When Mommy cries ;)

I think this has been - by far- the most challenging day for me as a Mom. Long gone are the days when I thought having mastitis was the worst, or that stop breastfeeding my daughter was the most painful experience I would ever have to face (both physically and emotionally).

Elizabeth will be 15 months old on Friday. She is acting like a teenager. Oh, well, at least right now she is not able to talk back or run away from home, but she is a handful...Lately she is getting more and more in tune with her emotions, I guess. She loses control over everything, she gets mad and angry for every single thing, and that translates into tempter tantrums and many episodes of crying a day.

Libby at story time with Mommy

The first one of the day was a kitty cat. I didn't know who the owner was so I didn't let her pet the cat. For all I knew the cat might have rabies. She cried, she stomped, and then she threw herself to the floor - the pavement, that is- in the apartment complex. Once she kinda settled down, I tried to explain that it was for her own good that I had to make that choice. I explained to her that sometimes when we don't really knows the animals, they can harm us, and that she was my responsibility. "A waste of my time and saliva", sometimes I think, because I have no idea if she is even understanding these things I tell her, but I keep on doing it in hopes - I really have hope- that she understands what I say, or that eventually she will.

There were probably other two incidents before that major one of the day. She usually gets mad when I don't let her play with my hair brush, so this time I didn't open the bathroom door, so that she wouldn't see me. It worked for a while, but she asked for it, somehow. I gave her a Winnie Pooh one, and that seemed to work. Then she began crying because she wanted out of the pack and play but I was putting on my tights, and the crying was so intense that I - bare with me and do not judge me- felt like hitting her. Please do not tell me you have never been so angry that you haven't felt like hitting something or someone.

Libby coloring with Daddy

I did not hit her, but the thought crossed my mind. Temptations come and go, I guess. It's my choice to act on them, and I didn't. I controlled myself because I remember getting slapped in the face (so I would stop) because I was throwing a tantrum at age five or so. Or at least I think I remember because there is a photo of me before the tantrum, and there's another one of me crying while rubbing my cheek. So I don't really know if it is the photo that makes me think that I remember. I do look  very sad in that picture. At least I know the mistakes I don't want to make as a parent: I won't slap my children in the face out of my own anger hoping they would stop crying, nor I will threaten to hit them in hopes of giving them a real reason to cry, nor I will shame them in front of everybody. It doesn't work, and that's why I walked away to put my tights on the couch, but Elizabeth kept on crying.

Just yesterday I was telling Emerson I had decided not to get involved in the crying, because I become angry when she gets angry, but then, after 10 minutes or so, she behaves like nothing happened! What the heck??!!

I think I read something about it in a developmental book, this is very normal. Great... like if that's gonna make me feel better. Anyway... we read our Bibles, the Parable of the Prodigal Son. I explained to her why it is that God rejoices more over a sinner coming home, than over us that are always with Him. It doesn't mean Jesus loves them more, all God has is ours. But now we have to go look for them, and live our lives in such a way that they might be interested in getting to know more about this guy, Jesus. I'm actually thinking in inviting some people over for dinner :S

Sweet Libby

She took her nap, it was a short one, probably about an hour and fifteen minutes. We had lunch together, and Mommy cried at lunch. Elizabeth gets angry very easily when she is not able to do something. I am that way, too. I don't really think that is something you can transfer to your daughter, like genetically. On the other hand, she hasn't seen me lose control over something, so it is not like I have modeled it for her. But because I know how I feel when I can't do something, my heart goes to her every time she gets angry and starts throwing stuff. The way I was dealing with it before was that I used to take away the object she was getting frustrated with. She cried for a while, and then she would forget about it. The next day, instead of letting her play with the toy that caused the problem, I would choose to hide it so that we wouldn't have those tantrums that day. Then I stopped doing that all together, because I figured that eventually life will teach her that not everything is easy, and I'd better teach her how to deal with her frustration... and this is where we are today.   

I was very excited when I saw her eating her vegetables, "She liked shepherd's pie", I thought. Not really. She ate all the bread, but when it came to the meat or the vegetables she was asking for something. I knew she wanted a fork because she is practicing lately with it.  I asked her to sign please, and she did, so I gave her the fork. It's a metallic one for toddlers. She was doing great at the beginning. I don't really know what happened in less than one minute, but suddenly she began banging the fork against the food tray, she began crying, and in her anger almost poked her eye. Then she threw the fork to the floor... I looked at her and told her that was a No, No, that she knew she wasn't supposed to throw things to the floor, specially if she was angry. 

