My last night of breastfeeding Libby was very difficult. But I kind of pictured it the way it was. It was perfect, really perfect.
She got a bath, and we were together in the bedroom, just the two of us. I began telling her how much I had fallen in love with her and with nursing her. I said I was sorry for those times when I really got tired of breastfeeding her, but that it was very difficult at the beginning to nurse her every two hours around the clock.
I don't know how many times I told her that I loved her... I began singing to her A dormir, and then I sang Jesus loves me, I've got the joy...
The last two I sang were two Scripture songs that we really enjoyed when she was a baby: Follow me, and Whatever you do. With the first one, she used to smile every time I span her around. The second one, I told her, was very important to Mommy because she listened to it one day that I was very tired of nursing her all day long, but then realized, that I was doing this for the glory of God.
I kept watching her and I knew it was time for her to go night, night, but I didn't want to turn off the lights, because I didn't want to stop seeing her. I knew in my heart that the moment I turned off those lights it was gonna be the end of my first season as her Mommy. I cried... I cried very much while holding her, and I'm still crying as I write this.
I asked God for strength to turn off those lights, I told Him I was not able to do it, that I couldn't, but He said I could. He said, "You can do everything through Christ, He gives you the strength, sweetheart."
He called me sweetheart...
I knew that was Him because that verse means so much to me, it helped me bare the pains of labor. That song by Matthew West got me through it, and Emerson.
And so I was able to turn them off, and I remained there, in the darkness, breastfeeding her, like we used to hen it was time to go to sleep. Moments later, I began walking with her in my arms, just singing to her, and telling her I loved her very much, until she fell asleep in my arms.
I put her down in her crib, and left the room. And that was it. I don't want to forget that night, it was a perfect night. She fell asleep in my arms, she was happy, I was happy. I miss her so much, I really do.
It's been three days without nursing her at night... and I miss her, but she doesn't miss me.
A blog I read said this: "Once you begin to supplement with a bottle, you'll be surprised how quickly the little traitor switches loyalty."
So true, you know? She smiles when she sees the formula. Anyway, that has made things much, much easier for me, and I even consider it a blessing, really, I do. I mean, the fact that it was so easy for her to take the formula and be done with me. Silly me for still being crying in the corners every now and then :))
So my breasts hurt like heck... and I was afraid the first night of not nursing was gonna be a nightmare, because she was going to want ME, but no, thank you, she was happy once she saw the white liquid.
She drank it all very quick!! And we read books, and it was all fine. She was a little fussy, but I guess it was because I dimmed the lights.
The last two days, we've given her a bath, put on her pajamas and come to the table for her to drink her milk... no, her formula, she doesn't drink milk... at least give me that.
After that, we go to the bedroom and read books, and it's a happy story every night :)
For example, tonight, she drank her 8 oz at 7 pm, then went to skype with her grandpa for a while, and went to bed like at 8 pm, no problems. She's her own self, very active, VERY active.
I heard on BSF on Wednesday morning (after my last night of breastfeeding) that God's grace is enough to get you through your worst heartache. It is true. It may be stupid, but my heart aches for not nursing her, but it's okay, it will pass.
I'm not crying all day long, just right now because I wrote about it, and the memories came to mind.
I'm very happy, I love my daughter, and she loves me. She looks for me all the time, and comes to me when we are playing on the floor, and hugs me and "kisses" me, more like she bites me :))
Her kisses are all wet, and she drools in my face, but I love her with all my heart.
Thank you, God, for my family :))
|Beware of her. She has learned to devour her food :)|