Two months ago my mom asked me to buy Elizabeth a costume for Halloween. I said no, mostly because Libby wouldn't even care about a costume, but also because... I don't know, I didn't feel like celebrating Halloween around here, you know?
This is my first time as a parent. I want to do it right. Perfect. Emerson sent me an article the other day where researchers have come now to think that perfectionism is in the genes. Emerson drives me crazy with the stuff he does. But I don't think I'm a perfectionist. Many of the things they mentioned, however, rang a bell in my head. For example, I was raised in such a way that I grew up thinking nothing I did was good enough. That might not have been what my parents intended, but that was the message I got. Sometimes I'm afraid of doing something new or even try because I'm fearful I will fail at it.
That being said, I have children and there's nothing I can do to reverse that, so I want to do it best. People say I will make mistakes, and I guess they are right, but still I want to do it best. I really take seriously the fact that these children are not mine, and that I will give an account for their lives to God when I die. I know God will always help me, that I'm not alone, but sometimes I think too much about the day by day stuff. I over think about, you know, stuff like:
- What will I tell them about Santa?
- What will I tell them about the Tooth Fairy?
- How will I explain -without saying that's bull- the fact that Cinderella never went to college and still seemed to have it all together ?
I promised Elizabeth the day she was born that I will never lie to her, EVER. I may be over protective with some things. I didn't like the fact that Emerson was okay with Libby watching The Omen with him, so I covered her eyes all the time. I changed fucking to freaking whenever we were reading The Art of Racing in the Rain. But he said motherfucker like if he were saying cookie.
However, I also want to have a no nonsense approach in raising her. I mean, I don't know... I need to shower every day, right? So she sees me naked. She points to my boobs, and I tell her these are my breasts, that she has breasts, that they will grow one day thanks to hormones, and that she will nurse her babies if she wants to. And I know I need to teach her modesty, but she pushes the bathroom open when she is in the pack 'n play. Now with Enzo, the door HAS to be open, because Enzo is in the rocker while she is in the pack 'n play, and I need to watch them both. Eventually I won't allow him to see me, but for now, she has even pointed out my pubic hair, to which I respond God created it for He knows what since there are a lot of theories for its purpose, and that she will get it in her teen years.
I told her yesterday that Halloween is a celebration that got started because people liked evil things, and that's why people wear scary costumes and stuff, but that we worship Jesus. We don't love Satan or anything like that, but we just want to have fun, dress up, and get candy from people we know.
I told her last Christmas that Santa is not real, that there was a man many years ago who was the actual Santa, but that man died, and people continued giving gifts to their children just to honor St. Nicholas. I told her it was okay to pretend there was a Santa if people asked her what Santa had brought her, but that it would be silly to think that a man can actually deliver thousands of gifts in just one night.
Where is the magic? Where's the illusion? My dad judges me for not wanting to lie to my child about Santa, because mo matter how white the lie is, Santa is a big one. Sue me. And I cannot make my children believe in stuff like that, to have them grow up believing in something that is not real. I don't want Elizabeth to question Jesus. What if she ends up thinking that He is not real after all? Just like Santa... You know what I mean? I think too much, but my daughter is very smart, I have to outsmart her. And I won't lie to her, ever.
So... where was I going with all this? Well, probably that I gave in with the Halloween because she looked very cute as the Pumpkin Fairy. But we won't go trick or treating around the neighborhood. It really scares me to have my children eat candy from people you don't know. Regarding Cinderella, Auntie Kate sent Libby some Legos... I told Libby we will watch some movies with princesses, but that I needed to warn her most of those stories, although cute, were not real. That you don't find your Prince Charming out of the blue. That there is no right person for you, and that you can actually feel or have chemistry with many people... but to LOVE someone involves effort, commitment, and that in order to have a wonderful marriage you have to love God first.
I also told her that no one lives happily ever after, not if you marry someone, because marriage is not easy. I just want her to use her brain, to learn to use her brain, and not believe everything she sees or hears. I guess I just want her to be the little girl I could've been, which in itself is sick because sometimes I feel I'm raising myself the way I would've wanted to be raised. Who knows? I'm just trying my very best... And when I look at her, how gentle she is, how kind she is with everybody, how patient she can be while waiting for her food, how freaking smart, I can't do anything but thank God for allowing me to be her mother, and also for allowing me to experience ALL that I have experienced so that I could be the mother I am. Yes. Humbly I say I AM A DARN GOOD MOM.
|Love the booties|
In another note, Enzo is very good at night. He has compassion on me. He eats and goes to sleep right away. He seems to eat just enough to get by, but he pees a lot, so he must be getting what he needs. I can't wait for him to get his shots, that way we can all go to the office walking or just get out of the house to get coffee. I need to ask Emerson for a coffee allowance - and I am not kidding- I need to get out of this house.
Libby is super heavy or I lost my strength. I need to exercise. What else? Libby fell flat on her forehead the other day while coming back from the office. Her hands didn't help too much.
She won a coloring book and crayons for the coloring contest at the office. She knows now how to brew coffee on her own at the office. No kidding, I will post a video, I promise. I lost all the pregnancy weight. Today I weighed 132 lb. My belly sucks, tough. I want to exercise so bad, not even to tighten my belly, but because I have to keep up with these two, I want to carry Elizabeth, I want to throw her in the air, and I don't want to gasp for it.
|Enjoying the prizes|
I am so thankful that my mom is here, that she came to help me. I honestly don't know what I would've done without her. I still don't know how I will manage two on my own. My mom gives Libby her lunch while I'm nursing Enzo, but I don't get to have dinner sometimes until it is 7 pm. How will I do that on my own? The truth is my mom doesn't let Enzo cry, but I guess that's going to change because I have to eat first to take care of them!
My husband gets here tomorrow night. I've missed him so much. One week without him was too much. I don't want my life to change, but it will change, everything changes for good or even bad sometimes. God never changes, tough. He is awesome :))
|"Here's you candy, Mommy"|