"Find your happy place, because you look like you are about to lose your mind" ~ Emerson
I'm writing this while Libby is fighting sleep in her crib, and Enzo is very content on the rocker. I don't feel guilty because I'm not holding him in my arms. He doesn't need to be held more. Actually he needs to be held less since he is beginning to cry every time he feels the pack n' play. Thanks to Emerson, but mostly my mom.
I'm sad because this morning Emerson left to San Antonio for a week. I'm gonna miss him. I also feel like crying because I'm tired, sneezing like crazy and my eyes itch a lot. Elizabeth has been in the crib for an hour and is still talking... Enzo finally calmed down and is peacefully hanging out in the pack 'n play. These weeks have been something like a blur. This is happening way too fast.
|Grandpa being silly|
When we dropped Emerson off this morning, he said that I needed to find my patience, because I looked like I was about to lose it - my patience- that is. I feel like it all built up little by little. Between nursing Enzo, trying to play with Elizabeth, changing diapers, more nursing, and my family, I'm getting stressed out, and kind of mad for every little thing.
|She wants El Raton Vaquero|
Elizabeth is becoming a super whiny child. She is being rewarded for every tantrum she throws. If she cries for whatever reason, my mom comes to her rescue and tries to calm her down, which I love, don't get me wrong. But Elizabeth has discovered that whining gets Nana's attention, and that most of the time she gets her way - unless she does something really, really bad-. That crying/I-get-my-way-logic gets on MY way when I'm interacting with my child, and even when I'm trying to make decisions for her. I let it go with the ice cream, but I'm not letting it go with others things, like naps.
After thirty minutes in the crib my mom was asking me to let her out, but she is staying there for at least an hour and a half. I need to rest. I need to stop seeing my daughter running around the house for at least 90 minutes a day. I love my daughter, it's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing while raising her. Emerson is not here, most of the time he is working. And I'm not alone in this, but still it feels like sometimes decisions are on my shoulders when it comes to discipline and stuff during the day.
Like this morning in the car Emerson told Libby that if she didn't stop kicking the seat, he was going to give her a time out in the trunk, where it was cold and dark. I looked at him like, "Really? Are you really gonna do that?". I want to think he was being silly and teasing her, because if not, that's like the stupidest thing I have ever heard him say. And then you say something, and if you don't do it, eventually you are not taken seriously. I don't know... Then my mom says that I wasn't that spoiled like Elizabeth is. She is very, very loved, but I don't spoil her. I mean, I don't reward her bad behavior, I correct her, I discipline her. My mom is the one spoiling her!! And it doesn't help to be spoiled for five weeks in a row.
Stuff bothers me, it bothers me very much. Like the fact that I want Enzo to cry, but my mom picks him up. But at the same time, I should let it go, because my parents won't get to see my children very often. Elizabeth loves Nana and my dad. I feel I'm living in that tension Andy Stanley described. What does love require of me for Libby? For my mom? Probably to let my mom enjoy and spoil her grandchild, to compromise in my own mind. To have priorities right now because at the end my parents will leave, and I will resume living my life the way we have always lived it.
That being said, I felt like driving forever, until the car ran out of gas, after saying bye to Emerson. When I took off, I began singing to Elizabeth and I became her mom again. I honestly feel like crying right now. I haven't felt like her mom lately, but mostly the woman who is saying No to whatever grandma says Yes. When she whines, I get mad, I get frustrated, specially if Enzo is crying at the same time. This morning was so difficult to get them ready, Enzo peed three diapers in a row, and I have to change him again, and again. It's difficult to be thankful. I have to practice it more often. Diapers mean he is peeing, that he is eating enough.
Libby was playing with the zipper, and would cry every time she unzipped her jacket. She even threw herself to the floor crying. After both of them were in their car seats I just felt overwhelmed. I know it's not a big deal, but it is new for me. It was the first time I tried to do it, and it will get easier every time, but it was challenging. Driving home, I stopped at Starbucks, I was singing so much to Libby, and she was happy. I felt sorry for those times when I get mad, she doesn't know better, I'm the adult. This has to stop, and it will stop because I discovered my happy place.
Emerson, Libby and Enzo are my happy place. That's why I wanted to drive away, with a coffee in my hand, a baby who needed to nurse in two more hours, and a toddler who was content that her mom was singing Mi Amigo Hans. I just want to be with my family. I want the doctor to say I'm fine, that I can exercise, that I can resume my life.
I thought of Kate Barr and how insane she must have felt, and probably still feels with Kahl and the twins. I guess it makes sense now why every time she posts a photo she is drinking coffee, it must take her to her happy place, too. We really should run away together... And I understand now how freaking horrible is to have your mother give candy or ice cream to your children, let alone your mother in-law. I will never mention Chuck E. Cheese's to my mom. Elizabeth won't have a milk shake for as long as I can avoid it.
All this on my heart with Emerson gone. But it is the best for me to be alone while this is happening. He doesn't need to see me like this. He will come home to a different me, but that's a surprise.
After venting... I need to slow down. It's slow, but I need to slow it more. I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to miss my children just because I'm thinking we have to get other things done. When my parents leave, I will welcome the dishwasher in my home. And I'll buy a big calendar so that Emerson and I can schedule cleaning and cooking days, because I'm not moving a finger to clean or cook during the week.
My week will be just for them.