Today I cried like a baby, from 11 am-11:15 am. I think than once you've cried – at least, when I cry- you've gained perspective. I feel better after crying, and if I feel better then I am able to think better. I’ve always been that way. I don’t cry because I like to suffer, at least not anymore. I cry because whatever it is that hurts me, I need to get it out of my system. Once it’s out, it’s out. Then I can start dealing with it.
I put my daughter down for a nap at 10 am this morning. But she never slept. Actually, just now, she is taking her nap. It’s 3 pm. I put her down at 10 am because I needed to make bread. She woke up around 6:45 am, so I knew 10 am was probably too early, but you never know with her. I mean, she could fall asleep, if not, at least at 11:30 she had to be asleep. But she wasn’t.
I had finished cooking and whatever I had to do in the kitchen, but dishes where still everywhere. I needed to clean, but I wanted to have my “alone” time, relax, get comfortable with the feeling of my new pair of super sexy compression tights for my varicose veins that just got here yesterday, and drink my coffee. I didn’t even want to talk to God to be honest.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a serious conversation with Him. I mean, I know He is here all the time, but I’m so exhausted most of the time that I can’t read my Bible for more than five minutes. Honestly, I just want to have this baby… but then I won’t sleep because baby will be up all night, and you know how it is with newborns. But still, today, I felt like I really needed to talk to God just about anything, just make contact, if that makes any sense at all.
|Ohhh!! Too close, Libby, too close...|
I was so ungrateful, I guess. I thanked Him for everything: clothes, food, the fact that I don’t have to work. I was being honest. I wasn’t trying to impress Him with my many words. I asked Him for silence. That’s ALL I wanted: silence, because Libby was kicking the crib, or crying, or calling me with the, "Dahhhhh" sound she makes. I changed her diaper three times. Couldn't she just go to sleep once and for all? All I wanted was my daughter to stop making any kind of noise.
I told Him I knew she was a blessing, and that I loved her to death, but I was just so tired of the everyday life. Cook, clean, feed, cook, wash dishes. I was physically tired. I told Him I couldn’t understand why in the world I thought it had been a good idea to have a child after another when I was tired of just taking care of one. I said, "Don't get me wrong, I love the babies, I'll just have tons of work to do!!"
I cried like a baby telling Him how He couldn’t relate to me – yeah, right –because He never gets tired, so that wasn’t fair. But then I realized Jesus got tired… not only physically, but probably mentally, too. I would get tired of dealing with morons who don’t even believe I am the Son of God, and don’t do what I said. Yet He loved them and died for them.
I cried telling God how selfish I knew I was, and how I wanted to do so many things, but I didn’t have the time to do them. And my near future looked like I will never have the time to do them. Of course I want to read books! Don’t you think I want to read?? Of course I want to scrapbook! Of course I want to entertain myself with many hobbies, but by the time Elizabeth is sleeping, all that crosses my mind is “I’m done for the day.”
Libby and Baby (if you are a girl),
I LOVE YOU. I ADORE YOU. YOU WILL GET TO UNDERSTAND ME WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN AND DECIDE TO STAY AT HOME WITH THEM. TRUST ME. YOU WILL GET WHAT I MEAN.
I adore my life, but being a mother is really exhausting some days. I guess the same happens to my husband, and I understand why sometimes he is so tired of work. I don’t want my life to change, I don’t want my daughter to disappear from the face of the earth. All I want is joy and strength to keep going. All I wanted is perspective, I guess. I’ve got it, alright…
|Hugging Dori :))|
Don’t really know why a random thought crossed my mind while I was arguing my case with God, telling Him I was tired of this, tired of that… Oh, yes, and I said, “I’m just tired that my life is not my own anymore. I’m tired that I don’t get to do the things I would like to do anymore, and I won’t get to do them soon because I’m having another baby in 8 weeks. How can you relate to that?!”
It was then that I have this thought, “Did Jesus feel the same way, ever?” And I thought about Jesus being in love. Don’t really know why I thought about Jesus being in love. I mean, I could have thought about anything else, probably Jesus being interested in sports or something more manly… but I thought about Jesus loving a woman and having feelings for a woman.
The Bible never mentions Jesus being in love. It says He never ever sinned. If He would’ve been married, of course the Bible would mention it, because that would have been a big deal in Jesus' life. I believe He never married anybody.
But that doesn’t really mean He never fell in love with a woman. I believe HE never lusted after her, He never had impure thoughts about her, he didn’t sin. But I couldn’t stop wondering, “What if Jesus actually loved someone so much that He wanted to marry her?”
How easy would’ve been for the very own Son of God to say, “Daddy, I love this woman. I want to marry her. I know we had plans, but I want to live my life. I want to enjoy the life you gave me.” He was a man after all.
If Jesus would’ve done that… all of us would’ve been screwed forever. He had all the rights to do it, by all means. The Israelites had had their chance. They had proofed themselves to be idiots who would never listen to God. Surely Jesus deserved to be happy, He hadn’t even thought anything impure about a woman! He deserved to be married to someone who loved Him as much as He deserved.
And yet, probably Jesus would’ve picked someone who I wouldn’t agree with. Because that’s who I am. I am discovering the ugly truth of my own self righteousness lately, and I’m working on that, hard. Anyway… if I was crying, then I began sobbing for idiotic stuff that the Bible doesn't even say a word about. But here I was complaining to God, telling Him He couldn’t relate to my “my life is not my own” when Jesus died for me so that I could actually complain about it!
|Dori posing with Libby|
Here I was telling Him He didn't know how I felt, when Jesus couldn't even get married if He was in love because He chose to die to pay for my sins so that I could actually have a conversation with God.
He chose to die, He chose to not have a life of his own. He chose not to marry this woman – if there was ever any- so that I can live freely. What if there was actually a woman that Jesus loved? Well, that makes it even worse, because then I have no right to complain about my life not being my own, since my Savior, the guy I chose to follow has proven himself capable of rejecting the love of His life so that I could live!!
And that for me today translated as, “Karla, please, get a hold of yourself… Your daughter will grow up faster that you could possibly imagine. The time will come you won’t see her running arund like a crazy person just screaming 'Ahhhhh‘ as she runs from the living room to the patio door, and then you will ask yourself ‘Where did the time go?’ and you will be alone missing her...”
And then I couldn’t do anything but ask God for forgiveness… because no matter how tired I am, I can choose joy over bitternes. I wanted to hug her so bad and ask her to forgive me for wanting her to sleep when I wanted her to sleep. And I can still put her in the crib! The time will come when she won’t stay there, and I cried, and I laughed, and I had my dosis of God in the morning in the least expected way.
I prayed for my children to love each other with all their hearts, and to love God more than anybody or anything else, and for me to be the mother and the wife He wants me to be, and for endurance through the process of becoming more and more like Jesus – which I won’t be, not in my lifetime. I felt that my Heavenly Father loves me so much. I know He does.
And then, it was 12 pm, I picked her up from the crib, I fed her lunch, and we talked to Grandma, and we kissed each other many times, she hugged me many times, I told her I loved her many times. She finlally fell asleep in my arms after half an hour of acting up and fussing nonstop at exactly 3 pm.
And that’s the story of my day. I’m sure I’ll have many more stories once this baby is born.
I am a mother of two. This is how God relates to me. This is the God I worship.
|Libby is super strong|
Libby doesn't like fake food
Libby complaining for the spoon I took away