miércoles, 25 de noviembre de 2015


I feel like now that we are back, we are finally back.

We have a routine, but not really. LOL! Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed with many things I want to do, but I have to be wise in what I choose to do - if that makes sense.

I can no longer tell Libby to do a Christmas card, color it and give it to me, because she wants to do everything on her own. So today, for example, she wrote the names, wrote Merry Christmas, folded it, and put it inside the envelope. She... it was awful. She folded it but it was all folded in the "wrong" way, and I wanted it perfect. In my mind, things ought to be just-the-way-it-is-supposed-to-be, otherwise it's wrong. Or bad. Or just not the way I wanted it. 

This was a card for some missionaries in China, and I was like, "This is very special, you know".

I want God to use me and Dana said, "He is using you right where you are". And then I said out loud, "Yes, but I am upset because I don't want to be where I am. I want Him to use me where I want to be used!"

So that pretty much sums it all up. 

I had this moment of realization in which I was so unhappy, but then I look at my life and it's like, "What am I expecting to happen that will make me happy?" I already went through this with money. It took me three years to break down and finally recognize that money does not make you happy. A career does not make you happy. I am looking for joy. And in my time of anger last week, I got into my room, and I told God, "What the hell?! What is wrong with me? What is what you would have me do? What do you want me to do?"

And this song began ringing in my mind, that if you don't have any idea of who Seeds Family Worship is, then you should check them out :)

Psalm 105:1-3

And I began singing and singing and just singing to God. And the more I sang, the more I cried when I was at the Rejoice part, because I refused to rejoice. 

Rejoice about what? I asked God. My children are awful, they don't listen to me. And my life is not what I had planned, and blah, blah... And I began telling God that I knew I had a house, and I knew I had healthy children, and I knew that I had this and that... and then I thought of another Bible verse that says:

Be joyful always, pray continually, gives thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus
 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
It was like God telling me, "This is what I want you to do right now"

The Rain

I've had people telling me God cannot speak to you. But you see, this is completely against my will. Why - if not from God - would I want to do something like this? And then, my whole perspective changed.


I asked God how could I be joyful when my children do not do what I ask? How can I be joyful if there are things I want changed? How can I be joyful when I do not see any lives being impacted? I want to change the world. I want people to love God, and to come to a relationship with Jesus. But I am not anybody's savior.

Unless God draws people near Him, they won't come to Him. Even if God speaks into their hearts, they still can refuse. They can reject Him. People are driven by many different things - culture, other religion, life's circumstances. Everybody sees the world differently than I do. And I feel so overwhelmed... because I feel that if only I can show them how likely it is that Christianity is true, then, they will have to accept it, right?

NO. Nobody can say that Jesus is Lord without the help of the Holy Spirit - and that has been my mistake all along. I have tried to take it into my own hands... I have tried to do the job of God himself. And I am paying dearly for it. People's feelings got hurt, my feelings got hurt. But I have felt God's comforting me saying, "Move on. You learned, now let go. Keep moving forward" 

My joy is not supposed to end or be limited due to other people's reaction to the Gospel, and I always make that mistake. It is sad, indeed, but at the end, it's not my fault.

Also, my children... I think it is a bad joke that God can mold me into the image of His Son by using my children. But man, you can develop such patience with Enzo... I don't know if character and weaknesses are genetic, but I have a mini-me in my boy, and it's scary. He is so sensitive and so passionate. His anger blinds him, and he doesn't seem to see beyond that. He's been hitting people with shoes, and they have told me at church and at BSF to talk to him, and I'm like, "I'm working on it".

There is hope, tough. I could have easily killed one person had I had a knife in my hands at some point, so I understand my boy. I do. I do understand what he is feeling. And I can help him through it. I know he can change. I know he can learn to control his feelings, and his anger if he yields to the Spirit of God. Better to learn now than when he is 24. So, there is a lot of hope for me and Enzo working together :)

He is also very sweet. He kisses me, and today he picked a small weed for me to put it on my hair.


I was always bad at this, but I am getting better. I usually don't tell God when I am upset - even though He knows. But it really helps to just talk. That's what prayer is - for the Christian. Praying means talking to God. I don't take advantage of this on a regular basis, and I should. God is always there. He lives inside of me. I am His temple. There is so much theology behind that... that is my hope. That is my faith. And I have noticed lately that the less concerned I am about "doing" something, the more likely it is to happen. 

For example, I had this conversation with a woman at they gym in which - in just two minutes - she told she is married but has had four miscarriages. People are crying for somebody to listen to them. If only I would slow down more and listen more... And I did. I was just listening, asking questions. I was enjoying being there - with her. And then BOOM! Why would she tell me that? And she was  so sad, obviously... I had to stop myself from sharing the Gospel because she was working and she was busy.

And then I thought, Why did I not tell her anything that would give her hope? But what hope can I give her if she's Muslim? She will refuse my hope... She will look at me and said Jesus never died because she has heard that all her life. And if she's passionate about her faith, she will also tell me the Bible is corrupted and here we go again... And all this time I'm talking to God and asking Him to help me give her hope - somehow. And I'm like, "DUH! God is not limited to what I can do. He can give hope to anybody regardless of their background. Particularly because of their background. Sure, she's Muslim. So what? At some point in my life I also spat on God's face... And He reached out to me - regardless of my background."

