Sunday. Jeff didn't break it to me - I knew I'll die one day. What he said about my attitude towards life did impact me, though. He said that I should not be afraid of death, since death is just the beginning of something wonderful. And I know, I know I'll be with Jesus once I die, but he also said that my life on earth should reflect the hope of that promise. It doesn't. 

For a long time now, I mean, not years but at least months, I've been very self-preoccupied (like I read  on Tuesday at the Methodist Hospital) with my life. I've been giving fear too much space in my heart. I've openly told God that I'm afraid of dying. I've cried many times because I don't want to leave this world, even though this world sucks!! I just don't want to stop seeing Emerson, and my children. With my varicose veins and the fact that I need surgery; plus my endoscopy on Tuesday, I've been asking God, "Why? Why do I have to be sick?"

I know this fear is something God has been wanting to address for a long time now, but I've blatantly ignored Him. Until now.

I know God is faithful, and if you ask me, I know He adores me. He loves me. Because of that same reason, I know He will not leave me alone - not as in He will be by my side, but as in He will nag me until we take care of it. He loves me too much to let me go longer having this. We have to take care of it. I just don't know how we will do it, but we'll figure it out. 

He is heavy

The last time God and I dealt with something of this magnitude, I was living in Ohio, and I was terrified of Him not meeting my needs, and my wants. It was awful not to have all that I'd always had, and to feel empty at the same time. The lesson learned was this: God will provide. Always. My issue was that I wanted to be in control of things. I've always wanted to be in control. I wasn't sure if I was going to be accepted to school, or if we were going to have a car, or a job, or stay in this country... We didn't know anything about the future. We thought we were going to go to Europe for a while or go back to Mexico. There was a lot of uncertainty for most of the time we lived in Ohio, but through it all, God proved Himself faithful to us - to me. 

No, I didn't make it into grad school, but I don't regret that. Yes, He provided a car for us. He gave us many friends that I miss with all my heart: Kate, Ethan, Rob, Cheryl, Michael and Mary. He provided for us always, in the most amazing ways... and somehow in the course of three years - yes, three - I let go of that fear because I saw time and again that He provided . I trusted God. 

You ask me now if I'm afraid Emerson will lose his job, or to move to another country, or if I doubt if God is going to provide for my family... Are you crazy? He is going to provide. And that doesn't mean Emerson will always have a job in this country, or that we won't ever move, but God will take care of us. I trust Him.

Okay, so that's my goal. Saying with that confidence that I trust Him, but now with my health. How do I get to that point? What do I have to go through? Does it make sense? I want to cooperate big time, because last time it took me three years!! I'm guessing that was because I resisted it so much... I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to enjoy my beautiful life, my beautiful children, and my amazing husband. 

I think I need to make a list of times when God has shown me His favor in regards to health issues, just as I wrote in my book about all the times that He provided (pretty much the whole book). Let's try:

• I don't have cervical cancer. That thing is in remission.
• My herniated discs are still there, but I'm fine with my chiropractor. I feel my arms again.
• Elizabeth was fine with almost no amniotic fluid at week 30.
• Libby's birth could've gone wrong. It didn't. 
• Libby's jaundice got taken care of. 
• Libby's ear infection and eye infection went away with antibiotics.
• Libby's awful fall from the bed in Mexico didn't amount to anything major. 
• Libby's fall at the apartment. She didn't break her ankle.
• Enzo had a heartbeat :) Even though blood was there, there was no miscarriage.
• Enzo turned around during labor when he had to. No complications after heavy bleeding.
• Enzo's jaundice got taken care of. 
• Emerson's acid reflux got taken care of.
• Emerson's back is better. He doesn't feel numbness in his shoulders anymore.  
• My dad made it through two major surgeries. He is alive. 
• Libby has another ear infection.
• Yes, I have varicose veins, and they can get worse. But I'll treat them. God will provide.
•  Yes, I'm still waiting for my stomach biopsies. Whether a bacteria or food-related gastritis God will provide.

Cooking

I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting stuff. I'm mad now. Why do I get so upset about this stuff? God has provided my husband with a job and we are able to go to the doctors!! Honestly, it is just a control issue... I know it because when Emerson didn't have a job, when we had no idea if we were going to stay in this country (we still don't know for sure, but you get it) it never occurred to me to think about my health.

