I don't have time to waste. Both babies are miraculously sleeping, especially that little Enzo. He easily got used to be held all the time thanks to Daddy. He has this cry that makes me want to comfort him, and I do, but not all the time. I wrote last time that I don't feel like picking him up every time he cries... except when he cries like this. He sounds like a little country mouse being killed.
Life is awesome. I cannot ask for anything else. I love my children and I know how blessed I am to have two beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful husband, and to have my parents alive. I guess I understand now more about my own parents. There are things I would have never done to myself if I had been them, no question about it; but on the other hand, no one taught them how to be parents, so I guess it's fair to have mistakes. I know I will make mistakes with Libby and Enzo.
|Ready to go|
It gets on my nerves to see that sometimes my mom uses the same tone of voice with Libby that she used with me. It drives me crazy. Especially the tone of voice when saying No. I make a conscious effort every day not to talk to my daughter in the same way I was talked to, and I've been successful since day one, with two bad, bad setbacks. I've done so great that I can even count them. But I have to recognize that my daughter hears a No from my mom now when trying to climb the stairs and she doesn't even go near them. I guess I just want my daughter to have options, to make her own choices one day. I'm not stupid to let her climb the stairs because it's her choice, no, I'm not talking about that.
|Mommy and Libby|
For instance, before Enzo was born, I let her play in a puddle and she got all her shoes and socks wet. It was a conscious decision to let her play, because my first reaction was to think, "No, you're gonna get wet, and I will have to clean you, and clean your shoes if they get muddy." So what? I never played with mud when I was growing up because my mom never let me, so my child will play with it, and I will even encourage her to eat it if she wants to. She will get wet in the rain, even if she gets a cold the next day. I mean, I want her to do things within reasonable limits.
However, it's really neat to see how my mom is with Elizabeth as a grandma. She is a very sweet grandma. She is very patient with her, even when Elizabeth deserves to be put in a time-out or when she is throwing a temper tantrum Why was she not like that with me?
|Ready for the pool... next year|
Like the other day we were reading a book, and I was nursing Enzo. Libby, by accident, ripped off one of the sheets, and I took the book away because I couldn't repair it right away. I told her that as soon as I finished with Enzo, we would put tape on it, and would continue reading. That was the end of the world... Libby ran to the living room crying, my mom came into the bedroom asking me what had happened. She said, "Oh, Karla, she didn't mean to." Then she told Libby, "Come here, Sweetheart, your grandpa will fix it for you, come here, don't cry, leave your Mommy alone." What the heck? I was made the bad one... I was gonna fix it later, not right away like this child demanded, mainly because I couldn't do it for having a baby in my hands.
|Hugs for grandma|
|"Don't mess with me or else..."|
I would've been treated... so different by her, to put it that way. And although I was kind of angry, I smiled, I couldn't do anything else. Several people have told me that the love of a grandparent is so different from the love you have for your children. In fact, someone told my mom she was gonna feel more love for my children than she feels for me. To my surprise she says it is true. I just cannot imagine loving my grandchildren more than I love Enzo and Libby. How exactly is that possible? How exactly did God designed all this love thing that you can love even more? It just amazes me...
It's sweet to see that Libby has warmed up to my mom, she hugs her, kisses her, and goes to her when it's time to wash her hands or brush her teeth, since she knows I'm not carrying her. It's fun to go for a walk and see that Libby wants to grab both our hands to make her fly. It's "devastating" to see how my mother spent 6 dollars on a cart so that Libby could ride it when we went to the outlets. She spent 6 bucks!! Just for the sake of watching her granddaughter ride it... I would never do that for my own child. What is wrong with me? Probably nothing. Nothing.
|Crazy about the star|
Then she bought Libby two pairs of tennis shoes, and a pair of Crocs. I had asked my mom for a coffee beforehand, but after she paid for the shoes and those Crocs, I was like, "Whaaat??" I felt Libby had taken my coffee away. My mom asked me where the coffee shop was, but I told her I didn't want the coffee anymore, that it had been enough with all that she had bought Libby, and I said thank you. After all, she had also bought Halloween costumes for both the children -Libby will be a Pumpkin Fairy, and Enzo will be a Pea Pod- so the coffee was unnecessary. But I guess, I just guess, she also loves me, because she bought me my coffee :))
On Saturday, we went to a Chinese buffet, and my mom actually liked the food, for a change.
|"Good Chinese, Mom!"|
I'm getting the hang of it now. I don't get as stressed when I'm nursing Enzo if Libby is around. We'll do great on our own when my parents leave. I see and understand that Libby is in her own world, that she can live without me. I'm the one who doesn't want to live without her. I want all my attention to be still hers, but that is kind of impossible now. I still get to teach her her letters, but not all the time like before. She gets more independent play time, and she seems to enjoy it.
She seems very comfortable around Enzo, she pets him while I'm nursing him, very gently. She also covers him with a blanket. She kisses him. She also pulls on my bra, and spends her time taking my nursing pad out, and putting it in again, countless times. Sometimes she points at my nipple, and I get to explain her that God designed breasts to make milk so that babies can drink it. That one day she will be able to nurse her babies if she chooses to be a mommy like me. I tell her that breast milk is the best milk for a baby, but that sometimes you have to give them formula. She also smells my nursing pads, and sometimes she sighs. I hope she remembers me. I remember her, and now I'm crying... I miss so much having her in my arms. I love her so much.
In some ways she will always be my girl, my baby girl. It's not that I don't love Enzo, like Emerson pointed out. It's just different. I hope, as time passes, to be able to explain exactly what it is. What I can tell you, tough, is that I try not to think about Enzo so much in between feedings because I have this uncontrollable let down reflex that is driving me crazy even when Elizabeth cries :)))