Life after 30

There comes a point in your life - at least in mine- when you have to reevaluate everything you have been doing. I guess it's just a coincidence it has come to my life exactly now that I've turned 30.

My birthday was great and all... it's just that life has been a little bit difficult lately, lots of anxiety even when I know I shouldn't be anxious. My life is perfect, and that's probably an overstatement. There are always dirty dishes to wash, and the guilt that comes from having to wash them, instead of using those 20 minutes to play with my children. There is also the satisfaction of knowing that I didn't use the dishwasher. Besides household chores, there are always two children crying in the background, diapers to change, and six too many times I have to drop everything I'm doing to stick my boob into Enzo's mouth so that he can eat. 

But all those are my blessings. We are all healthy, and we have a wonderful life together, my husband and I. We all love each other very much in this family of four - and Dori.

Dad and Enzo

Now that I am 30, I understand better what it means to love someone. It kind of sucks the way I relearn to do it, but that's how things work sometimes. That doesn't mean I love people like God loves them, but I finally got the idea that you can really love someone without having to agree with them all the time. 

To be honest, I couldn't understand my feelings towards my parents all this time. They both have driven me crazy since I remember. I didn't like the way they were, and sometimes - most of the time - I'd been too honest about it. But I love them. I really love them. I may not like them sometimes, but I finally realized they will always, always be my parents, and I want them to remain being my parents. I also realized there are times when I don't want to have anything to do with Mexico, but for the last couple of weeks, Mexico has been in my mind all the time. And for the first time since I left, I wish I could take a plane to go there, and be with my family. It's like I  need to be there, just being with them.

Long story short, my dad had to have his leg amputated. No details now, just facts. It happened because it was either his leg or his life. 

He likes tummy time if Sister is around

Just talked to him on Skype for the very first time since the surgery - the second surgery. He looks fine, he actually looks very healthy, I mean, he lost weight, obviously. But nothing has changed - he just has only one leg. I never thought I would say this, but I missed my dad.  

I think I lost my dad when I was 17 years old. And it's funny to say this because I tried to ask for forgiveness just a while ago, but he said that apology was out of the question, that he had nothing to forgive me about. That he understands I moved to another country and blah, blah. I guess he's thinking I meant forgiveness for the last 5 years, but I meant the last 13. Anyway... it doesn't matter, he is as stubborn as a mule.

At 17 was when I gave up on hoping he would ever tell me how much he loved me. When I needed his love the most, he wasn't even around. And people would tell me it was because of me he wasn't around, and that's true. He came to California to work so that I could go to an expensive college. Then I changed my mind, and dropped out of that college, because I didn't even like what I was studying. So I started going to this public college, where Dad didn't have to pay a dime. I asked him to come back, but he didn't. I didn't see him for three more years. I didn't need that money to go to school anymore. Why wouldn't he come back? It was then when everything went crazy, and I let my feelings about my dad being distorted. I started to think he really never loved me, and that I didn't have to love him back. 

Bumbo time

Okaaay...

All this I still felt until Dad had surgery - the first surgery- two weeks ago. When they went back to Mexico after helping with Enzo, my dad fell. His right leg was really swollen, but it took him two months to agree to go to the hospital. Once there, they told him it was a death or life surgery he had to have. As it turned out, his right leg was full of blood cloths, that thank God didn't travel to his brain, lungs or heart. The doctors were amazing, but after coming back home, his foot didn't respond as they had expected since there were more blood clots they couldn't get rid of the first time. 

I hope that with time my dad will be able to see how blessed he is to be around. For all I know, the fall actually helped for these symptoms to develop. The blood clots had been there for I don't know how long, and he was a ticking bomb. He could have gone to bed one night and not wake up the next morning. There was nothing else to do for that leg. We prayed for a miracle, the miracle being what we  wanted: for the leg to be saved. But sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers exactly the way we expect Him to. We also prayed for his salvation, and for this situation to bring healing to his heart, to reunite all the family, and many more things. 

I know God's got this. It's obvious He is working in my parents' lives in such a powerful way... As a result of this situation, people in my family are changing, relationships are changing. My dad quit smoking. He stopped drinking alcohol, diet coke, or eating mayonnaise. He is having bananas and papaya for breakfast. What about that? Just unheard of in him. He now drinks only water. It must be difficult to quit cold turkey the things you love the most.

I'm proud of him. I thought he would die smoking, that he would actually die because he would never, ever, be able to stop smoking, even when he knew he had hypertension. I thought he would die because he drank 2.5 L of diet coke every day, and ate at least 1/2 cup of mayonnaise at every meal. God really works in all things for the good of those who love Him. God didn't cause this. And there might be many different explanations for what happened, but it doesn't matter now...