I was "healthy" back then (nothing hurt). What I didn't have back then was control over the financial issue, but God helped me realize that He was going to take care of that, and that I needed to trust Him. Problem gone. God put my control in the passenger's seat. I don't even think about that stuff now. It's just good memories and the assurance that God will provide. 

We have a job now, but the new worry is my "health". God has shown me He takes care of me and my peeps. I have to make the daily choice of giving Him my trust on this, because the truth is I may die in a week in a car accident and here I am worrying I have cancer!! And once I let go of that, there will be something new, I'm sure. And I don't want to live like this, just trying to control every single outcome.  I will not repeat this cycle in my family. I will not be like this.

Libby, Enzo:

I write this blog as a legacy for you. I want you to see what Mom thought of you, her life, and stuff... I am not perfect. Heck, no!! Children, I am a mess. I sin daily. I just confessed one of my big ones: fear. 

I want you to know that God is helping me. We will make it through this, because we've done it before. Remember that song from Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious... about anything... but in everything... by prayer and petition... with thanksgiving present your requests to God... Aaaaaaand the peaaaace of Gooood which transcends all understanding... will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

Read the next verse, sweethearts. Verse 8 is another song from Seeds. Remember that one?? "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. TRUE!! NOBLE!! RIGHT!! PURE!! LOVELY!! ADMIRABLE!! EXCELLENT!! PRAISEWORTHY!! THINK ABOUT, THINK ABOUT!!"

I want you to know that when I am tempted to fear, I think about your lovely eyes, Enzo. I think about how true it is that Jesus died for us. I think about how admirable it is that you actually share your toys with Enzo, Libby. You've proven all the toddler books wrong. Toddlers can share. And Libby, you have lovely hair, too. I think about how pure is your Daddy's love for me. I know he would give his life for any of us. I think about how praiseworthy is Jesus for creating us, and for giving me this family.

Elizabeth, Enzo, I will never tell you the struggles of this life are a piece of cake, that has never been my intention. I just want you to know that there is a God in heaven who is willing to help you live your life on earth to the fullest if you let Him. He loves you way more than Dad and I do. And that is something to think about.

Very serious

2. My kick ass husband

Through this all, Emerson has been great. You know, Emerson and I are going through kind of a rough patch at church. Don't read me wrong. I still follow Jesus, and as far as I know, Emerson thinks Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (I overheard him two days ago telling that to Libby). I'm talking about just church as an organization. It can suck big time.

Anyway, with all this, I've been wondering lately what would have happened if we had never ever given our hearts to Jesus... And the truth is we would have been fine, in the short run: life on earth. I mean, no wonder why people think they don't need God. I've known people who have more hope than I do sometimes, and they are not even Christians. I've met new people lately, and they are really kind, but they are not Christians. How is it possible that people can be patient, and self-controlled, and gentle and joyful, and they don't even care about Christ?

Emerson is a really good man. He was compassionate, caring, loyal, and faithful when I met him. So I've been thinking lately that this You need Jesus-thing sounds really awkward to someone who has lived a relatively nice life. You know what I mean? Don't know how or when I started thinking that God had kind of a preference for people who believed in Him, like He loved us more. But the cold truth is He doesn't. And I couldn't understand why, because after all, that is kind of unfair. I've given my life to Him, and I'm changing my ways or at least trying to. Why wouldn't He love me more? The answer is grace. You get His forgiveness because He loved you first. It is not something you do. You do not earn it.

God doesn't love me more just because I don't cheat. Even if I cheated, He would still love me the same. His love doesn't change. I love Elizabeth and Enzo with all my heart. No matter what Libby has been doing to me lately (read section 3), I love her. I don't love her more when she behaves differently.  Of course I like it, but in the end, it's for her own benefit if she does the right thing. In the same way, I don't think God shakes His head in disapproval or disappointment, angry or resentful. He is not looking for an opportunity to get us. He cares deeply for every one of us.

My mechanic

That's why I'm saying we would have been fine. Because we had a nice life, but we had no idea that there was someone willing to forgive our sins. Sin is the key point here. You can be a good person, but that is not going to take you anywhere. When you do not grasp the idea that you actually need a Savior, getting saved doesn't make sense. Something needs to happen in your life that makes you realize you are broken, that you are actually one of those sinners. So, yes, people can be patient, and gentle, and kind, but if they don't have The Savior, they are going to be fine just in the short run. I think, though, that eternity is longer. I like forever more.

