If you are a follower of this blog, please disregard this post. Do not read it if you do not want to read about my crazy life, and how I deal with my issues. This is not a post about Elizabeth, and how blessed I am to be her mother. This is not about wisdom or parenting. It's more for my personal records, as to remember that these are the things happening in my life now. Since I quit writing my diary, I feel I need to record this somewhere.
Last night was the very first night that I felt I couldn't take care of my daughter. It made me think of how awful it must be to deal with postpatum depression, becuase I really felt hopeless. It was the first night that I felt I had given up on Elizabeth.
Elizabeth has been waking up lately in the middle of the night. I don't really know what's going on, she's probably teething. But it has been very hard for me, not only during this past week, but probably since the day she was born, and even before that.
By now, it's like not sleeping well is a given for me, something I have been dealing with for a long time. It started when I got married, and it got worse when I became pregnant. I guess all this time I've just been living with it. I'm not really sure I want to make a big deal out of it... I won't.
I have thought about going to the doctor and ask for pills, but what would be the use in doing that? To start with, I was pregnant, then I was nursing. Now, I am pregnant, and I will be nursing. So if anything, I will be able to safely use sleeping pills by the time I'm 30. But in all conciosuness, I don't want to, and I won't become slave to a pill. I've seen what sleeping pills make to your body, only to need more pills later, and more pills. I don't want that. Libby is growing fast, by the way.
|Evidence shows Elizabeth is taller...|
I've always heard stories of supernatural provision for God'children. There was a lady in my small group at BSF last year, who told us the sory of how her husband was killed in a car accident while her their son was driving. As she laid down in the middle of the highway, there was a woman who approached her, and asked if she was okay. Lynn couldn't see her face, but she said this woman's voice comforted her. The woman told Lynn, "I can see you are a woman of God", as Lynn held her Bible against her chest. Lynn said she indeed was a woman of God, she told this woman that she prayed.
I don't remember what happened next, but I think the paramedics and lots of people got there, and as Lynn tried to look for this woman, no one had seen her, and she was informed that nobody had been there before the ambulance came. Lynn believes she was an angel. I believe that, too.
This year the same thing happened. This time the woman in my group was Jere. She told us yesterday about one day that her husband got really sick and was bleeding, almost to death. She took him to the hospital in the middle of the night, which was a very difficult and frightening thing for her to do, because she can't see well at night. She parked in the wrong entrance, she'd never been to the E.R. of that particular hospital before. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't leave the car there, otherwise it would be towed away.
But at the same time, her husband needed her help, she was all he had, and she was in panic for not knowing what to do. And a very tall man came, and meet her in the parking lot, just out of the blue. He was well dressed, he was wearing a suit. He asked if he could help her. She explained the situation, and the man offered to take the car to the parking lot in front of the E.R. She didn't hesitate, she said she felt this peace that you know comes from God, she knew she could trust this man. And just like that, she handed him the car keys.
He could have robbed the car, but he didn't. When Sam was being taken care of, she went to the parking lot, and tried to look for this man. She never found him, and the car was there, of course. She is sure he was an angel. She believes that, and I believe that, too.
These are two ladies in their sixties. I would be very skeptical, even being a Christian and believing in these things, if these stories came from a twenty-year-old. But these are women who I have observed during nine months, very humble women. They are not making this up.
The only encounter I've had with what I think was an angel was a day when I had a fight with Emerson. I don't think I was even pregnant. Emerson thinks sometimes, well... most of the time he thinks he doesn't need help. Long story short, I saw a man standing in a corner asking for help with a sign that read, "Everybody, needs help sometimes."
I grabbed the guy and took him to McDonald's in my car. Stupid thing to do. He was a Christian tough, I tested him for true faith, as Jeff has carefully taught me, and he actually was. Or at least he answered correctly to all the things I asked him. But if you are not really a Christian, there are things you don't understand and are not familiar with, at all. I am pretty sure he was a Christian.
After he told me things I needed to hear that day, I left him in the same corner, and in less than two minutes, I couldn't find him anymore. Was he an angel? I don't know. I don't think so, because I could smell alcohol in his breath.
|She looks like an angel :))|
Anyway...last night I was awake when Elizabeth started crying at 12 am. I, as usual, waited for at least thirty minutes to see if she would go back to sleep, but she didn't. At around 12:30 am, I changed her diaper, but she continued crying. I checked on her at 1, and 1:30 am. But she kept on crying.
By 2 am, I was tired. I didn't know what to do. I tried to sing to her, and I actually tried to make her sleep in the bed with us, but she was just playing. I told her she needed to go back to sleep, and as I put her back on her crib, she would freak out, and wouldn't let go of my hair. By 3 am, I was exhausted...
Not sleeping well during the night is very different from not even having the opportunity to try to sleep because your baby is crying. At least when she's asleep, I can just try to rest and close my eyes, but I wasn't able to do that last night. I was literally exhausted.... I've never felt that way before. My body has been coping with no sleep for a long time now, and I am pregnant. I sometimes take naps, but that doesn't happen every day. It hasn't happened today, when I really feel like I could use one. I put her down for a nap at 3 pm; it's 4 pm, and she is still crying.