Ready for the cold

Brother is ready, too

My dad is alive. He doesn't have a leg, so what? His identity is not associated to a part of his body, he is my dad because he is my dad! For all I care he could be blind, deaf, mute, or without a penis, but I love him with all my heart. And I understand he's going through a hell of a personal situation, that he has to persevere, and I don't know, accept all this eventually... But I'll be there every day on Skype, like I've been lately, to make sure he hears the message I couldn't tell him all this time: I love you, no matter what. I need to make sure he hears God speaking through me saying, "I've got this, it's going to be okay, Carlos. I love you, no matter what." 

By the way, he tasted diet coke yesterday, just for the sake of it. They told him he could have a glass every now and then, but he hated the flavor. Libby had been praying that God would give him strength to leave all those bad habits. God is faithful. Dad said he wants to do the same with a cigarette, just to see if the same happens. We are actually grossly praying that he would throw up at the taste of it.   

You can really do all things through Jesus who gives you strength  And I have no idea if my dad has really surrendered his life to Him, but the people who have are praying for him. My pillow is not working lately, he he!! I can't stop thinking about him at night, how he must be crying and suffering... and I pray for him when I can't close my eyes. God is faithful. Dad will overcome this. He is actually already looking on the internet for a prosthetic leg. He is hopeful, and that is no one other than God working in him.

Moving on to less heavy stuff like my 30th birthday, ha ha ha!! 

My big day started with Emerson taking the day off. My handsome blue eyed son gave me roses. My beautiful and sweet curly daughter gave me a fountain pen that I think was PRETTY expensive, but since I'm the writer in this family, I'm worth it :) My mother-in law gave me a journal to write on life after 30. And Emerson gave me a pack with eight truffles. Almost fifteen days later I still have truffles. I'm not the Karla I was before, ha!

My gifts

With this situation with my dad, everybody is in a bread and water kind of diet now. My sister is eating healthier or so she says, because every time I talk to her she is eating tacos... I, however, am counting my calories and exercising for life. My ultrasound at the cardiowhatever doctor's office showed the valves in my legs don't work properly, and I need laser surgery to avoid complications in the near future. Welcome to the thirties!!

My babies signed my card. I cried.

After opening presents we got ready. We were supposed to go have breakfast to an artisan bakery called Kraftsmen. We went there, but the bakery was not there anymore. We ended having breakfast at a place which is in the same location Kratsmen was. Libby was talking on the phone with Daddy as you'll see on the photos.

Then we went to San Jacinto, and Libby liked the obelisk with the big star on top. Around the same area, there was the USS Texas Battleship. That thing is huge. That's what she said! That's what she said!

Emerson and I took turns to go downstairs. Man, it was like a city down there. There were all these rooms... the barber shop, the isolation room, the laundry room. I can't imagine sleeping in those kind of beds, just hanging from chains, not to mention the waves in the ocean. The longer I was downstairs, the more stressed out I began feeling. And I'm not saying I saw a ghost or anything of that matter, but just the thought of knowing there were people who actually were there or died there at some point in their lives made me feel really nervious. My heart began racing, and the light some rooms had... My gosh! It was really dim, I don't know, I just felt like leaving. I began running, and ended up in another room that had one of these old typewriters. It was so old, I actually imagined a man there just typing a letter. 

What do I know? I just wanted out of there!! I finally found the stairs, and when I was back at the deck, I was in a completely different spot from where I had left Emerson and the children. Great, now I was lost on the freaking boat. It's a ship, Mommy. Yes, I know, Libby. It's a ginormous boat.

 

Daddy playing

Downstairs. Just awful!!

We had lunch at Outback, Libby liked the blooming onion, of course. We stopped at the Children's Museum because we had a free pass, and it was really relaxed since it was Friday evening. Libby played like a silly monkey on the tot area, and she also liked the HEB grocery area. Enzo had fun playing with Daddy in the pool.

Enzo swimming

Libby shopping

Then Merritt called saying they were going to leave town, and that they had something for me. Yeah, right... they never leave town. It was a surprise party, but I pretended I didn't know. I just wanted to come home and relax, but I'm thankful Emerson thought about a party with our closest friends from church and Merritt.

This is actually Christmas at Merritt's :)

We came home, put everybody to sleep, and I think we went to bed soon afterward. It was a very good day, a perfect day for me. I didn't even wash one dish that day, I didn't cook at all, and I spent all day with my husband and my children. I wonder - and I'm not judging people, okay?- how is it that people can say that I am very lucky, or that anybody is lucky for that matter... This kind of luck doesn't even exist, if you know what I mean. Sometimes it's too good to be true.

I am not lucky. I am infinitely blessed by a God in heaven who loves me. Why He loves me, I don't know, just because He created me, and because I'm His daughter. I just know He loves me, no matter what.