Bring it on, toddlerhood!!

There have been times in my life when I have felt almost dry spiritually speaking. Those times were difficult, I guess, but only at the beginning, when they started happening. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.

With time, and with the help of godly people in my life, I realized those times are normal. The fact that they bother me is actually good. The fact that I feel angry or "frustrated" with my lack of activity in the spiritual arena - outside my home- is a good thing, like my friend Jeff explained to me the last time (and only)  he visited us in Houston. It would be bad if I didn't care...

As I told him, I don't really know if it was because BSF is in recess for the summer or  something else, but I felt I wasn't growing spiritually. I also know that my spiritual growth is MY responsibility, not my pastor's, not Emerson's. But somehow, I've been feeling like I am not being spiritually fed. Anyways, long story short, we talked about those moments in your life when you've probably heard many sermons on forgiveness, tithing, bla, bla... It is good to know you are mature-ing, therefore, is not about you anymore. 

What I mean is that there is probably a point in your life when you will start to make disciples, instead of just being interested in getting all you can from  a teacher. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know more, but I think... you know, like Jesus said, "What's the point? You can know everything about me, and still you don't do it..."

He didn't say exactly that, I was just paraphrasing what his brother James wrote..."Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do."

Trying on a hat

So, yes, all this I had to say as my background to explain how important it is for me, and challenging, the fact that Elizabeth is no longer that sweet-all-the-time- baby she was when she was 6 months old. Do not get me wrong, she is very sweet, and I adore her, totally. But the temper tantrums are escalating to a magnitude that I had never foreseen. Although the book and her doctor said these days would come, everyday is a battle of the wills, where, I am glad to say, when appropriate, my will always wins. But it is exhausting.

I don't think I am spiritually starving... if anything I'm in awe of everything God is capable of doing. I am in awe of His creation. Lately it has been tough just to sit and relax, you know, and chat with God. I can't do that. But sometimes I have to force myself to do it, otherwise I would lose it, literally. When I have "free" time, I have to cook, or clean, or fold laundry... What I really want to do is just make myself a cup of coffee, sit down, and read my Bible for as long as I can, like I used to do before Elizabeth was born, or even when she used to sleep for three hours in a row.

So anyway... yesterday I listened to Andy Stanley online. I like Andy. He is a person who I know is not perfect, I know because no one is, but He made me smile. There are few pastors who have motivated me to change. I know this is my problem, you know, like it is my responsibility like I said before. It is not a matter of who is preaching, but the message being preached, I get that. But I mean, in all honesty, sometimes the teacher makes a difference. Andy just did that in my day yesterday. He and the message being preached gave me hope for the days to come. 

The sermon was about prayer. How do you pray? Do you pray at all? Is there a correct way to pray? I didn't want to listen to the sermon to be honest, but I did, and I'm glad I did it. 

Basically, he explained that the Jews of Jesus' time used to pray giving a spectacle or using many words. But Jesus said that is not how it is supposed to be done. Nowadays pretty much no one prays in front of others to be seen, mostly because they would think you are a freak anyway, so that is not a problem in our society anymore. But the many words are the problem. There is no way you are going to try to convince God of giving you something if it is not in His will for you. I am understanding that better lately, and I am very happy for the way I am getting to understand it, through my daughter...

Trying on another hat

Just today, today... my daughter threw several temper tantrums because I said No to some of her requests. She was playing with her shoes, but then she decided to start chewing on them, and after several warnings, I took them away. She threw herself to the floor and signed please many times, but I still didn't give them back.

She also signed please when she saw me drinking my coffee, and I didn't gave her coffee. I took the time to tell her that coffee is not for babies, that one day, she will drink coffee if she wants, but that day wasn't today. And she threw herself to the floor, and cried. She signed please, but I didn't give her any of my coffee.

Less than an hour ago, I gave her a bath. She was trying to play with the water faucet in the bath tub, but I changed my position so that I was in front of the faucet, not her, she could have an accident if she stands up and bangs her head, or her face on that thing. She kept on trying to reach for it, and I didn't let her. Guess what? She cried... she didn't throw herself to the floor, probably because I was carrying her out of the tub, but changing her diaper was indeed an ordeal. I told her one day she will understand that Mommy has to say No to many of her requests because Mommy loves her. And that although Daddy and I are not God, God gave us the job of being her parents, and take care of her. Sometimes we say No because it is the thing we have to do, not because we don't love her, but because we do love her, and we know better.

Andy said that when we pray, sometimes we just jump to ask things from God, you know, without even realizing who we are really talking to. That is the reason the Lord's Prayer starts with: Our Father, who are in heaven, hallowed be your name...

God is the very Creator of this world. He is in heaven, He is pure, holy, perfect. We get to talk to Him. He is our Father once we have a relationship through Jesus, He is our authority, but we don't see that. We just try to bend God to do what we want Him to do for us like a genie, but God is so big that He won't settle for that. 

"Aren't you glad God said No to some of your prayers?", Andy asked. 