I have been blessed with a wonderful husband. For the last month, he has been cooking for the whole week on the weekend. He is helping me wash the dishes more. I actually feel bad sometimes, because it seems I don't do anything -except taking care of the children-. That in itself is a lot, considering Emerson spends almost all day cooking.

Emerson took care of Libby and Enzo while I had the endoscopy. We got there at 7:30 am. Well, I was supposed to be there at 7:30 am., but Emerson took me to the wrong hospital. He is always right (SMH here) so I assumed he knew where we were going, since I mentioned it three times the day before. But we got to the right hospital ten minutes later.

Before going in

On Wednesday, Feb 13th, he left work early in order to take me to the doctor. My stomach had been hurting really badly Monday and Tuesday. Everything seemed fine. The doctor told me to keep eating as usual (just not a lot of fat) and ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder, some blood work and an upper endoscopy -thank goodness for the upper part. On Valentine's Day, however, I ate some chocolate and kinda ruined our date night. Thankfully we did go out for ice cream while Brad and Merritt babysat for us. A lot of fat in that cone, plus the chocolate... As soon as I ate it I felt my stomach tightening, and the pain went to my back. I missed my gift that night. Emerson had given me five minutes of sucking face...

Emerson didn't go to work on Friday to take me to the ultrasound, which we rushed since the pain didn't stop. And after a very stressful day arguing with the ladies at my doctor' office, they finally got my results, and my gallbladder is totally fine.

On Tuesday he missed work again to take me to the endoscopy and was dealing with my children. They are so well behaved, though, it's not even fair to say you have to deal with them. Honestly, Libby was seated on that stroller all the time since we got there. Obviously Emerson took them out to walk and to many places around: Sams Club, Bed Bath and Beyond, Michael's, Academy, and I don't know where else. Emerson feels no remorse in leaving Libby and Enzo in the stroller all the time, maybe that's why he says it's so easy to take care of them for hours, ha ha ha!! When I take them with me, I don't take the double stroller because I feel bad about not letting Libby walk.

Anyway, that propofol is the real deal. They took me to the room at 10:20 am. By 10:30 am, the doctor came in and talked to me; then the anesthesiologist told me she was gonna start sedating me. I breathed deeply twice, watched the monitor moving, and I don't remember breathing a third time. I opened my eyes at 11 am, five minutes after getting out -according to a nurse. I felt great, waaay better than with the wisdom teeth. I could've left the building walking, but I guess it is procedure or policy that you have to leave on a wheel chair. After waving Bye Bye to a giant statue of Jesus, all of us got in the car and came home. Emerson said Libby was scared of the statue. Oh, Jesus... you scared my child.

This post is taking me longer to write, several days, I mean. Yesterday (Thursday)Emerson arranged with Merritt to meet here at 11:30 am, so that I could go and have lunch with him. That was really nice. My husband is the best.  He also prepared lunch for me in the morning the other day, and even counted my calories. He baked the whole wheat bread. That Emerson is a keeper :)

Lunch under 500 cal.

3. My awesome children

When I came back from lunch, though, Enzo was miserably crying and had an awful runny nose. Merritt said he was crying the whole time I was gone, and that she could understand why I was crying yesterday when she called. She kinda hurt my feelings, but she didn't meant to. Enzo never cries with me like he was crying with her, maybe he missed me. He seemed having a really bad time in her arms.

The runny nose I thought it was because he had finally got sick, but after a while - when Merritt and Kori left- he began being his normal self. I'm sure he missed me.

At least I covered her clothes

So, yes, I am letting myself cry now. I've been having this twitching on my eye. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my children, but Elizabeth is so active all day long, I don't know what to do with her on the days we can't walk. She's been sick for a week now, plus it's been very cold outside, so we haven't gone  for our morning walk for a week. We are IN the apartment all day long.