Last night I felt hopeless, I felt powerless to comfort Libby. I rocked her at 3 am, again. She was crying, but every time she was in my arms, she was very peaceful. I knew she didn't need anything. When I put her back in the crib, the cry was really bad, it was an angry cry. She didn't want to be left alone. I felt angry, not with her, just with the whole situation. I knew that I needed to leave the room. I could feel desperation coming my way, and exploding against her. Emerson tells me I usually talk to her in a really bad mood when she cries during the night, and I didn't want to treat my daughter that way.
I hold her very tight, and whispered, "I am so sorry, Honey. Mommy is exhausted. I cannot do this anymore. I can't take care of you, Libby. My body just can't. Go night, nights." And I left the room, crying.
I began sobbing in the middle of the night. I was angry at the fact that my body was feeling the way it was. I began telling God how I was feeling...
"I know you care for me, I know you love me... Just help her sleep, please. My body needs rest. You created the night to rest, then why can't I sleep? I feel so fucking tired, God. This is how I actually feel..."
I don't know what happened last night. But I felt like an urgency to pray for people. I prayed for my sister. I prayed for the people who will read my book, I thanked God for Libby, for the baby He is knitting in my womb, and for the husband He gave me. I thanked Him for his many blessings in my life. I wasn't mad with Him. I can honestly say that when I asked Him about my sleep, I was really asking Him, not complaining to Him. I never complained to Him about me having the right to sleep, or ever became angry at Him.
I told Him how I really believed He was the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I told him I was convinced of that. I asked Him to heal me, to help me sleep. But He said, "Karla, I won't heal you."
I am crying while I am writing this, because I knew this was Him. James 1:5 says that if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault. But when you ask, it says, do not doubt when you get an answer. So I asked this morning again in my quiet time, not for an explanation of the why He wouldn't heal me, but if it was actually Him who told me that last night.
I didn't want to be misled. It has happened to me before. It has happened to everyone. Sometimes we think we've heard from God, but it's not actually Him. All of us have a flesh that very often falls prey of our own selfish desires. Which once again, confirms that it was God who spoke to my heart. I definitely wanted to hear a "Yes, I will heal you. Let's do it right now. Go to sleep." But I didn't hear that, and it broke my heart.
This morning He showed me, through my reading of Scripture, that it was a "Yes, it was Me who told you that."
The WHY is weird. I asked Him last night, and He said it was like my thorn in the flesh. I've thought about it before in that way, but never heard God referring to it like that. He said it was for me to rely on Him. I am not super excited about this, but it kind of makes sense. Actually I have come to terms with it, very fast, just today. I mean, to see things from a positive perspective, at least now I know why the heck I can't sleep!
And if this is from God, which I believe it is, no freaking pills will do the trick.
Okay, so, I am not a saint. Who am I? I am not Paul. I mean, Paul had a thorn in the flesh, but look at Him. He was Paul. I am just me. Why would God think I need a thorn just like Paul? I am not comparing myself with Paul, and please, do not make God a monster, who curses His children. He knows His purposes.
I know who I am, and this is probably good for me, in a way that I can't describe. I mean, it is weird to say that it is good for me not to sleep well. I guess all I am saying is that I have been experiencing this thing for a long time now, and I have always relied on God to give me the strength I need for the day.
Last year, Isaiah 40:28-31 meant the world to me. I had always thought about being tired spiritually, but for me this thing is literal. God is inexhaustible. He never grows tired or weary, He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Last night was a low, low night. But after He telling me the good news last night, He also told me to go say night, nights to my daughter. After ten minutes, she either stopped crying or I passed out. I think it was both. I did sleep a little. He provided just what I needed.
Isaiah said that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. I can feel that. I feel that every morning, after being up for about 30 minutes, and after watching Elizabeth, who looks fresh as a lettuce (even with not sleeping for three hours during a night like last). Honestly, I just need to start the day, get up, see the light outside, start listening to our morning songs, and the energy comes my way.
I can't explain how it is, how it works, or how it happens. Merrith says she would be awful all day long. I can see that in Emerson, too. God only knows why Emerson is able to sleep through three hours of Libby crying :))
This Knowing-why-I-don't-sleep gives me hope. It is stupid... Well, no, it only sounds stupid if you have no idea of who God is, and what He is capable of doing. But every morning after we go walking, we come back, and read our Bibles. We pray for the people in our log, and when Libby goes to bed in the morning, I do my own Bible reading. No matter how tired I am, I always read my Bible, and sometimes, in the middle of it, fall asleep, I have to say. But I want to read it, and spend time with God every day. I like that.
Since Elizabeth was born, I have come to understand better this thing called grace. I would forgive my daughter for everything, absolutely everything bad she would do or say to me. Just because I love her. That is the grace God offers when you trust in Jesus.
God is changing me. He is really conforming Emerson and I more and more into the image of His Son.
My last notes from BSF said that the glory for everything must go to God. Because if we try to take it for ourselves, we do not really understand the gospel, and we will never experience the fullness of God's blessings here on earth, tough we will hereafter. But that if we praise God for everything, absolutely everything, we will know the fullness of God's joy, moment by moment.
I want that. I want His joy moment by moment. Even if my "everything" is not sleeping like I would like to.
|"Fly me to the moon, Dadda."|