domingo, 3 de agosto de 2014

Thoughts on Chennai at 2 am :)

We went to the mall yesterday to walk around. Libby and Enzo needed some floaties for the pool if I'm gonna take them with me while Emerson is at work. Daddy starts going to work tomorrow. It's gonna be interesting to be on my own at the hotel :S But I'm happy he'll get out and do what he likes. He needs free time from my two children who are at their worst behavior ever.

Libby is so clingy, whiny, disobedient. Enzo just cries and cries for whatever fly flies around. Last night when I was about to pass out (I was so tired since I'm not napping during the day anymore) I heard Emerson telling me he thinks Libby is so clingy because I'm the only constant in her world. Very Daniel Faraday stuff (if you've watched LOST). 

But everything has changed drastically for her- really. We left everything she knew back in Houston. Then we moved to Mexico for a month, and now we are here. But I've been there all this time, so she holds on to me. Literally. I cannot leave her alone in the bathroom because she wants me to hold her hand to get out. Enzo is another level, I guess, according to Emerson. He is not that needy right now, but he does hug me more when we sleep together, and kisses me on the cheek. He didn't do that before.

Shopping for floaties

So last night I went to bed at 8 pm. When I woke up I felt so refreshed, but it was only 11 pm. I tried to go back to sleep, and I think I did, but only to get up at 2 am. And I couldn't sleep anymore. Right now I feel tired, but not awfully tired. While I was awake, though, I thought about Libby's neediness. It made me think about God and how He wants us to need Him just like that. I mean... I don't think He wants us to be afraid, but I'm sure He wants us to cling to Him when our world is getting rocked. 

I usually get uptight when I don't read my Bible, because I really like doing that. And I had my routine and their routine of reading devotionals at night, and praying before going to sleep. But we've been out of our groove for five weeks now. It sucks balls to see people reading their Bibles on a regular basis, and live their lives not loving people... I'm not perfect in any way, but sometimes I get the misconception of God checking my bucket list. Bible reading - done. Went to church on Sunday - done. Praying when children nap - done. But I don't think God cares very much about that.

After the pool

Don't get me wrong. I think He wants me to know Him, and the only way is spending time with Him, in His word. But if He keeps score, I guess it's on how well I do the things I read. How well I show kindness to others, and patience to my children - I'm sucking at that right now. How peaceful and gentle I am. How much I am willing to love others...

Which again brings me to my point of being awake at 2 am. Emerson says he doesn't understand why I am feeling so well. But yesterday I killed it at eating Indian food, when he didn't feel like eating. He's been like a little zombie. He's up, but then he naps a lot.

I prayed before this trip. I asked God several times to help me love the people here, and the city. I wanted to be joyful, and my children to see that. And that's exactly how I am feeling. I began praying in October 2013... And now, I'm really happy to be here. And that is surprising even for me because Chennai is not a pretty city. At least not where we are. And I don't have a car, and even if I had one, I don't know where to go. No idea.

Passed out organizing crayons

But I've experienced something like that before, when I moved to the Ohio. At that point I had no idea about how much God loved me, and how much He had always taken care of me. Even after finding out, I let my past and my fears take ahold of me, and to get the best out of me. I didn't enjoy my life for a long time. But yesterday when we were coming from the mall, I told Libby that Jesus had come to give us life to the full. That doesn't mean a life free of troubles, but he wants us to be whole, and free. Free from sin. Free from fear. Free from anxiety. He wants us to live, to love, to laugh, to enjoy. He wants us to be thankful for every single thing that happens in our lives. And as I was thinking in the middle of the night, I am not going to repeat the same mistakes I made seven years ago. I won't let my fears take away what could be the best year or two years of my life with my family in India.

Libby and I were watching TV yesterday, and we saw some Indian food channel. She said she wanted to cook that recipe. I smiled, and said of course we would do that. She wants to cook, let's cook. Enzo wants to play, let's play. Life is so slow here. I mean, I might be living in a bubble because I don't get out of the hotel much. I've been here for only 2 full days, but I like it. People are warm, and very respectful. Helpful, most of them. Again, I'm in a hotel. Will see...

Eight dollars for this :))

But coming back from the mall, and during the night I felt something that had nothing to do with achievements. Like yeah, Libby was reading before she was three, but so what? That's not what matters. I want to be happy enjoying time with her. And Enzo doesn't care about his letters anyway, so I want to play with him, and slow down. We need to slow down even more. I want to teach my children to love others, and be compassionate. To the best of my human ability, and with God's help, I want to model Jesus to them. I suck very often, but I keep on trying.

I love my family. Doing the things God wants me to do means loving them well. Loving people well. All people. I prayed for this place even before I knew it was going to be Chennai. I'm only afraid God has answered and will continue to answer my prayer.

What if at the end of our time here I don't want to leave?

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