In the mornings we have breakfast and then I wash the dishes, nurse Enzo, and color with her.  Sometimes I let her watch Harry o El Raton Vaquero. But these last couple of days were rough because she would be crying most of the time, really cranky. I thought she had an ear infection during the weekend (after being sick for almost a week with green mucus coming out), but Emerson convinced me I was exaggerating as usual. Wednesday night, however, she began really putting her fingers inside her left ear, and the fussiness was like never before. I know my cranky crazy girl, this was another cranky crazy girl.

I just wanted to make sure she was okay, and we took her to the doctor. Guess what, Daddy? She has her left ear infected... Emerson said he knew it. It took him like ten minutes to say I was right, and that only because I asked him. I know her! I know her so well... By the way, Libby met Victoria at the doctor's office. She was a ten year-old. Libby was really into what Victoria was doing -homework. I asked Libby not to distract her, but Victoria offered Libby some paper and some pens to play with. That was really kind of her, Libby said thank you, and I felt hopeful. Hopeful that there are kind children around. I don't know... I don't know many.

Laughing

My twitching eye... I guess most of my stress comes from wanting to do a lot of things with Elizabeth, but having my arms busy with Enzo. Almost all the time I have to tell her to wait because I either need to nurse him, change his diaper, or to change the shirt he just threw up on. It's not even funny... I actually don't carry Enzo as much as I carried Libby, but whatever free time I have, I use. When I'm not busy with them, I need to go to the bathroom, wash my hands for the 20th time, fill my water bottle or come to the kitchen to have one of my many snacks a day.

I lost 5 pounds in the last month. That's good. These last two weeks we didn't exercise as much as usual, but still it is difficult for me to eat 1800 calories a day. I lost weight eating that much... Enzo is sucking the life out of me, plus I'm losing my hair. That also happened with Libby when I was nursing her. I remember I was very self conscious and I would never wear my hair up in a ponytail at that time because you could see my scalp. You know what? With two children now, I don't care who sees my scalp! I mean, my husband makes fun of me...

Eventually my hair will come back. When I look at myself in the mirror I actually like my bold spots. They make me laugh :)

First time eating cereal

Libby is great. I don't know where to begin with her. Well... she's been hurting my feelings every day lately because she demands my attention constantly, but whenever she has me for herself (when Enzo is napping) she doesn't want to do things with me anymore. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but it hurts. I ask her if she wants to read books with me or play with me, and all she says is no. She says NO now, instead of Nah. You have to ask her to say NO, tough, for her to pronounce it correctly.

I always like to play lion with her, chase her, tickle her, like Emerson does, but she says no. Even if I start, she starts complaining. But when Emerson comes home, she runs to meet him, and kisses him, and says Daaadaaa!! And she has fun with him. It seems I'm not the fun parent, but I want to be fun, she just doesn't like it. But if she needs a diaper change at night she yells, "Maaaa maaaa". Or when she is sick and miserable she only wants to be held by me. When she's scared because Daddy makes that awful cow sound and she starts crying, she asks for me.  I know she loves me, but at the same time, she is getting more and more independent, I guess.

So I was crying when Merritt called. I was crying because sometimes it takes a lot of effort on my part no to explode with Elizabeth. I've seen parents at Walmart that are being nagged or whined at by their children, and what they do is just hit them. Just like that. Libby needs something from me every two minutes. She wants my attention and she has it most of the time. But sometimes this week she got up from her naps, and I couldn't walk anywhere. She would grab my legs and start crying if I started walking. She felt miserable with the cold, teething, plus the ear infection I thought she had. I know she was sick... still I don't think any mother would say she enjoys listening to their children whine most of the time. So even though sometimes I feel very frustrated, I take a deep breath and control myself. Too much of that constantly, and I get my eyes twitching.

Caritas

The other day I asked her to forgive me, and I actually don't know if I should have. I was trying to suck the mucus out of her nose with that awful plastic thing, and she was so upset she began kicking, and moving away, her arms going everywhere. Her nose was so itchy, I guess, she had been picking it all the time. So when I sucked the mucus, she was going all crazy, and then I saw blood. Then she saw the blood and began yelling and kicking harder. It's a crazy scream, like her lungs are gonna burst in flames. I had to get on top of her, my whole body, grab her by her shoulders and scream, "STOOOOOP, YOU HAVE TO STOP, ELIZABETH!!"