Lunch Tantrum - Part 1

I guess that wasn't enough, so she threw the sippy cup to the floor, and after I picked that one too, I knew what was coming: the food. I knew it because lately she throws the sippy cup, and then the food. So a smart mom I was when I took the tray away from her before she threw the food to the floor. She did throw a little bit, tough. I set the timer for five minutes. As I could - with all the crying involved, and that she probably didn't listen a thing I said- I told her that the tray was not gonna be given to her in the next five minutes, that she needed to calm down. I ignored her, and I have to confess I didn't make the five minutes of her crying, but I made three. I gave her the food tray back. I signed, "You eat, please".

But she wanted the freaking fork.

I told her she was not going to have the fork back by any means, that she was so angry before that she didn't realize she almost poked her eye, and that she had lost the privilege of using the fork for that meal. More hysterical crying. Sippy to the floor again, food to the floor again, food tray taken away from her, again. Three more minutes. 

Lunch Tantrum- Part 2

During those three minutes she was peacefully quiet. When I gave her back the food tray, she began "eating". Not really, more like pretending her index finger was a fork. I want to think she is not smart enough yet to try to play this one on me trying to make me feel guilt, or compassion, or whatever. If she did it because of that... Man, I have a smart one and I'll be facing some interesting stuff later. But anyway, I began explaining to her that the things I do, I do because I love her. That if I took the fork away from her it wasn't because I don't want her to practice, but because she was so angry she could have harmed herself. She just looked at me, whining about the fork, but not really crying, she was listening - I want to think. 

Lunch Tantrum- Part 3

I kept on telling her that I love her so much I cannot and will not allow her to do as she pleases all the time. It is because I love her so much that I must teach her to obey me, to trust me. I told her obedience doesn't come easy, that it is not something you wake up in the morning and you say, "Oh, today I will obey!". No. What comes easy is disobedience, selfishness, tempter tantrums. No one has taught her to lose her control, but she does it perfectly. And while I was giving this speech, my eyes filled with tears... It broke my heart to see or to imagine God telling us the same stuff over, and over, and over, and over again. It broke my heart to see my daughter being so angry at a stupid fork, so angry that she was willing to not eat. 

It was just very sad to even tell her "It is because I love you that I am doing this. Won't you understand, Libby? It is because I love you that I need to teach you right from wrong", and at the same time thinking or wondering if God has had teary eyes like mine when He deals with me or anybody else. So I didn't continue. I stopped and refocus my attention to my iced tea. The tears went away. I didn't want to cry not because it was wrong to cry, but because I didn't want my daughter to see me crying while I was disciplining her. I guess she saw it hurt me, and that was enough. Later I explained to her that what hurts her, hurts me, and hurts God even more.   

Less than an hour after that, the tantrum was about her pajamas, I was talking to my mom on Skype. It was awful. I put the pajamas on her, and it seemed to resolve the issue, at least for a while, but she was just crying, and crying. I don't really know what the deal was today, but it was tiring. I enjoyed it, though. It helps me to practice my tolerance to my own frustration, and to be patient, and self controlled. But I'm just ready to watch TV!

Watching Harry after the pajama tantrum

I thought she was tired, so I put her down for a nap at 3pm., but she didn't sleep. When I picked her up from the crib she asked for her milk since she was wearing pajamas. Another cry because I said no. I changed her diaper, she threw the doll at me, and the Winnie Pooh hair brush. I took them away and said, "No, ma'am, you do not throw things at Mommy because you are angry". Another cry.

And dinner was a similar story with Daddy at the table tonight... She didn't even try the fork this time, she just threw it to the floor right away, then the sippy. We took the tray away... gave it back. She tried to pull the index finger thing, but it didn't work wit Daddy either. She ate some vegetables, but after five minutes she signed she was all done, but there was no major breakdown. I told her I was proud of her for telling me she was all done without starting to throw food to the floor, and that I understood if she didn't want to eat without the fork. That was it.

Aug 22, 2012. Tantrum during dinner :))

She cried just minutes ago because she had to stop playing with La Nena to go nights nights. But now she is sleeping. Tomorrow will be another day. I wouldn't change this for the world. I love her and I love my life. Almost everything that happened at dinner was recorded on the handy cam.

I'll use those videos when she has children of her own, and calls me to complain about how difficult my grandchildren are. I'll say, "Well, let me tell you about difficult children..."