"Yes, I am, Nena. Yes, I am very, very glad. Let me tell you two true stories..." She won't ever remember those :))

Then Andy continued saying that the next part is where we should spend the most time: Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Before asking anything, anything from God, we have to reach the point in our prayer time to acknowledge that He knows way better than us. We should reach the point where our will is in sync with His will. That is what gives you peace after praying. That's why you shouldn't beg. No matter how much you beg and say please, please, please (like Elizabeth for coffee) if God knows is not in your best interest, He won't give it to you. He just won't. 

Face after tantrum. BTW, this was taken yesterday.
 This tantrum was because she couldn't open her Smurf purse 

Once you reach that point, consciously, of wanting His will for your life, then you realize you don't really have to spend hours or many long prayers to ask something from Him. Andy made a very good point. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus prayed like 20 seconds. Andy paraphrases Jesus like, "Okay, Father, let's do this. I know it is your will to raise Lazarus from the death. It is my will to raise him from the death. I'm pretty much just praying so that these guys can see I am actually praying". And BUM! Lazarus came back to life. 

But when Jesus prayed the night before His crucifixion, He prayed all night long... It was difficult for Him to align His will with His Father's will. He even asked God to take the cup from Him if He was willing, but Jesus also told God, "Yet, not my will, but Yours be done".

I was feeling guilty the other day because it seems sometimes that nothing matters to me. Nothing worries me very much lately. My mom is sick, yet I told Merritt that it's not that I don't care, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not there, I have no control over any of it. We also don't really know what's gonna happen with the green card. If we go back to Mexico, then we go back. I don't want to go back, Emerson doesn't want to go back, and I have told God that, many times. I have actually prayed, "Please, please, please, don't ask us to go back", but after begging, I end up saying, "Take us wherever you want us to go. If you want us to stay here, that would be most wonderful, but we want your will in our lives, wherever that is."  

I got into an argument with Emerson yesterday because I get mad every time Elizabeth cries for no reason. I don't explode against her, but you can see I'm angry in my face. I know I'm wrong. I put her to sleep today, and all she did was crying. She cried if I changed her diaper, she cried if the diaper was wet, and scratched her diaper. I don't really know if she is sick or what. I feel so impotent sometimes. I know she is not sick...

I hugged her today before nap time, she kicked me, but I began telling her how much Mommy really loved her, not matter what she did, not matter what she said, that I was always going to love her. I felt regret for being mad at her sometimes because I am the adult, and I asked her to forgive me. 

She doesn't know better, that's why I am here for. That's why God gave us this job, to teach her right from wrong, to train her in the way she should go, to tell her about God, and His goodness, and His mercy. She has to see me living it. 

Today it was so funny... I put her down at 3:20 pm, I was mentally tired after being listening to her crying over almost everything. She also cried because she brought me her pajamas and asked me to put them on, I did, and then she started crying because she didn't  want them on. And then, I took them off, and she cried because I did that!! And she also cried because I took away the lion she pushes because she was angry, and started throwing stuff out of anger. 

When she cries, I don't have the patience to explain every time why I do the things I do. I don't even want to explain. I don't think I have to, I'm not even able to, because she is so loud with her cry that she is not even listening... 

Tangled helping Momma

This is about to get freaking worse... So I was saying it was funny today, because after I put her down for a nap - that she didn't take- I came to the living room, and prayed. I did it the way Andy said. I guess my greetings to God are always like, "Thank you for the day", or "Thank you for this beautiful morning",  and there's nothing wrong with that, but this time, I really wanted to ask Him for help. I am not a genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no way, no way, I can do this child rearing on my own. Heck, no! I cannot take this everyday and deal with it on my own strength.

So without many flagrant words, but good ones, I told Him I knew He was the real deal, and that I loved Him so much... That I was thankful for Jesus dying for me, and for all He has provided. I told Him I knew we were no less dependent on Him now than we were when we just came to this country. I thanked Him for Elizabeth, and then I asked the most "idiotic" thing in the world. Well, idiotic for people who want it easy in life. That's not me.

I asked God something I knew He will never, ever, say No to. I asked Him to conform me, through Elizabeth and this season in her life, and through Baby's life, to conform me more and more into the image of His Son. That's somewhere in Romans... I told Him, I wasn't asking for the tantrums to go away, because I knew He wouldn't take them away. I asked Him for His wisdom, and His love in raising my children. I told Him I knew it was going to get worse, but that all I wanted to be was the mom He wants me to be. But that I need His help in order to do that. 

I sang him a song from Seeds, the one that says that He who began a work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I told Him I knew He wasn't finished with me yet. I began crying just telling Him how afraid I was of doing something wrong with Elizabeth, that I was so afraid of making mistakes, but that I knew I will because I am not Him. Then I asked Him to help my mom, to give us the green card, and other things that I could remember from my prayer log. 

At the end, I asked Him to help me sleep. I said, "I don't want to beg, but please, help me sleep, just 20 minutes, an hour, whatever... help me rest before Emerson gets home." Best prayer session in many weeks, because I slept like 20 minutes, but I guess it was so deep that I drooled all over the pillow.

So next time someone tells me it is easy to be a stay-at-home- mom, and that I have it "easy" because I don't use my brain at a "real" job, I will punch them in the face. 

My 13 month-old and my 28 week-old biggest blessings.