She calmed down, I guess she was surprised I would yell like that, but she calmed down. After she calmed down, I explained to her that I wanted to make sure I hadn't hurt her, and I saw the plastic thing didn't have blood on it, so it wasn't my fault. Then I saw her picking her nose, and told her to stop doing that. I hugged her, kissed her, took her to her bedroom and said, "Sweety, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm not sorry I cleaned your nose, but I shouldn't have yelled. Would you forgive me?". She is so sweet... when you ask her to forgive you, she signs FORGIVE. I always say, "No, I am asking for forgiveness, you don't have to ask for forgiveness, it was my fault." But she keeps signing FORGIVE. Maybe she means she forgives you.

Still... I felt that I had to yell at her because she was out of control, so I didn't do anything wrong, did I? It's like when someone is freaking out and you have to slap them to snap them out of it. I think too much about what I do. Sometimes I think I'm doing a terrible job as a mom, and that I'm not doing nearly enough what I could be doing for her.

When both of them were sleeping I prayed and told God I was very tired. I said I was sorry for yelling at my daughter, and because I didn't know if I was doing the right thing in raising them. That all I wanted to do was to teach them about His love and His forgiveness, but that I felt I was falling short. Then I also said I needed His help with the fear thing about me dying. I grabbed my phone and read my devotional for that day...


Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

The key to overcoming fear at work, in relationships or in parenting is to trust God. Anyone who has raised a two year-old or a teenager knows what it means to be terrified and discouraged! And yet God doesn't ask us to be courageous- He commands it.

How can we build the kind of faith that overcomes fear- fear that our kids will be hurt by others or hurt someone, abuse substances, make sexual compromises, or not come to know the Lord? Trust in God develops as we obey His Word and experience His love.

Trust in God conquers fear.

LOVE

I felt loved by God when I read this. I felt so freaking loved. I felt He had come to me that day and said, "It's okay, my child, cry. Get rid of all the stress, get rid of all the things that you are trying to control, and just trust ME. Trust me so your children would see that, they will follow your example. Let go of all your fears". 

And I cried... a lot. I was kind of sad also because Libby didn't want to play lion with me that day, and it had been ten minutes after the plastic nose thing incident. I felt comforted by a God who has experienced pain. I felt I was not alone. When I was done crying, I talked to God and told Him lots of things. Then Merrit calls. She asks what I was doing, and I said I was just crying and getting rid of my stress. I didn't mention the fact that I had had a personal encounter with God by the way... and then after my son decides to throw her a crying welcome the next day, she thinks I cry because they behave like this all day, ha ha ha!!!

Nop... I cried because God shows up whenever I need Him the most in my life.

So, yes, Libby is great. She sounds - bear with me- A, BIBI, MEOW, DUH DUH, PFFFF (ELEPHANT SOUND), F, GAGA, H, I, KAKA, LELE, M, NANA, PPP, SIGNS R, S, TAAAA, YAAA, ZZZ.
   

Libby's letters

My dad told me I need to buy her more things so that she can learn. That's another thing that stresses me. I honestly think she is really smart. I tell her God has a plan for her life, I talk to her about God on our walks, and I am sure God has great things in storage for her. My dad says it's my own fault that now I have to look for something else to keep her mind busy. He says I have spent all this time teaching her new things that she just wants to learn more and more. Best compliment I've received from him as a mom.

Today we went walking to HEB to buy some groceries. We stopped to buy a cupcake, too. I gave her money, and she paid for it. She was so excited when I gave her the money and she gave it to the girl, and got her cupcake. She then gave the cupcake to Emerson so that he could put it away. She signed EAT like crazy. She really enjoyed it at dinner time. Not the whole thing, though, she would still be running around the house if I'd given it all to her.

This girl needs to be motivated. I don't know what else I can do. I want to buy some posters to start teaching her the days of the week, you know, like those in the kindergarten classrooms, so that she sees everyday what day it is. And maybe a clock so she learns time, like a stop watch or a real clock. And some fake money to count, too. She really likes to learn. She likes to play with her toys, but she gets bored easily. I guess stuffed animals are not fun when your mother lets you do real life with her, like the cupcake tonight, or takes only YOU to the store to buy your own milk and yogurt with your own little shopping cart.

Gatita

What she really likes, though, is teaching Enzo what she knows. She is such a great big sister. She brings him toys without me asking, and teaches him the shapes - I do most of the talking, but she shows the shapes to him.

