There's an episode in The Office where Jim asks to get transferred to Stanford because he is in love with Pam. Once there, he puts Andy's calculator in jello, but Andy has anger management issues. Andy asks who put his calculator in jello. After nobody answers, he ends up yelling, "I need to know who put my calculator in jello or I'm gonna loose my freaking mind!!"
You kinda need to watch the video on YouTube if you want to know how I'm feeling... I am a perfectionist. I am a tidy person - although Emerson is tidier- but I love to see a clean kitchen all the time. I don't let laundry to accumulate over tons of days, I cook, I vacuum, I teach my daughter her letters, I read to her, I do, I do, I do. Whatever happened to the super woman I was? God is crushing it, and I am honestly happy He is. It just feels weird.
Yesterday night I woke up at 3 am to nurse Enzo, Emerson was by my side snoring. I can't believe Emerson doesn't hear a thing. Enzo is such a good sleeper, too. Elizabeth had reflux now that I reflect on it. She would nurse and she would spit everything out. But Enzo actually burps like a truck driver, and goes back to sleep. He would sleep eight hours straight if I let him. But they told me I shouldn't let him go longer than five hours without food at the beginning... and so I wake up. But as soon as he eats,he gets a little bit fuzzy, but falls asleep again until 6 am. Even when he cries, he doesn't cry longer than 10 minutes, and I comfort him with such an easiness I didn't have with Libby.
Also, when he cries and I cannot pick him up as fast as I would want to, I don't feel my heart shrink with guilt like I used to with Elizabeth. I guess it's just a give and take with both. He has cried far more than Elizabeth in that matter; the fact is I didn't even know why Elizabeth cried. I thought she was hungry every time she cried. With Enzo I feel more at ease with my decisions as a mom.
|I love her so much|
Anyway... today has been just like yesterday or the day before. Libby is such a sweet big sister. She hugs him, kisses him, and gives him her toys when she is playing with them. She comes and pets him, kind of rough most of the time, but I'm ready for that. Not today, tough, she kind of hit his head, and pulled his hair... he cried, but he is okay :)
I'm feeling like I don't do anything, and I know I do. In fact I'm not sad or angry or nothing. I actually laugh most of the time whenever I see it's 11 am and I haven't done anything really. By anything I mean that thankfully Libby and I had breakfast, and Enzo nursed, too. But if it weren't for my mom or my mother-in-law when she was here, I wouldn't have time to wash dishes, do laundry, cook or clean. I feel like I go from one child to another all the time. Libby is really kind when I'm nursing Enzo, she doesn't demand my attention in a negative way. She just colors her sheets, and I am right there with her teaching her, spending time with her. I wonder what she thinks of Enzo... but really, I go from one to another.
She knows the sounds of H, M, N and S. She can really make those sounds well. Sometimes she mixes the /m/ with the /n/ but who cares? She is not even 18 months old, and sounds the /s/ without a problem. She is so kind. I know I may be biased, but I don't think I am. My mom - who has never interacted with her except for 2 months when she was born - told me she can tell Libby is very kind, that she has a very gentle spirit. That I need to teach her whatever I need to teach her so that people wouldn't take advantage of her. I guess Libby reminds my mom of herself. All I see is actually my mom when Libby is so kind with everybody.
Enzo in the other hand just wants to sleep. I hope this is not an indicator of his future attitude because he will be so lazy. I don't think so, tough. He is nursing well, he's wetting enough diapers, and although he hasn't pooped, I'm sure he will. I don't even know what else to write about except that Elizabeth and I haven't read our Bibles in more than two weeks. We gave it a shot two days ago, but couldn't do it, she began hugging me, and I began hugging her.
|Love my little boy, too|
James said, "Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says". About two weeks ago, probably a little bit more, Emerson told me about something he read on the Focus on the Family website. According to this chart, my only hope of having a shot in life based on my history, family background, etc, etc, etc, was to find Jesus. It made me cry. Not because I feel like I was a victim, but because I understood so many things. I understood why Jesus is so important to me, and really, why I do everything I do (or at least try to) trying to please Him. Who knows? All I can say is that my life before Him and after Him is like looking at two different Karlas.
And so I know who God is. I trust Him enough, and know His heart enough to know that He couldn't care less if I didn't get to read my Bible to my child today. It's not like I'm being lazy, you know? I have my hands full. My child wanted to hug me, kiss me... Was I gonna reject her for the sake of reading her a verse? No. By loving her I showed her how important she is to me, so that one day she can fully trust how important she is to God. By being very forgiving lately when she misbehaves, I hope she gets to see how patient God is with us. Of course I gave her a time out today, after the fifth time she didn't listen. After the time out, she went and did it again. I asked, "Elizabeth, again?!" I've been teaching her a sign for SORRY, and I think she signed it, but I'm not sure...
|Posing with her coloring table|
She does know how to sign Baby, and she's trying to learn Brother. She's also screaming when she doesn't like something you do. Like today, I let her stay in the high chair because I was nursing Enzo. She screamed and Grandma came to the rescue, but I didn't let Grandma rescue her. Very calmly I explained to Libby that this was the moment to choose right, be patient, and help Mommy. I told her I needed her help, that Enzo needed her help, too. That as soon as he was finished I would let her go down. And of course, she signed DOWN, PLEASE. I smiled, but didn't give in. After probably three minutes, she settled down. She is learning to be patient. Then I called Grandma.
I really hope all those things I do like biting my tongue instead of exploding, or choosing to be silly with my daughter, or just praying over different things along the day reflect Jesus in my life. Jesus said that we will be blessed if we do the things he taught (Jn 13:17). I just want my children to see that having Jesus in your life is the best thing ever, that is not about having to do, but wanting to do it out of love.
And it's time to nurse again... Oh, well, at least Libby is still sleeping :)
|Sharing El Collar de Príncipe, and smelling the nursing pad.|