I never get a haircut, but yesterday, I did. So this other lady just talked and talked about her family.

And Emerson thinks I am the one leading these conversations into spiritual things, and maybe he is right. I talk too much about God in my regular chatting with people. I also ask too many personal questions too often, and too quickly. With this lady, tough, we had so much in common. I guess she was able to relate to me because her family is Hispanic, and we were talking about family drama and how to break away from it while still loving your family. And I was very glad that at least I was able to make her afternoon better. She said she would love to have coffee with me one day, so she asked for my number.

YES. If I see her again, eventually I will talk about God. And I will talk about Jesus. And I will talk about how she can have a fulfilling life in which she can experience peace with God, and assurance of an eternal destiny with Him.  I will tell her how she can have a love from God that she does not have to earn, and a salvation that she does not have to work her butt off to get.

Of course I will talk about those things. I know myself by now. 

Jesus did not come to heal the the healthy, but the sick. I was sick. He healed me. Why wouldn't I share the medicine with others? If I don't share it, then either I don't believe God loves her as much as He loves me - which means I am fine with her going to hell -  or I don't believe that my faith is true. God has changed my life and I just want people to know the way God loves them.


I guess this is the most difficult thing for me. It can be. I went to a Missions Conference last weekend and I felt God is working in my heart regarding many issues going on around the world. I am thankful for many things. This might be weird, but ever since I came back from India, I'm becoming kind of a radical Christian.

I had always taught my children that God saves us so we can go to Heaven, and sure, that's a good thing. Of course, it is. But that is not the Gospel. That is not the whole Gospel. The message of the Cross is so powerful that at first it seems weak. God saved us from our sins. He saves us from ourselves. Eternal security is a given for those who call Jesus their Savior. But then what? When you read Scripture, it never assures you a life full of danger, or a life full of bliss. Laying down your life for the Gospel was something Jesus told his disciples will happen.

And that's why Christians in the other parts of the world are my heroes right now. They are living Christianity 101. Jesus said they will hate us because they hated Him first. They will persecute us because they persecuted Him first. Indeed, the hour would come when whoever kills us will think they are offering a service to God. Does this sound familiar? Isn't this what we see all around the world right now?

Jesus was meek, but make no mistake, He was not weak. He came to die willingly. He knew that the same people He had set His heart on loving would be the ones killing Him. And He still came. God himself came. And I can go on and on on giving apologetic proof on how theologically this makes sense, or how historically accurate Jesus' death on the cross is. But that doesn't work. ISIS does not give crap about that. ISIS' goals are pretty much set - they want to expand. They want to destroy Israel, Christians, and the West with all its corrupted culture.

How can we - how can I - be thankful in circumstances like this? When people are dying, when my Brothers and Sisters in the Faith are being killed in the name of Islam, how am I supposed to give thanks for that? Am I supposed to give thanks for that? People are dying for many things, call it religion or climate changes... but terror is all I see on Facebook. At the same time, Muslim women are playing with my children, taking care of them, and they want to cook for me because I told them I miss Indian food...

Make not mistake. I am not defending Islam. If ISIS does not represent Islam,  I still believe Islam is a false worldview. If Islam is the religion of peace and a beautiful religion, I still think is a false worldview. Just as Muslims in general believe I am going to hell for worshipping three gods, well, I believe Islam is false. Or Mormonism. Or Hinduism. Or Jehova's Witnesses. But now more than ever, I am able to separate any religion from its followers. And God is after the followers. Oh, boy, He loves them dearly.

His Princess

You should have seen people at the conference... people willing to die to go tell others about Christ. People praying for ISIS, people praying for the nations. People willing to go to remote places - even if they would have to die. And we do not love death. We love life. Terrorists have said they love death more than we love life... And once you have read enough to understand why Hamas loves death so much, I just cannot come with any other answer but the fact that it is the only way they think they will get Paradise. I am just praying they don't miss it...

This Thanksgiving I don't rejoice in the fact that I am safe while others are not. I am thankful for that, yes, but I don't rejoice. Let me be very clear on this. I will tell you why I rejoice.

The Trails

Today, more than ever, I rejoice in the fact that I worship a God who is alive. I rejoice because I have a Savior who died for me. I rejoice that the concept of self-sacrifice is not strange to me, but it is the way that my Lord showed me to follow. I rejoice that I can willingly lay down my life for the sake of others. Nobody will take away from me. I give it up freely. I rejoice because I serve a God who loves me unconditionally. I rejoice because He has given me life to the full here and now, and I will never look back on who I was. I rejoice because the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me, and He is greater than Satan. I rejoice because the worst thing that ISIS or anybody can ever do to me is to kill my body - but they will never kill my soul. They will never kill my spirit. They may take my earthly life away from me, but they would only make me see my LORD's face. I rejoice because death has no power over me. I rejoice because I am no longer afraid of dying. I rejoice because as long as I live, I will proclaim the Message of the Cross to anybody who would listen. I rejoice because my God calls me His own. I rejoice because apart from Jesus' blood, I am no worse than the worst jihadist. But my YHWH is a good God. And His love for me endures forever. Amen. 

THAT is radical. ISIS is not.


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