I don't know everything that is on her mind because she doesn't speak!! But today she read -well, I read- all the numbers and letters in a license plate, and she pointed to all of them without a mistake. She knows X, she just doesn't know how to make the sound. And she knows the numbers, but all she says is IGHHH, IGHHHH, when she is counting. She is also reading her books on her own. I have no idea what she is saying, but she is reading.

High heels

Because of all this I was telling Emerson I should teach her to read, you know, little by little, small words like cat, bat, pat. I don't know, stuff like that. I just feel I'm going nowhere because she refuses to talk. I wonder if her brain is stuck between languages. Maybe her tongue is because she understands commands and phrases in both languages, but I don't know which one she will choose when she starts speaking for real. She pronounces No as you would in English. And says Dowww for down. She says Mah, but I don't know if she means Más or More. Whenever I tell her she should say Más, she just sounds the S.

She helps me a lot with Enzo. She gets a yucky face when he throws up; she goes and gets me the wipes, nonetheless, without me asking. She also chooses Enzo's onesie everyday, and gets excited when I tell Enzo that his sister chose his clothes. She likes affirmation and that I smile when she does something right. That's what I do all day. I'm so proud of both of them, how they love each other. I pretend they talk to each other. I'm not crazy. Like, if she gives me the onesie for Enzo, I say, "Look, Enzo, your sister got this for you". Then I say, "Here's your onesie, baby brother". Then I say, "Thank you, sister, I love you so much". I don't know, they seem to like it. Hopefully it has helped because Libby is very kind to him and to other children around her.

She also buckles herself onto her highchair, and buckles Enzo when I put him on the rocker. Oh... I can take showers with both of them in my bedroom now. I told Libby the other day that I trusted her, put some books and cards for her to play with, and left Enzo on the rocker. They were fine. I peek on them every two minutes, but I feel more at peace. I used to leave them in their room, but Libby is tall enough to get out of the crib now, she just hasn't figured that out. I don't want to leave her alone in case she would dare jumping.

"Oh, no!"

Guapito

 

At the office

I forgot mentioning that Emerson spanked Elizabeth the other day when we were waiting for my medicine at the CVS drive-thru. I was surprised that he actually did it. Sometimes he tells her he'll do something, but it ends up being a joke. Like, "If you don't come here, I'll tickle you". So when I heard, "Elizabeth, stop kicking your mom's seat or I'm going to have to spank you", I just thought, "Oh, no... now he actually will have to do it."

She defied him. "Oh, don't you think I won't", he said. And I felt kicking on my back once more. He did spank her, three times. He got out of the car... no, correction. He couldn't get out of the car because his door was on the side of the drive-thru. He moved the car a little bit to the right, got out, unbuckled her, told her she was going to be spanked three times, and spanked her. Diaper out and all. It was good my medicines took so long. She cried because he never does that. She signed FORGIVE  right away and didn't kick my seat anymore. I'm proud of him. He said it hurt him more. I know it did.

But at the same time, I know that when we follow through, they really appreciate boundaries. Like yesterday, she discovered that her white ball was under the TV stand - it had been there for more than a week. She asked me for help, but I was busy in the kitchen. I told her she could go under the TV stand, that she had permission to do it. I said, "Go ahead, sweetheart, I'll watch you do it. You may do it". But she got up, pointed to the TV stand, and signed to me that was a No, No. She knows she is not allowed. I thanked her for being obedient, even when I had told her she could go under. I stopped what I was doing, and gave her the ball.

Today she asked me for a smoothie in the morning, but I told her I would give her her usual glass of milk. Then Harry came and made the sign for smoothie.  Of course I gave her a smoothie ;)


Look at this...

My boy and I

Ahhh... my Enzo. He is such a sweet little boy. He also eats like a pig. He started on solids only two weeks ago and he's almost finished with three boxes of baby cereal. He also likes bananas, apples and papaya. He doesn't like rice cereal very much, but he likes oatmeal and barley. We'll try the whole wheat later. At least he likes the baby cereal. Libby never ate it.

He is such a little man, he likes watching TV. He could be watching TV all day long. He also likes Harry and El Raton Vaquero since those are the things we play around here. He's very smart, too. I actually think he seems more aware of what's going on around him than Elizabeth was. He even laughs when he sees something funny on TV. It might be that he's being more stimulated than Elizabeth was at that age.

When I had her I had no idea what to do with her all day long. I think she was like four months old when we buy her a book, ha ha ha! I would just look at her all day, carry her, sing to her, but it didn't feel natural until later. I don't remember when I felt like a mom, you know, like, "I can do this thing".

But Enzo hears letters all the time, numbers, we read books, we watch shapes on Youtube, we sing and play, we do fun stuff. He's too heavy for the swing we borrowed from Merritt. He usually uses the rocker that was Libby's to sit down. He moves his arms a lot, and he really has fun playing with the gym.

Handsome at 4 months

I don't think I'm as anal as I was with Libby regarding a schedule. I mean, he wakes up at five in the morning almost everyday, and goes back to sleep. I wake him up at 8 am, but mostly, he wakes up on his own, it's like he knows. He nurses, and two hours later, I give him some cereal. Sometimes he can hold it, but other times, he is too tired to eat and he goes down for a nap. It's the same thing every day. But I didn't work hard to put him on a schedule, he pretty much did it on his own.

Watching TV no matter what

I am so happy that I have a boy and a girl. I don't imagine it being otherwise. I love my boy. I love his eyes, and the smiles he gives me in the mornings when he wakes up. I don't like that high pitched cry he has when he's very tired. Even Libby and I look at each other like, "It' time to go night, nights",  and she gives him kisses.

I cannot talk much about him or describe all the things he does, because he doesn't do much... yet. I don't want to think about the day when both of them will be walking and running around the house. Well, I don't even want to think about when Enzo will be able to crawl. I think is going to be super fun. Really, not sarcastically speaking. I think he will be following Elizabeth everywhere, and she will be more than happy playing with him. She is now. Sometimes she gets under the gym with him. And he looks at her with admiration in his eyes, like he knows she is his big sister.

   

Playing with Daddy

We bought him his own high chair. The four of us have dinner together now. We used to feed him on the rocker, and still sometimes I do, in the mornings. He sometimes gets out of control. I think he really enjoys food, more than Libby did. He sucks his fingers after every bite of food, and gets all messy. Emerson ended up wrapping his arms so that he wouldn't make a mess of himself, but I don't want my boy looking like a crazy baby in a straitjacket.

Crazy Enzo

4. My view on all this.

I don't know what to think about it anymore. I was thinking today that being afraid of dying is basically the same thing as being afraid of Emerson losing his job. I know God has blessed him with a wonderful job. It's not certain he will always have it, but I'm not afraid because it makes no sense to be afraid of something that hasn't even happened yet. Why would I worry about Emerson losing his job? It is a possibility, it always is, but the truth is that today he has a job. Today I'm thankful for that blessing.

Now... There is the certainty of dying. I mean, Emerson may or may not lose his job, but I'm 100% sure I will die one day. I've realized I'm okay with that. I know I'll die, it's not like I have control over it anyway. I guess I just want it not to be soon. I want to see my children grow older. And their children after that. 

I asked Emerson this evening if he thought there was ever a point as a parent when you are ready to let go of life. Like  if there was ever a point where you may think, "I'm satisfied with my job as a parent, they are grown up, I can let go. I'm ready". 

He said he thinks there are two most precious moments as a parent. One is to see that your children are responsible adults and that you are friends with them. The other one is having grandchildren and being involved in their lives - as children, I guess, because when they're 20 they won't care much about Grandpa or Grandma. He said that's going to happen to him when he's 80. And he's not ready to let go of life until he's at least 80.

My days are numbered. I don't know how many more I'll have. My goal is to live every one of them as if it were the last one, but not with fear it will be the last one. I want to do everything with them, enjoy my children and my husband. Today I didn't die. I didn't worry today, by the way, but if I had, it would have been a waste of a day because I'm still here, as of Saturday, Feb 23rd, at 2 am.

I want to get to the point of saying, just like with Emerson and his job, "Dying is certain, and getting sick, real sick is a possibility, but I don't have to worry about it. Today I'm still here. Let's make this one day that I do have count"  

I'm on my way there. Thank you for today, Lord.  

"Let's pray..."